The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Hipster's Head Explodes at Pitchfork Music Festival


Marring an otherwise peaceful weekend, Harrison Lancaster of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, was pronounced dead on the scene, at 9:45 p.m. on Saturday night, after his head reportedly exploded in the midst of Yoko Ono's headlining set at the Pitchfork Music Festival in Chicago. No by-standers were apparently hurt, though several hirsute spectators complained to festival organizers about being irritated by the violent and geyser-like eruption, as it disturbed their enjoyment of Ms. Ono's gong playing and cauterwauling.

Lancaster's friends expressed shock and sadness at the loss of the man, they called "Hipster Harrison."

"I started to worry about Harrison the moment, we arrived," his best friend Bradford Sadler, of Park Slope, Brooklyn said. "He loved Slint. They were his fourth favorite American post-rock experimental noise collective of the 80s, but when Sonic Youth played Daydream Nation, Harrison almost hyper-ventilated. He always loved that record. Well, maybe not always. At first when he came to Brooklyn, he hated Sonic Youth. So we told him that he was too stupid to understand their brilliance. So he locked himself up in a closet for 48 hours with nothing but a copy of Daydream Nation, some nude pictures of Kim Gordon and a case of PBR. It really earned our respect."


MUST. LOVE. DAYDREAM. NATION. MUST. LOVE. DAYDREAM. NATION.
After Sonic Youth's set closed down the first night of the festival, Lancaster returned to his hotel room and according to his friend, Sadler , he seemed fine. Yet interviews conducted with other guests at the downtown Chicago Sheraton, Hotel, speak to a reality that was anything but.

"I don't know what that kid was doing in his room and I'm not sure I wanna' know," life insurance salesman and Sheraton guest Marvin Bradshaw said. "I kept on hearing loud moans and he kept on screaming 'GIRL TALK' 'GIRL TALK'. Maybe the kid was calling a phone sex line or something?"

What's that? You Don't Love Girl Talk? But you HAVE to love Girl Talk. That is, unless you're a conformist. You're not a conformist are you? ARE YOU?
According to Sadler, Harrison's hysteria only seemed to increase with every Saturday set.

"It was so hot and Harrison refused to rest for even a second. He wouldn't miss anyone's set. He was so excited to see Battles that he brought his calculator. I tried to explain to him that that wasn't what Math Rock was, but he was just so thrilled to be there."

It was only after the Battles performance when Lancaster's health truly started to go downhill.

"I told him that he couldn't actually be in three places at the same time, but he wouldn't listen," Sadler said. "He kept on running around in circles, trying to see all of Mastodon, Clipse, & Dan Deacon's set. When I tried to stop him, he just sneered at me and told me that "I'd never get to go to Blood Mountain. And that Hell Hath No Fury for anyone who wasn't Spiderman of the Rings."

Dan Deacon: So Irritating, He MUST be Brilliant
According to Dr. Lewis Applebee, the first physician to attend to Lancaster, the 22-year old Sarah Lawrence graduate's death stemmed from over-stimulation produced by the festival's blend of esoteric and challenging independent music, the heat of the Chicago Summer and Yoko Ono herself.

"Everyone knows that when you mix heat, hipsters and Yoko Ono, tragedy is bound to strike," Applebee opined. "Seeing Yoko must've put Harrison over the top. Her high-pitched shriek is the anti-dog whistle, in that normal people hear a shrill, obnoxious wail, while only the specially trained finely honed hipster ear can decipher it's true spastic brilliance. Add that to Harrison's already fragile condition and you have a recipe for spontaneous combustion."

Sadler eulogized his fallen comrade, pouring out a little Pabst Blue Ribbon for the dead.

"It's just so sad that Harrison didn't get to see Deerhunter. I think he would've really loved those kids. There was nothing Harrison enjoyed more than a band making music that really challenged the notions of what it it means to make avant-garde music for art-school kids with trust funds, music critics and avant-garde art-school kids with trust funds who write online music criticism ."

Harrison Lancaster was survived by his parents Chad and Veronica and his turtle, Captain Beefheart.

Download:
MP3: EPMD-"Headbanger"
MP3: The Smiths-"The Headmaster Ritual"

16 Comments:

At 2:53 AM, Anonymous DudeAsInCool said...

R.I.P. Harrison...

 
At 3:11 AM, Blogger douglas martin said...

so, i've always had this dream of having a pet named "dirt mcgirt." from this point on, if i ever get a second pet, he will be named "captain beefheart," in honor of hipster harrison.

 
At 6:55 AM, Blogger Aidan said...

Hmmm...how on earth do I get on hype machine? I thought I had somehow when i saw EPMD there! ;)

Aidan

www.certifiedbanger.blogspot.com

 
At 7:18 AM, Anonymous floodwatch said...

"Harrison Lancaster." Wow. Beautiful stuff, Weiss.

 
At 9:25 AM, Anonymous RJB said...

Lullabye his stupid ass, rock-a-bye baby.

FINALLY, someone has the guts to say that Dan Deacon really, wholeheartedly, f*cking sucks.

 
At 11:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
OH MY GOD YOU SO HILARRIOUS
YOU SHOULD WRITE ON THE ONION NEWSPAPER
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
I AM TOTALLY DYING

 
At 12:36 PM, Anonymous Andy Silva said...

Jeff,

Good work on this hilarious posting, the Fanatic office got a good laugh on a Monday morning thanks to you.

-Andy Silva

 
At 2:04 PM, Anonymous b.LOUD said...

"Slint ..... his fourth favorite American post-rock experimental noise collective of the 80s."

Brilliant.

 
At 2:44 PM, Blogger Jen said...

I must be totally normal. Glad I left before the explosion.

-Jen

 
At 4:36 PM, Blogger David said...

Isn't Sarah Lawrence an all girl college?

 
At 5:28 PM, Blogger christian said...

oh my god. i have never read your blog before, but i think i love you.

 
At 6:01 PM, Blogger Stephen said...

dan is a lot of fun, and sonic youth is amazing. this article is pretty lame. way to prey on stereotypes for cheap laughs. glad everyone at the office loved it.

 
At 9:29 PM, Blogger Satisfied '75 said...

dude, I think MY HEAD might explode this Friday night at the greek during Daydream Nation !

 
At 1:49 AM, Blogger ian/thoreauly77 said...

holy shit man, thats hilarious.

and stephen might want to try and not feel so guilty about being a hipster. "hey, thats mean you meaney!".

 
At 3:50 PM, Blogger dusted21 said...

kudos to you my friend. this is absolutely hysterical. lighten up, stephen. geez.

 
At 5:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

did brooklyn make you cry?

 

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