Hipster's Head Explodes at Pitchfork Music Festival
Marring an otherwise peaceful weekend, Harrison Lancaster of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, was pronounced dead on the scene, at 9:45 p.m. on Saturday night, after his head reportedly exploded in the midst of Yoko Ono's headlining set at the Pitchfork Music Festival in Chicago. No by-standers were apparently hurt, though several hirsute spectators complained to festival organizers about being irritated by the violent and geyser-like eruption, as it disturbed their enjoyment of Ms. Ono's gong playing and cauterwauling.
Lancaster's friends expressed shock and sadness at the loss of the man, they called "Hipster Harrison."
"I started to worry about Harrison the moment, we arrived," his best friend Bradford Sadler, of Park Slope, Brooklyn said. "He loved Slint. They were his fourth favorite American post-rock experimental noise collective of the 80s, but when Sonic Youth played Daydream Nation, Harrison almost hyper-ventilated. He always loved that record. Well, maybe not always. At first when he came to Brooklyn, he hated Sonic Youth. So we told him that he was too stupid to understand their brilliance. So he locked himself up in a closet for 48 hours with nothing but a copy of Daydream Nation, some nude pictures of Kim Gordon and a case of PBR. It really earned our respect."
"I don't know what that kid was doing in his room and I'm not sure I wanna' know," life insurance salesman and Sheraton guest Marvin Bradshaw said. "I kept on hearing loud moans and he kept on screaming 'GIRL TALK' 'GIRL TALK'. Maybe the kid was calling a phone sex line or something?"
According to Sadler, Harrison's hysteria only seemed to increase with every Saturday set.
What's that? You Don't Love Girl Talk? But you HAVE to love Girl Talk. That is, unless you're a conformist. You're not a conformist are you? ARE YOU?
"It was so hot and Harrison refused to rest for even a second. He wouldn't miss anyone's set. He was so excited to see Battles that he brought his calculator. I tried to explain to him that that wasn't what Math Rock was, but he was just so thrilled to be there."
It was only after the Battles performance when Lancaster's health truly started to go downhill.
"I told him that he couldn't actually be in three places at the same time, but he wouldn't listen," Sadler said. "He kept on running around in circles, trying to see all of Mastodon, Clipse, & Dan Deacon's set. When I tried to stop him, he just sneered at me and told me that "I'd never get to go to Blood Mountain. And that Hell Hath No Fury for anyone who wasn't Spiderman of the Rings."
"Everyone knows that when you mix heat, hipsters and Yoko Ono, tragedy is bound to strike," Applebee opined. "Seeing Yoko must've put Harrison over the top. Her high-pitched shriek is the anti-dog whistle, in that normal people hear a shrill, obnoxious wail, while only the specially trained finely honed hipster ear can decipher it's true spastic brilliance. Add that to Harrison's already fragile condition and you have a recipe for spontaneous combustion."
Sadler eulogized his fallen comrade, pouring out a little Pabst Blue Ribbon for the dead.
"It's just so sad that Harrison didn't get to see Deerhunter. I think he would've really loved those kids. There was nothing Harrison enjoyed more than a band making music that really challenged the notions of what it it means to make avant-garde music for art-school kids with trust funds, music critics and avant-garde art-school kids with trust funds who write online music criticism ."
Harrison Lancaster was survived by his parents Chad and Veronica and his turtle, Captain Beefheart.
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