The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Monday, July 23, 2007

The Five Worst Movies I’ve Never Seen

Meet Scott Towler. Scott is the author of Scott's Blizzog, this previous Passion guest post, and a number of erotic cartoons and limericks featuring Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs. In addition to his side career debunking sexual stereotypes about animated little people, Scott has agreed to begin contributing regular film and television posts to the Passion of the Weiss. Gainfully employed in the television industry, Scott has previously worked as the writer's assistant on the third season of Arrested Development. As for his willingness to write for this blog, I remain baffled.

Odds are this Will Not Make 'Em Jump Like Rod Strickland
Andy Samberg is not funny. Not even a little. Seriously. SNL's writing might be weak of late, but its cast is as strong as it's ever been. In fact, it might even rival the late 90s bunch with Will Ferrell, Molly Shannon and Tina Fey. But really, the only reason why Samberg was brought on was because he and his two friends Jorma and Akiva made a hilarious pilot for FOX a few years back called Awesometown, and Lorne Michaels picked them up as a '3 amigos' deal. If you haven't seen that pilot, follow the link and watch it. It's actually quite funny. But still- Samberg isn't. It's clear that the talent of their trio comes from the other two guys. Samberg is just the face they put in front of their words.

But my main issue with this film is that it's going to be a blatant Simpsons rip off. Do you remember the episode when Bart was supposed to jump the Springfield Gorge on his skateboard after he saw Lance Murdoch do it at a stunt show? Well, when Hot Rod finally hits theaters, we'll all be treated to the site of Samberg's character (we'll call him Putz McMurphy) wearing virtually the same animated costume created A DECADE AGO. It's like making a live action Simpson's episode and leaving out Bart and Homer? Sounds awesome. An hour and a half of Lisa and Marge. Huzzah!

Hey, Robin, Maybe It's Time You Started Doing Coke Again, I Mean You Don't Have to Get All Rick James On Us, But Maybe Just a Bump or Two, or Three. I Know You're Supposed to be All "Clean" and Everything But I Promise I Won't Tell Anyone.

Where to begin? Let's see....old 'out of touch with reality' actor gets agents to sign on 2 young up and comers to co-star in a movie that is intended to be a chick flick but is really just a pile of dog shit. Close? Eh...close enough. Robin Williams really should have stopped acting after Good Morning, Vietnam, with the one exception being Dead Poet's Society. Of course that film really should have been called School Ties II: The Mystery of the Poetry Book. And of course, then they made The Emperor's Club with Kevin Kline which I think was probably the third film in that trilogy. Anyway, Robin Williams needs to hang it up, be a father, and just pop in at the Laugh Factory and Comedy Store from time to time. Not to do comedy, but rather to chalk a rail off Janeane Garofolo's ass crack.

Also, Mandy Moore isn't an actress. She may have done "acted", but she isn't an actress. Sure, I guess I feel sympathy for John Krasinski because this could've been a great vehicle for him, and now it's more like, "Hey, my parents are going to see that too!" "Isn't that cute guy from The Office in it?" Plus there's the whole Single File Eyes analysis of the movie poster which substantiated that the poster looks suspicious like the female anatomy...Williams being the vag. Go figure, right? But whether or not Williams is an actor or a vagina, this movie will still suck.

Then again, if he were a giant vagina, I'd probably pay to see it.

Thank You For Sucking
Just when you thought it couldn't get worse: a movie about a chef with a child and who can't balance her life as a chef and a mother. But don't worry...Micheal Douglas' China Doll...Aaron Eckhart and his hair plugs are to the rescue! Ooh, I hope they fall in love! Ooh...and maybe they can open a restaurant together in the end! Yay! Nothing like an open and shut case like this one. When someone writes a script like this, I cry. When someone buys it, I cry more. Then, just when I think I'm completely out of tears, I find out that people actually signed on to make the thing, and it's going to be released worldwide. This is typically when the tires screech and everyone asks, "wait- you're joking right?" Oh how I wish I was.

I blame this movie on Al-Queda. Only terrorists could be smart enough to release a film so unappealing...only terrorists could kidnap and force these B and C list stars to act in it...only terrorists could open a Universal Studios Theme Park in Dubai. OK, so that last one may have been an American sleeper cell in Dubai, but still...who gives a crap about the life and perils of a chef? Wait, I'll tell you who does- children do! That's why they made this movie and opted not to buy No Reservations. I don't care how you slice it, this is a movie I will absolutely never see. And if I date a girl that wants to see it, I'll dump her ass right then and there.

But first I gotta date a girl.

First Come. First Turd.

We all loved Rushmore. It's like an indie film staple these days. Charlie Bartlett is just another piss poor attempt to recreate a still-good film one that has no business being tampered with. But lo and behold, there's a whole new generation of young people to sell it to. Here's a better idea- repackage Rushmore as an anniversary edition jam packed with deleted scenes and commentary from the director, on set carpenter, 2nd make up artist, and 2 extras. Honestly, I'd rather live through the torture sketch from Enter the Wu-Tang rather than watch this preview again.

I don't have a lot to say about this film, because it doesn't seem like there's that much to it. I have to laugh though at Robert Downey Jr's decision to take this role. I guess when you're an ex-con, it's hard to get the parts you want, but if you check out the movie on IMDB, you'll notice that his character doesn't even have a name. If he did though, I'm guessing it'd be John Doe. And man, they really pegged him well. Who better than to play 'The Principal' (a role ostensibly designed to lead kids to do the right thing) than Robert Downey Jr. "Hey kids, stay off drugs. Give them to me and I'll...dispose...of them...in my veins."

I'm Guessing L'il Wayne's "Caddy" is Birdman. And by Caddy, I mean, Weird Father Figure to Anally Probe And Get Tatted Onto His Breast
OK, OK...I get that Andre 3000 is the "talented" one. Fine. And I understand that there's a movie called Friday which is popular with the young people. But what the fuck is this? can only hope that it starts as a light-hearted romp in camp comedy. You know the type: a film specifically designed to cater to a black audience, intended to poke fun at the predominantly cracker game of golf, talking about wives and girlfriends, and swinging one's worries away on the green. Except there's one problem: most black people DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT GOLF. (Tiger Woods excluded). So why in god's name would people think to make a movie for black people about golf?

Also, the whole 'rappers doing movies' thing has gotta stop. There are only a few movies in this genre that I can stomach: The Wash, Friday, and MP: Da Last Don. Yeah, that's right I loved those No Limit and Death Row movies of yesteryear. Fuck it, I loved Thriller too. But this is different. Here, we don't even have any actual rapping to serve as the backdrop. Instead, we're telling these MUSICIANS to ACT. Anyone else see a problem here? Well I do, though I still may Netflix this someday, as it looks the most tolerable of the five films we've discussed here today.

Honorable Mention Worst Movies I've Never Seen:

Mighty Ducks 12, King of the Hill: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, and Girls Gone Wild '07: Ixtapa.

Downoad: (To Make You Forget That Who's Your Caddy? Exists)

MP3: Outkast-"AtLiens"
MP3: Lil Wayne-"I Know the Future"

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