The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Cohen's Corner

Ian Cohen usually writes for Stylus. Occasionally, he drops some knowledge on us here at The Passion. Cohen's Corner is something akin to what you'd expect Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey to have been like, if Handey was smarter, jewier and really really into Wu-Tang. Enjoy.


  • There are a couple of calls I always look forward to. One is when my fiancée unwittingly goes to Atlanta in the summer and realizes that it’s Gay Pride Day and that there better be a liquor store she can walk to, because she sure as shit won’t be able to get anywhere any time soon. The other is when my mans an’ ‘em Wops calls from New York because he foolishly attempted to take a cab during Puerto Rican Day parade and now it’s in the process of nearly being turned over. Puerto Ricans and gays: two groups who use their day of pride to wave a bunch of flags and fuck up traffic. You’d think they’d get along better, really.
  • “Turn On The Bright Lights” is one of the best records of the decade and possibly the only album that sounds as good on an NYC subway as “Muddy Waters.” I also fucked with “Antics” because I missed the memo to do otherwise. With that in mind, here’s my review of the new Interpol record: halfway through my first listen, I decided I’d rather hear “The M.G.M.” instead. Make of that what you will.
  • I’d feel more comfortable with the Sixers drafting someone named Thaddeus if the NBA was a yachting league.
  • When you’re drinking a Tab, anyone who notices that fact immediately becomes the funniest person in the known universe. This is a fact.
  • I’m OK with Pitchfork consistently overrating southern rappers because it leads to hilariously apologetic reviews when they refuse to admit an album sucks in spite of all evidence to the contrary. If they could apply their unconditional love of trap rap to child bearing, they’d all be parents of the year. Someone (you can probably figure out who) actually said this about the new T.I. record: “Even if the concept falls flat, though, T.I. vs. T.I.P. still warrants a listen, if only because T.I. seems constitutionally incapable of releasing an album full of uncompelling music.” When it’s all said and done, I will probably have listened to “Rockstar Mentality” at least a dozen more times than T.I. vs T.I.P. and that’s a record I actually had to review. T-t-t-totally dude.
Suffice to Say if You are a Rapper With the Word "Boy," or "Boyz" in Your Name, You Probably Suck. Fat Boys Excluded

  • Not that any trip I take to Ikea ends up something less than profound, but after today's experience in Costa Mesa, I've come to realize that the Old Testament is built upon some pretty egregious lies. Chief amongst them are that Jews really aren't good at building shit; a fucking futon busted my ass, and you're telling me that some Hebrew built a motherfucking ark? Or the Egyptian pyramids? I mean, is it a coincidence that Jesus had to move on to a new line of work?
  • But now I'm a futon owner, which makes me really excited because now dead prez and I have something in common. And yes, that's pretty much how horrible I am at interior decorator I am; I was willing to drive an hour each way to Orange County because after being in Philadelphia (where there's, like, THREE within driving distance…that's insane) and Athens, I simply have no idea what else to do. Before that, my apartment's décor could best be described as "functional drug abuser," where your furniture consists of a guitar, bed and TV. I know it would set me back about six years or so, but I was ready to go out and buy Radiohead and Van Gogh posters again just to have some shit put up on the walls. Or calling home and saying, "yeah- all those CD's in the garage…ship that shit out. Your son might have to turn his apartment into a soup kitchen because he can't think of shit else to take up space."
  • I always find the "at least it doesn't suck" line of thinking to be a bit reductive in music criticism. Remember when the Cure came out with that record in 2004? Anyone? Yeah, they have almost none of the original members, the main dude picked a producer that was totally wrong for them and I'll probably never play it two months after its release, but AT LEAST IT DOESN'T SUCK- four stars! In unrelated news, "Zeitgeist."

But Have Billy Corgan and Moby Ever Been Seen Together in the Same Room at the Same Time?

  • Look, sometimes I think about penning an OST for Stylus for all of Corgan's post-"Adore" works, but then I think better of it because listening to "TheFutureEmbrace" isn't something you're liable to catch me doing when I could be…I dunno…re-reading today's post on Fire Joe Morgan or whatevs. I mean, I'll rep parts of "MACHINA" even though that shit's so overprocessed, M83 could cover it without having to buy one piece of new gear. And was Zwan really that bad? Just looking at some of "Zeitgeist"'s review, you'd think that was Billy doing Wolf Eyes material or a song-for-song interpretation of "Self Portrait."
  • But here's the strange thing about The Smashing Pumpkins- how do you become that much worse after losing the only two people in the band that didn't do anything? Has that ever happened before? Usually, the control freak ditches the dead weight and carries on just fine…I mean, look at Wham!.
Download:
MP3: Smashing Pumpkins-"Tarantula" (left-click)
MP3: My Morning Jacket-"Careless Whisper" (Wham! Cover) (left-click)

2 Comments:

At 3:29 AM, Anonymous ODB's mourning orthodontist said...

This is like when Billups writes for FD.

 
At 6:45 PM, Anonymous Deen said...

This read just like Cohen Vs. Cohen.I.P. - The Album.

 

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