The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Tampa woman certain that Ocean 13 will be best one yet

What are the odds of this being Halfway Decent? 13 to One.

After seeing a preview of upcoming crime caper, Oceans 13 before the 7:30 showing of Blades of Glory, Tampa, Fla. resident Beth Flournoy remains convinced that Oceans 13 will easily be the finest film of the Oceans trilogy. A conclusion that in recent weeks has put her at odds with both friends and family.

"I don't care what they say," Flourney said matter-of-factly. "I remain 100 percent positive that Oceans 13 will tie up all the loose ends started in the first two films. What people don't understand is that Danny Ocean is very complex man. You can't tell his entire life story in just two movies. Did they tell Elijah Wood, hey man, you've got to wrap this whole Lord of the Things thing in two movies. I don't think so."

Attempts by Flournoy's husband to dissuade Beth from her beliefs, were to no avail.

"You should've seen how excited she got when she saw the preview and George Clooney had a mustache," Jacob Flournoy said. "I know she can't actually think that this one is going to be good. She doesn't even know any of the characters names other than Clooney. She thinks anything Clooney's in is brilliant. Even The Facts of Life.

The Facts of Life: The Mullet Years
Jacob Fluornoy was not the only one in the Flournoy household convinced that their mother has poor taste in movies. Rebecca Flournoy, the couple's 14-year old daughter also expressed displeasure with being forced to hear about Ocean's 13 at the dinner table.

"Oh my god, my mom is so lame," Flournoy said rolling her eyes. "Everyone knows those movies are just an excuse for a bunch of rich movie stars to go on vacation all over the world and get paid $20 million to do so. And the only people who really want to see it are women who totally want to see George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Al Pacino, and Matt Damon in tuxedos. Whatever, that's lame. They should put Bright Eyes in the movie or something. Than I'd go see it."

Bright Eyes declined to comment, despite his geographical proximity to the Flournoy family. Reportedly, the singer known as Conor Oborst was attending another psychic camp in Florida, trying to figure out what sort of magic potion to take to actually make a good record.

Bright Eyes: Just Like Bob Dylan. If Bob Dylan Really Really Sucked
However, despite her daughter's request for Bright Eyes to be added to the cast, Beth Flournoy claimed that the film will be perfect, just the way it is.

"This film is not about commerce, it's not about the major studios wanting major franchise blockbusters to prop up sagging box box office, this film is about Danny Ocean saying to his gang of lovably handsome rapscallions, 'hey guys, Andy Garcia is out to get us, let's go fuck shit up while drinking martinis in tuxedos," Beth Flournoy said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a trailer to re-watch.

But did they really need to decorate Don Cheadle in an American Flag jacket?

MP3: Nirvana-"Dumb"
MP3: Pink Floyd-"Money"


At 5:42 PM, Anonymous DudeAsInCool said...

I agree in general on your Bright Eye's critique. He's not Bob Dyan, but some of his stuff is quite good. For instance, I like the new song 'Tourist Trap' off of Bright Eye's new EP. He was on KCRW today, if anyone has any interest.

At 7:53 PM, Anonymous silawe said...

When did you start writing for the Onion?


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