The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Interscope Signs MC Rove

Off the strength of his powerhouse performance at the Radio and Television Correspondents' Association dinner, MC Rove has been signed to a multi-album deal at "gangsta rap's" most renowned label, Interscope. With hip-hop sales flagging of late, Jimmy Iovine and Co. claim that MC Rove is exactly the sort of new talent that the label needs to actively pursue.

"It's no secret that we like our rappers oozing with street cred," Iovine said. "From 50 Cent to Young Buck, to back when we had 'Pac, the big bucks come when rappers forget about skills and lyrics and focus on the important things: keepin' it "gangsta." After watching Rove help run America for the past seven years, I knew he could keep it gangsta. After all, he's helped kill more people than all of our rappers combined. But I didn't know he could rap. If I had to make a prediction, MC Rove will in fact be our next treasure trove. I just hope he looks good with his shirt off on the album cover."

Rove himself seemed excited by this latest venture, anticipating the challenges of the world of hip-hop.

"I'm not gonna' lie, I'm excited about my first beef," Rove chuckled sinisterly. "Shit, its been since 04 since we had beef with John Kerry and my trigger finger's growing itchy. I'm thinking about taking on that punk-ass Admadinejad on wax and letting my boy Dubya handle it on the ground. Know what I'm saying? It's like what BIG said: "What's beef? Beef is when you need two gats to go to sleep. Beef is when you roll no less than 30 deep. Beef is when I see you, guaranteed to be in I.C.U." I told that to Colin Powell right before handing him a dossier of fake evidence to present before the U.N.

Whatever Happened to a Good Ol' Fashioned Tar & Feathering?

Rove's label-mate, 50 Cent says he's looking forward to meeting with Interscope's latest roster addition.

"I'm thinking MC Rove could fit right into G-Unit," 50 Cent said while finishing off the details of a new deal to license his name to a new line of women's panty-hose. "That mothafucka's gangsta, he's not scared to walk into town and just start blasting, with no plans to clean up the mess. Those GOP dudes roll deep. If we can get MC Rove in the Unit, he can bring us tons of automatics from his hook-up at the NRA, maybe even bring in some oil tycoons to finance the operation. And you know he can't rap any worse than Banks or Ya-Yo."

But not all parties were pleased with Rove's new position. President Bush expressed despair at the loss of the man often called "Bush's Brain."

"I'll miss turd blossom. He's been one of my most trusted advisers since the get-go, but when he told me he needed to do his duty to help the ailing hip-hop labels, I told him he needed to go," Bush said. "Fewer and fewer records each year, mean fewer and fewer record industry billionaires. If we can't bail out the industry and those billionaires lose all their wealth and power, who will be left for us to pander to? After all, there's only so many Evangelicals you can slavishly obey.'

When asked about his debut album's title, Rove told Passion of the Weiss Sources that it will be entitled "More Bombs Over Baghdad." When informed that there already was a rap record with a similar title, Rove double-checked and soon realized that he had been merely been reading his outgoing policy recommendations for Iraq.

MP3: Outkast-"Bombs over Baghdad"
MP3: Rage Against the Machine-"Killing in the Name Of"


At 2:04 PM, Anonymous DudeAsInCool said...

It constantly amazes me as to what the Big 4 constitutes as music these days, but... I have to hand it to Interscope - MC Rove is a better and more entertaining rapper than Kevin Federline, so at least I see some improvement there. He also has better dance moves.

At 2:10 PM, Blogger Dunstan said...

I wish Outkast would go back to producing tunes as good as B.O.B - it'a absolutly class - one of the best hip-hop tunes this decade by my reckoning...

At 9:21 PM, Blogger Nate said...

Please tell that man to never dance like that again. And I though Mark Madsen was bad.

At 12:42 PM, Anonymous young black socrates said...

like bush knows the word "slavishly."

At 1:06 PM, Blogger derek said...

That. Was. Horrible.

That was almost Young Jeezy-esque in lyrical worth.


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