Don Imus' 10 Favorite Professional Wrestlers
About one year ago, I wrote one of my favorite posts ever: The 10 Professional Wrestlers That You Watched When You Were a Kid That Are Probably Gay. In celebration of this most glorious anniversary, I'd wanted to do something in commemoration, perhaps a post that might lampoon the ridiculous racial stereotyping of the WWF, circa 1987. But ultimately, I felt that in order to make this sequel more Back to the Future 2 than Teen Wolf Too, I needed something...someone...special. Enter Imus, America's favorite faux-Cowboy/bigot. Who better than Imus, to lecture us on the most outlandish racial carictures to ever emerge from Vince McMahon's steroid-addled imagination? Ladies and gentleman, I present to you, Don Imus' 10 Favorite Professional Wrestlers.
Disclosure: Imus' Thoughts Do Not Reflect the Views of Passion of the Weiss ownership. Though Passion of the Weiss ownership does endorse midgets (no Brutus "the Barber Beefcake).
10. Nikolai Volkoff Russians. You can't live with 'em, you can't live without him. Nikolai Volkoff was a straight shooter. None of this Vladamir Putin, I'm your friend, I'm not your friend bullshit. Nikolai Volkoff didn't believe in Perestroika. All he needed was red USSR sweatshirt, bushy Bolshevik hat, and a red man-thong and you'd hear speeches about the proletariat until motherfucking doomsday. I just wish he'd have won his election for Maryland's House of Representives, District 7.
9. George "The Animal" Steele
George Steele played a great retard. As far as retards go, he was at least as convincing as that Corky retard from Life Goes On. I mean, did Corky bite the tunbuckle off at every match? Did Corky have a green tongue? Definitely not. And all this despite Steele having a Masters degree. Did Corky have a Master's Degree? Don't think so. In fact, The Animal might be my all-time favorite 'tard.
8. Big Boss Man
Whether he was called the Big Boss Man or Big Bubba, you could count on this former prison guard to be clutching a police brutality nightstick, wearing a confederate flag patch, and representing what it's really like to be a good ol' southern boy. Did he oppose segregation, did he use racist epithets? Of course not. But he certainly implied it. Honestly, he was a big inspiration for my entire radio style.
Of course, Demolition won all those championships. They were dressed up like Kiss the entire time. And you know who the mastermind of Kiss was? Gene Simmons. A Jew. Demolition's dominance in the WWF's heavily contested Tag Team Division during the late 80s was the result of one thing: Jewish conspiracy. The Hebrews have the money, the Hebrews win the title. Coincidence, I think not.
6. . The Haiti Kid
To me, this scene from Wrestlemania III sums up why I love wrestling: A black midget wrestling with an Indian midget, getting grabbed by a possibly gay redneck, standing next to a bald cracker with a microphone. The Haiti Kid was a great midget wrestler, though I was disappointed that he never held a skull or practiced voodoo.
5. Iron Sheik
Personally, I preferred the Sheik's original wrestling name, The Great Hossein Arab, but I can't deny that the Sheik was certainly a fiery son-of-a-bitch and certainly knew how to get out the message that all Persians wear towels on their head, handle-bar mustaches and drape themselves in the Iranian flag. I'm also a fan of his his Myspace page, where he lists his favorite television shows, including Good Morning America, and Seinfeld.
4. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake
Now a born-again Christian, "Brutus The Barber" Beefcake is currently a part of the Christian wrestling group "World Impact Wrestling" playing a heel character known as Stuart "Beefcake" Healey. He has started a wrestling school. At said wrestling school they do a lot of struttin' n' cuttin. Pink zebra thongs are a must. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
3. Mr. Fuji
I haven't met all that many Japs in my life, but Mr. Fuji seemed to be pretty representative of the culture. He was polite, well-groomed, vaguely sinister and frequently threw salt into his enemies eyes. I bet that he was pretty good at math too. That must've been what made him such a good manager.
2. Kamala, The Ugandan Giant
A lot of people in the media have called me a racist in the last few weeks, which is just not true. I have lots of black friends, including Kamala the Ugandan Giant. Through my friendship with Kamala, I've learned the truth about Ugandans: that they wear zebra loin-clothes and paint stars and moons all over their bodies, while carrying spears in their mouths. Thanks Kamala and thanks Vince McMahon for setting me straight.
Sapphire, what's she doing on this list? Sapphire's just a napp...she's just a napp...wait...stay....cool, Imus, remember what you learned yesterday in tolerance class. Okay, now go....
Sapphire is a fine person. I like her very much. See America, I have learned my lesson. I'm not a racist any more. And good news, I'm available for hire.