The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Don Imus' 10 Favorite Professional Wrestlers

About one year ago, I wrote one of my favorite posts ever: The 10 Professional Wrestlers That You Watched When You Were a Kid That Are Probably Gay. In celebration of this most glorious anniversary, I'd wanted to do something in commemoration, perhaps a post that might lampoon the ridiculous racial stereotyping of the WWF, circa 1987. But ultimately, I felt that in order to make this sequel more Back to the Future 2 than Teen Wolf Too, I needed something...someone...special. Enter Imus, America's favorite faux-Cowboy/bigot. Who better than Imus, to lecture us on the most outlandish racial carictures to ever emerge from Vince McMahon's steroid-addled imagination? Ladies and gentleman, I present to you, Don Imus' 10 Favorite Professional Wrestlers.

Disclosure: Imus' Thoughts Do Not Reflect the Views of Passion of the Weiss ownership. Though Passion of the Weiss ownership does endorse midgets (no Brutus "the Barber Beefcake).


10. Nikolai Volkoff Russians. You can't live with 'em, you can't live without him. Nikolai Volkoff was a straight shooter. None of this Vladamir Putin, I'm your friend, I'm not your friend bullshit. Nikolai Volkoff didn't believe in Perestroika. All he needed was red USSR sweatshirt, bushy Bolshevik hat, and a red man-thong and you'd hear speeches about the proletariat until motherfucking doomsday. I just wish he'd have won his election for Maryland's House of Representives, District 7.

9. George "The Animal" Steele

George Steele played a great retard. As far as retards go, he was at least as convincing as that Corky retard from Life Goes On. I mean, did Corky bite the tunbuckle off at every match? Did Corky have a green tongue? Definitely not. And all this despite Steele having a Masters degree. Did Corky have a Master's Degree? Don't think so. In fact, The Animal might be my all-time favorite 'tard.

8. Big Boss Man

Whether he was called the Big Boss Man or Big Bubba, you could count on this former prison guard to be clutching a police brutality nightstick, wearing a confederate flag patch, and representing what it's really like to be a good ol' southern boy. Did he oppose segregation, did he use racist epithets? Of course not. But he certainly implied it. Honestly, he was a big inspiration for my entire radio style.

7. Demolition
Of course, Demolition won all those championships. They were dressed up like Kiss the entire time. And you know who the mastermind of Kiss was? Gene Simmons. A Jew. Demolition's dominance in the WWF's heavily contested Tag Team Division during the late 80s was the result of one thing: Jewish conspiracy. The Hebrews have the money, the Hebrews win the title. Coincidence, I think not.

6. . The Haiti Kid
To me, this scene from Wrestlemania III sums up why I love wrestling: A black midget wrestling with an Indian midget, getting grabbed by a possibly gay redneck, standing next to a bald cracker with a microphone. The Haiti Kid was a great midget wrestler, though I was disappointed that he never held a skull or practiced voodoo.

5. Iron Sheik

Personally, I preferred the Sheik's original wrestling name, The Great Hossein Arab, but I can't deny that the Sheik was certainly a fiery son-of-a-bitch and certainly knew how to get out the message that all Persians wear towels on their head, handle-bar mustaches and drape themselves in the Iranian flag. I'm also a fan of his his Myspace page, where he lists his favorite television shows, including Good Morning America, and Seinfeld.

4. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake
Now a born-again Christian, "Brutus The Barber" Beefcake is currently a part of the Christian wrestling group "World Impact Wrestling" playing a heel character known as Stuart "Beefcake" Healey. He has started a wrestling school. At said wrestling school they do a lot of struttin' n' cuttin. Pink zebra thongs are a must. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

3. Mr. Fuji

I haven't met all that many Japs in my life, but Mr. Fuji seemed to be pretty representative of the culture. He was polite, well-groomed, vaguely sinister and frequently threw salt into his enemies eyes. I bet that he was pretty good at math too. That must've been what made him such a good manager.

2. Kamala, The Ugandan Giant
A lot of people in the media have called me a racist in the last few weeks, which is just not true. I have lots of black friends, including Kamala the Ugandan Giant. Through my friendship with Kamala, I've learned the truth about Ugandans: that they wear zebra loin-clothes and paint stars and moons all over their bodies, while carrying spears in their mouths. Thanks Kamala and thanks Vince McMahon for setting me straight.

1. Sapphire
Sapphire, what's she doing on this list? Sapphire's just a napp...she's just a napp...wait...stay....cool, Imus, remember what you learned yesterday in tolerance class. Okay, now go....

Sapphire is a fine person. I like her very much. See America, I have learned my lesson. I'm not a racist any more. And good news, I'm available for hire.

10 Comments:

At 5:47 AM, Blogger Ass Hat said...

when it comes to international relations, there's only one way to settle your differences. inside an unforgiving solid steel cage.

 
At 10:05 AM, Anonymous CrimeNotes said...

Great, great, great. More late '80s professional wrestling, please.

In order to maintain some self-respect, I want to note that I haven't watched this stuff in years, but a few weeks ago I followed a link from this site to someone else's write-up about Wrestlemania III, immediately ordered it on DVD, and spent a Wednesday night with it on while I did some other stuff. The midget tag teams (Haiti Kid, Little Tokyo, Little Beaver -- I forget the fourth) with Hillybilly Jim and King Kong Bundy was the highlight. Politically incorrect, true, but a person can never get tired of watching little people team up against a fat man.

 
At 10:34 AM, Anonymous RJB is Zilla Rocca said...

Don't be shocked when you see the Iron Sheik as one of my top friends on MySpace later today.

I'm in debt to you forever for that one, Jeff.

 
At 1:27 PM, Blogger Shorty said...

Awesome job, as always. I did an eight part wrestling series myself over the past few months, although I think Imus' top ten takes the cake. check out mine if you get a chance...

http://badchoicemilk.blogspot.com/search?q=wwe

keep up the gr8 work!

 
At 2:16 PM, Anonymous CrimeNotes said...

Shorty, you were in fact the one who re-triggered my interest in Wrestlemania III. So thanks for that.

 
At 9:17 AM, Anonymous rjb is zilla rocca said...

By the way...

This is taken directly from IronSheikOnline.com:

"Last weekend, The Iron Sheik made several appearances in Ontario, Canada, including greeting fans at area Wal-Marts, a sports bar and an independent wrestling event. The Sheik says that of the $12,000 he was promised by his "nephews," he was only paid $1,000. On the way back to the airport, a drug dealing driver stole the $1,000 he did get. The Sheik was able to obtain the man's divers license and brought it to the police in the airport. The Sheik went into a panic attack and was taken to an area hospital where he remained for the next two days. Earlier tonight, the Sheik conducted a mind blowing interview with us for MWF Xtra with details that we can't even get into on this site that will hopefully be on-line sometime next week. At this time, The Sheik will be unable to make personal phone calls to his fans, but the service will be available the first week in April after his next scheduled appearance at Wrestling's Living Legends."

The drama never stops for a wrestler, even when he's 64 years old.

 
At 12:49 PM, Blogger bonjourtristesse said...

Koko B. Ware and Virgil, Ted DiBiase's butler were involved for years.

 
At 11:36 PM, Blogger Nate said...

You're a fool! You know that, right?

 
At 12:59 AM, Blogger skinny said...

re:jews in wrestling.

goldberg should get an honorable mention.

 
At 10:12 PM, Blogger BELIZE said...

lmao...u krazy for this

 

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