The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

An Open Letter To The Dude At My Gym Wearing a See-Through Nipple Shirt

Dear Sir,
I wanted to thank you so much for wearing that see-through crocheted black nipple-shirt while you were working out today. The fellas' and I were talking about it in the locker room and agreed that there truly aren't enough people comfortable displaying nipple in public. You, sir, are a fashion pioneer. Why bother with things like cloth, comfort or sanitation when you can tell the world, here are my nipples, here me roar. I'm proud, I'm scantily attired and I'm ready to bench two sets of 45s on the bench press.

Perhaps the only thing more impressive than the showy curvature of your muscles was your platinum white hair. Indeed, few 60-year old men can pull off the butch Barry Manilow look with such verve and vigor. Not only did you succeed, I even heard one of the girls at the front desk ask, "do you think we need to call security on that dude?" And by security, I think she meant sex.

Clay Aiken: This is Your Future

I also was quite inspired by your sartorial flair. Only a true fashionista would pair high socks with short shorts (or an NBA player circa 1977-1983). Coupled with your see-through nipple shirt, I think you might have succeeded in covering up a whopping 17 percent of your flesh. Kudos. There are many things I like to think about when working out: taxes, the Kashmir question (like Puffy said, it's all about the partition, baby) and the occasional rumination on how sound it was to cast Tiffani Amber-Thiessen as Leon Phelp's love interest in The Ladies Man. But not today. Today, the only thought going through my head was: is this guy a meth-head or just a plain pervert? As Phelps himself might say, "yeah, thass cool."

Ultimately, your decision to dazzle the entire Gold's Gym with your niptastic display of skin, led me to question my entire place in the Cosmos. Why go through the motions of living when I know that someone else will always look infinitely more superior while working out? One might ask why I couldn't just buy my own see-through nipple shirt, but that isn't the point. I'm no poseur. There's only one original and that's you! You sassy fellow. In the meantime, each day, I shall live in shame, knowing damn well the astounding fashion potential you wield each time you grab that lat pull bar. You best believe, I will dedicate the rest of my life living up to the example that you have set. The bar has raised high. Nipple-high.

Thank you for making me a better person,
Jeff Weiss

MP3: Talking Heads-"Psycho Killer"
MP3: Cypress Hill-"Insane In The Brain"


At 5:10 AM, Blogger Charlie said...

Dude, I was out of wifebeaters. Leave me alone, all right?

At 2:17 PM, Anonymous Dudeasincool said...

POW, you should go to a gym which also has women, and aim your sights at younger things. When you see sweet 20 year old felines wearing see-through nylon shirts at my gym, and those yummy little erect nipples show thru, it's really quite amazing. In fact, I could so far as saying it's healthy and therapeutic, and has improved by vision immensely. It's much more enjoyable and invigorating than looking at fat old men with titties.

At 8:04 PM, Anonymous floodwatch said...

Only in Los Angeles. This is why I come to your site daily, Weiss. Beautiful stuff.

At 8:54 PM, Blogger Mo Diggs said...

I guess I shouldn't tell you about my see-through sweatpants.

At 9:45 PM, Blogger Dj Triple Threat said...

You know you like them nipples.

At 1:09 AM, Blogger Shorty said...


At 7:55 AM, Blogger Matt In The Hat said...

security and sex have a long history of being confused. First of all, they both start with ominous "s" sounds. Do I hear a forthcoming Wikipedia entry??

At 3:30 PM, Blogger Duke said...

OMFG. how big was your boner? did you offer to spot him so you could get a closer look at his nipples and then accidentally get your boner caught in his mouth?

At 3:39 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Accident? It was all intentional Duke.


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