The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

My Greek Yogurt Might Be Homosexual

I've lived in LA for a very long time. 25 years to be exact. And living in LA does strange things to a person. You start doing Yoga . You think nothing of ordering Diet Cokes in restaurants. You forget that water doesn't only come in bottles. Of course, I'm not necessarily proud of these sad realities, however I can and will rationalize yoga by saying that it does incredible things for your hoop game. Nate Jones on the NBA did not bestow the nickname "Air Weiss" on me for nothing. And while it has infinitely less of ring to it than "Air Jordan," it certainly has more of a ring to it than "Air Goodman."

In addition to the unorthodox exercises and beverage choices, I have picked up another habit favored by the Angelenos: enjoying greek yogurt. So much that my refrigerator is now stocked with little else but Greek Yogurt, Trader Joe's Chicken McNuggets and Trail Mix (blogging, of course, being the finest way to earn vast sums of income.)

But it wasn't until the other day as I enjoyed this Grecian delicacy that I stumbled across a startling revelation. My yogurt was labeled "fage." I didn't need to be a smart-assed 5th grader on a playground to figure it out either. Sure, they might have gone through the trouble of changing the last two letters, but I'm no fool. I should've known better. After all, wasn't it the movie Ghost World, where the Greek manager of the yogurt/convenience store proudly claimed: "We Greeks invented Democracy." To which, Doug, the local white-trash nunchuks-sporting redneck responded: "you also invented homos."

You Bet Your Sorry Ass Doug Doesn't Eat Greek Yogurt
Of course, it's not that there's anything wrong with my yogurt, it's just that I feel it wasn't very up-front and open about its preferences. Even going as far to put a note on the label, claiming it's pronounced: "fa-yeh." Which is perhaps the worst mis-appropriation of a name since Martin Short tried to say his name was "Fra-hank" in Father of the Bride. And we all know which team that wedding coordinator was playing for. He was probably their starting shortstop.

Ultimately, my disappointment with my yogurt's duplicity left me thinking that maybe LeBron James was right when he claimed: "If you're a Greek Yogurt, you have to be trustworthy, and if you’re a gay Greek yogurt and you’re not admitting that you are, then you are not trustworthy. So that’s like the No. 1 thing between a man and his food supply—we all trust each other. You’ve heard of the in-refrigerator, dining room code: What happens in the dining room stays in there. It’s a trust factor, honestly. A big trust factor.

C'mon, Greek Yogurt. There's nothing wrong you being "fage." It's the year 2007. Most people are tolerant and willing to accept you for and your Grade A pasteurized milk and cream, regardless of how flamboyant or not flamboyant your packaging is. Sure, you might meet a few ignorant Tim Hardaway's out there, but millions of Americans will continue to enjoy your tasteful product. Don't be afraid, if Doogie Howser could come out, so can you. Be honest with yourself. Be proud of being "fage." Don't just go through the motions of telling everyone that you're "fa-yeh." You aren't fooling anyone. Only yourself.


At 10:13 AM, Blogger heather said...

I stopped in to an SF Trader Joe's before the Cake show Sunday night, just to stare longingly at the aisle of fine yogurts. We don't have such things in Colorado, and I often wonder if it is better than to have loved and lost Trader Joe's than never to have loved TJ's at all. It's a travesty of the first order.

At 10:15 AM, Blogger Escobar 600 said...

I started my own blog...any comments or criticism are welcomed

At 12:04 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

I'm surprised TJ's hasn't made it out to Colorado. I'm sure it will soon. They're in AZ. I really don't know how I'd be alive without it at this pt. It's that good.,

At 1:40 PM, Blogger Wade said...

I openly support your yogurt's lifestyle, haters be damned!

At 7:58 PM, Blogger Jonathan said...

I was eating greek yogurt as I read your blog today. Honestly. It was kind of weird.

At 8:57 PM, Blogger amphimacer said...

You want to hear weird? I had two -- yes, two -- aunts named Feige (that's how we spell it here in Canada): my father's sister and his younger brother's wife. But the yogurt was all on my mother's side.

At 12:59 PM, Anonymous young black socrates said...

i love my dead gay yogurt!


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