My Greek Yogurt Might Be Homosexual
I've lived in LA for a very long time. 25 years to be exact. And living in LA does strange things to a person. You start doing Yoga . You think nothing of ordering Diet Cokes in restaurants. You forget that water doesn't only come in bottles. Of course, I'm not necessarily proud of these sad realities, however I can and will rationalize yoga by saying that it does incredible things for your hoop game. Nate Jones on the NBA did not bestow the nickname "Air Weiss" on me for nothing. And while it has infinitely less of ring to it than "Air Jordan," it certainly has more of a ring to it than "Air Goodman."
In addition to the unorthodox exercises and beverage choices, I have picked up another habit favored by the Angelenos: enjoying greek yogurt. So much that my refrigerator is now stocked with little else but Greek Yogurt, Trader Joe's Chicken McNuggets and Trail Mix (blogging, of course, being the finest way to earn vast sums of income.)
But it wasn't until the other day as I enjoyed this Grecian delicacy that I stumbled across a startling revelation. My yogurt was labeled "fage." I didn't need to be a smart-assed 5th grader on a playground to figure it out either. Sure, they might have gone through the trouble of changing the last two letters, but I'm no fool. I should've known better. After all, wasn't it the movie Ghost World, where the Greek manager of the yogurt/convenience store proudly claimed: "We Greeks invented Democracy." To which, Doug, the local white-trash nunchuks-sporting redneck responded: "you also invented homos."
Father of the Bride. And we all know which team that wedding coordinator was playing for. He was probably their starting shortstop.
Ultimately, my disappointment with my yogurt's duplicity left me thinking that maybe LeBron James was right when he claimed: "If you're a Greek Yogurt, you have to be trustworthy, and if you’re a gay Greek yogurt and you’re not admitting that you are, then you are not trustworthy. So that’s like the No. 1 thing between a man and his food supply—we all trust each other. You’ve heard of the in-refrigerator, dining room code: What happens in the dining room stays in there. It’s a trust factor, honestly. A big trust factor.”
C'mon, Greek Yogurt. There's nothing wrong you being "fage." It's the year 2007. Most people are tolerant and willing to accept you for and your Grade A pasteurized milk and cream, regardless of how flamboyant or not flamboyant your packaging is. Sure, you might meet a few ignorant Tim Hardaway's out there, but millions of Americans will continue to enjoy your tasteful product. Don't be afraid, if Doogie Howser could come out, so can you. Be honest with yourself. Be proud of being "fage." Don't just go through the motions of telling everyone that you're "fa-yeh." You aren't fooling anyone. Only yourself.