Friend or Hoe?
It's not easy being a blogger. All day long you slave sans pay, trying your damndest to write coherently, respond timely to e-mails from publicists, fellow bloggers, and the occasional convict (note to prisoner 504232 locked down in Folsom: I gotcha' back) and still trying to get the occasional paying freelance gig to keep your stray cat stocked up with Friskies. Needless to say, the highlight of any 21st century blogger's life is that glorious stretch at the end of the day, when he can sit back and recline in his ergonomically correct chair and peruse his Myspace account to see what's happening in the world of cyber-whoring.
Lo and behold, I logged into Myspace just yesterday to find myself besieged by an intriguing friend request proposition from a young woman desperately trying to be friends with The Passion of the Weiss. How flattered I was. Me, a young, naive blogger being asked to be friends with the esteemed likes of Flirty Candy, a 23-year old girl from Charlotte, North Carolina. Sure, she didn't have a picture on her page, but I knew from her profile that this was a girl I'd like to have on my hard drive. So to speak. Just check out her insightful and eloquent profile prose.
"M|S|N MESENGER = firstname.lastname@example.org (GMAIL NOT HOTMAIL) CHAT ME ON THERE IF YA WANT.. IM USUALLY ALWAYS ONLINE... I also have A..I..M but I its goes all screwy on me all the time and freezes!! If you don't have M|S|N then A..I..M me at clashycutie21 but Im warning u I may not reply as its constantly freezing lol.. Besides if u dont have M|S|N you're a LOSER lol jks!!! :)"---
Wow. She's always online! Me too. Flirty Candy, we're a match made in cyber-heaven! Could this be the one? I think so. Robbins Bros. here I come!
Tila Tequila, You're My Only Friend (So Here's a Bit of Advice, Stay Away From Paul Wall)
But that was just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Flirty Candy seemed to have every quality a man could hope to find in a woman. Her profile continued: "Im a cool chick, I get a long with almost everyone. I know how to have fun and make people feel comfortable around me. I'm a BIG fan of making-out lol.."
OMG, Making Out, LOL, That's like so cool. That's like Pete Wentz cool. I wonder if Flirty Candy would make out with me? Probably. She DID friend request me and why would a girl who I've never met lie to me? Impossible. So I read on in her self-illuminating profile.
"I'm looking for a nice sexy guy who has what it takes to keep me interested and wants to explore me like i want to explore him. I'm not that picky but I do know what I want. Looks aren't everything so I give everyone an equal chance!"
She was describing me to a tee! I'm nice. I'm sexy. I like exploring. Fuck, I have like 14 books on Magellan. And hey, looks aren't everything to Flirty Candy (just money). Gee whiz, that's just swell.
But when I arrived at the last part of her profile, where she listed her turn-ons, suddenly, I realized that I may not be the perfect match for Flirty Candy, whose turn-ons include: "Abs,asses, boobs, tongues, tattoos, piercings, soft skin, shaved down there, eyes, lips, tight jeans, hot cologne, motor bikes, hot cars, 3-somes, porn, chocolate!!!"
Sometimes I Wonder If Myspace Whores Consider Themselves Cooler Than Friendster WhoresI stayed awake for hours agonizing over her contradictory nature. At first, looks weren't important but now, a mere one paragraph later, Flirty Candy tells me her turn-ons include abs, asses and boobs." If only I'd spent more time in the weight room and sprung for that pair of breast implants. Perhaps then she would be mine. Then again, I don't wear tight jeans (might I suggest dragging a hipster out of The Cha Cha Lounge for that), nor do I wear hot cologne (pick up a Persian kid off Sunset) and I certainly don't have a hot car (because Flirty Candy loves ghost-riding the whip).
Ultimately, it was okay. I recovered from my psychic meltdown a few hours later when I received a Friend Request from Liz, not to mention the tempting friend request from Mackenzie. Thank god for Myspace. Where else would I meet such high-quality women? J-Date? No thanks, I've got Tom as my friend and thousands of esteemed prostitutes dying to meet me. As for Flirty Candy, sure, I think about her sometimes, but I just don't think we're truly right for each other. In the meantime, I've messaged her to tell about a new man who I think might be right for her. A man who is also into, abs,asses, boobs, tongues, tattoos, piercings, soft skin, shaved down there, eyes, lips, tight jeans, hot cologne, motor bikes, hot cars, 3-somes, porn, chocolate!!!"
Perhaps she's heard of him? He does it ALL for the Nookie.
MP3: The Grateful Dead-"Friend of the Devil"
MP3: Jay-Z-"Friend or Foe"