The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Monday, February 05, 2007

The Superbowl (Bah, Humbug)


Wow, that was some rainy, miserable, football. I'd rather have watched Dwight Schrute give a power-point presentation on the merits of Dunder-Mifflin paper, than have to sit through that thing again. Hell, I'd rather watch an episode of CBS flagship 2 and 1/2 men than spend 2 and a half hours wondering how much the Bears' quarterback got mocked for having the last name, "Gross-man" at 9 years old.

Basically, if you weren't from Indianapolis or Chicago, (okay, maybe just Indianapolis) this was one of the most dull and listless spectacles in recent memory. Yeah, yeah, it proved that Peyton Manning can finally win a Super Bowl. He also has the personality of a bowl of grape nuts, dull, flavorless but surprisingly efficient. Not exactly the stuff of Joe Namath or even Bret Farv....ruh. Y'know you're suffering when one of the key media backstories of the game is how quiet Marvin Harrison is. Fantastic, news segments devoted to the fact that the star wide receiver is a mute.

I guess Prince doing the Super Bowl was okay. Although, next time maybe someone could pass NFL headquarters the memo that this isn't the year 1985. Prince isn't edgy. My grandmother likes Prince (and Benny Goodman). The most interesting side story behind the game was the fact that the Bears' coach is named Lovie Smith. What the fuck is he, a care bear? A character on Gilligan's Island? If I were named Lovie Smith, I would change my name to Nails. Something tough. Mean. Maybe if the Bears were coached by a man named Nails Smith they would've won (or at least limited Gross-man to like, 14 turnovers).

He Even Looks Like a Nails Smith


Don't even get me started on the commercials. Maybe I'm not 12 years old anymore but I could've sworn that the commercials used to be funny. Now they're just weird for the sake of being weird. Like that Snickers commercial where the two mechanics were making out? What the fuck was that and why am I supposed to find that funny? Like two grease monkeys swapping spit will make me yearn for a delicious peanut and caramel treat. (Unless of course, it was a commentary on Karl Rove's deepest darkest fears behind legalizing gay marriage, in which case, it's genius.)

Congratulations to the city of Indianapolis. If I were in Indianapolis I'm sure I'd be pretty stoked right about now. I suppose they've suffered long enough in Super Bowl purgatory (inevitably, God's punishment for having produced Dan Quayle). But it does mark a new low in NFL history, that the quarterback of a Super Bowl winning team is named after a soap opera-novel about the lives of three lonely and repressed women.

Oh well. Another year, another Super Bowl. This one, stunningly more unspectacular than the last. And as much as I rue the appallingly bad alchemy of football, advertising and bland broadcasting, the irony is, of course, that I'll tune in again next year, like everybody else. Why? Because I'm a sucker for any holiday that involves beer, chips, pizza and guacamole. Even if Dwight Schrute probably can play quarterback better than Gross....man.

9 Comments:

At 9:33 AM, Anonymous b chapman said...

hey, i LOVED the game. but i'm from indy.

you're way off base with the peyton and marvin stuff, though. our team is rare in that our players rarely do dumb shit (although our secondary has had some run-ins with the law). it's a nice change from the norm, and from the pacers, who seem to be the new portland. although i'm suffering from an overdose of the term "class (which apparently can only be attributed to black guys)", that's what marvin is all about. he's the finest receiver in the league but i've only seen him spike the ball once in over 100 touchdowns. it's just a refreshing change from guys getting busted for home armories and whatever retard shit t.o. is pulling at any given moment.

 
At 12:37 PM, Blogger Nate said...

The Superbowl is a complete waste of time. I can't believe people find the superbowl entertaining. The fact that this has turned into a faux national holiday is disturbining. I don't enjoy sitting infront of the television all day watching non-sense...

 
At 3:02 PM, Anonymous DudeAsInCool said...

The game was boring, but Prince owned that stadium, edgy or not. Speaking of edgy, name me someone from that genre that can actually play the guitar.

 
At 3:35 PM, Anonymous dudeasincool said...

PS I agree the commercials were pretty lame. The only thing that looked halfway interesting was one of the Coke commericals

 
At 8:15 PM, Anonymous funkytez said...

Prince was average, but better than the sloppy-joe Rollng Stones and anything else in the past few years. He's an awesome guitar playerfor sure.

I think if it was a clear day we would have seen more Gross-turnovers and a larger difference in the score. Indy could've beat the crap out of them with more TDs minus the rain.

Class? Dude...this is football...it's entertainment + athleticism+ ego. All that matters is that your team wins. Also, I thought Dungy and his crew of suits in the winners pod ruined it by basically attributing their Super Bowl win to Christianity and God. Give me a f****** break.

 
At 8:57 AM, Anonymous b chapman said...

you're right. why should a human being restrian himself one iota? i'll quit being a colts fan and buy a chris henry jersey. i'd rather see a guy who loves him some statutory rape win games than a decent human being.

and NO SPORTS PERSONALITY EVER has given any credit to god after winning the big game. shit, have you ever even watched sports before? i'm no bible banger, but at least tony lives that shit. got to give him credit for that.

 
At 3:58 PM, Blogger Joey said...

It's not just you--the commercials used to be funny. Not anymore.

 
At 4:24 PM, Anonymous silawe said...

That Snickers commercial could have been funny.
When the guy said "quick, do something manly" He should have punched him in the face.
That would have been awesome.

 
At 9:17 PM, Anonymous funkytez said...

Uh...no. I don't watch sports ever. Thanks for clearing my head and making everything just right.

 

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