The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Full Throttle Energy Drink: The Tim Hardaway of Soft Drinks

Ever think to yourself, man I wish my energy drink could do more than just give me a buzz to get through the afternoon? Ever wish your beverage could end feminism as we know it? Or maybe even give you a really cool monster truck to impress all the boys at the Truck Rally? Well, if that's the case, then look no further, because the Full Throttle Energy Drink is here. Personally, I don't know how I've gotten through the last 25 years. Indeed, ever since last week, when I discovered Full Throttle, my life has improved immensely. All the biker skanks want me. All the tatoo artists want to tat me up. And all the bikers want me to be in their biker gang.

You see, it was just seven short days ago that I was cruising along the highway, minding my own business, trying not to think about what exactly Patrick Wolf means by "The Magic Position" When suddenly, I saw a Full Throttle billboard and its caption: 16 oz. of Tijuana. Prior to that moment, the words 16 oz. of Tijuana had only made me think of enough weed to get high until roughly 2010 (or jail time until roughly 2010 if things went wrong at the border.) Or maybe even something L'il Kim was rumored to have gone to the hospital for. But I most certainly didn't believe that drinking Coca-Cola's new energy drink could make me travel through time and space to a land of drug killings, donkey shows and all-you-can-drink tequila. Boy, how wrong I was!

After seeing that awesome billboard, I was intrigued. So I went to Full Throttle's website to learn more about this life-changing product. And man, I can't stress enough how cool that website is. It was there on this so-called world wide web, where I met the various men of Full Throttle, like Bob from Connecticut, who told me that: "the parade of testosterone comes through with the full throttle truck and it snaps me out of this haze I've been in." All of a sudden, I realized that this drink would make me more manly, more illiterate, but less tired. Three things I've been looking to do for years (if only Hooked on Phonics hadn't worked). Another super bad-ass dude on the website was gangbanger Mike from Los Angeles.' Mike is so cool. In his picture, he throws up a gang signs, and asks us Full Throttle fans, "Metrosexual! What the fuck is that!" Mike's so bad-ass. He doesn't take shit from anyone. Don't blame him for not wanting to to be in the same gang as John Amaechi.
By day, I work as a male model for the Coca-Cola Corp.; By night I live my dreams as the lead singer of a Frank Zappa Cover Band

The website also introduced me to a lovable, musclebound rapscallion named Roland from Austria who declared: "What was the man's responsibility? He was going out there and hunt." Roland doesn't care about grammar and neither do I. I bet he be good governor of Caleefornya too. Me likey! Not to mention a whole bunch of pertinent info from a section called "the rides." There, I got to see Monster trucks, exotic sports cars, tractors and tanks. I wish I had a tank. Tanks are cool. I bet chicks like tanks. Almost as cool as the super awesome tank was a video game I found on the website, where I got to be my absolute hero, Bob from Connecticut. I helped him to escape the "minivans and shopping that were bogging him down." Who knows, if I hadn't helped him, maybe Bob would've had to drive his kids to soccer practice. The horror!

Thank god, for this delicious beverage made of high fructose corn syrup, carbonated water and citric acid. And don't even let me get started on Full Throttle Theater, where I learned that by drinkingFull Throttle, men everywhere can learn "how to let their inner-man out, and re-claim all that is rightfully theirs." Do you guys hate feminism? If so, this is the drink for you. One mouthwatering sip and your woman will be in a burka before you can say wage gap.
Finally, Coca-Cola has delivered a product worth checking for. Personally, I've had it up to my heavily caffeinated ears with these "sissy" drinks. Coke Zero. Cokes with Splenda. Diet Vanilla Coke. They have an old saying in my family: If your energy drink doesn't make you feel like you're having a heart attack, than its probably for pussies. And you better believe that Full Throttle delivered. Palpitation central baby!!!

The truth is, the world has long needed Full Throttle. 6,000 years of civilization and yet mankind had never produced an energy drink for illiterates, bigots and other miscellaneous retards (ed note: forgive me for making fun of illiterates, but y'know they ain't reading). Personally, I want three things from my energy drinks: 1) I want them to reverse the gains that women have made over the past 30 years 2) I want them to tell me what cool tattoos to get and 3) I want to know which metrosexuals to mock. Is that too much to ask? I think not. Thank god for Full Throttle, the drink that will allow the men of the world to unite. To fulfill our dreams of being second-class citizens no longer. The energy drink of our future is here! Who needs 40 oz. of freedom when you can drink it in 16.?


At 8:44 AM, Anonymous floodwatch said...

I'm reminded of the genius that was Idiocracy here. Outstanding work, as usual, Mr. Weiss.

At 10:14 AM, Anonymous joe said...

yeah i wonder where they found that robert rodriguez film extra.

i don't know about you jeffy boy but unless i'm boning some skank in the cabin of my big rig hopped up on full throttle, i might as well be at some homo bar drinking red bull cocktails talking about polimatics, and that's for fags.

yeah flood said it best definitely an idiocracy related post, that movie still mkaes me chuckle.

it's got electrolytes.

At 10:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Tim Hardaway of sports drinks? You mean if you add a little vodka your energy drink will take it up the ass but hate itself in the morning?

At 3:35 PM, Blogger David said...

Hilarious post. Full Throttle has won me over, I'll never sip a Red Bull or a Rock Star ever again.

At 3:51 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Thanks guys...y'know alot of people have told me how much they didn't like Idiocracy. But I'm not sure why. Every time I see something like this, I think about Brawndo. Well, that and everytime I go to Costco. For law school.

At 4:01 PM, Anonymous bunny colvin said...

idiocracy had a lot of potential but i don't think it quite lived up to it. it was worth seeing, but it's far from genius.

except for their names. they all had a spanish surname. i kept waiting for juelz santana to pop up.

At 6:55 PM, Blogger amphimacer said...

I bought some, but my asshole of a parole officer won't let me drink it. I hate parole officers, don't you?

At 11:04 PM, Anonymous DudeAsInCool said...

lol classic

At 1:06 AM, Blogger Matt In The Hat said...

I read- He was going out there and hunt." twice, until I continued on to "Roland doesn't care about grammar and neither do I." Thoroughly awesome.


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