Anna Nicole Smith Dies: A Nation Struggles to Cope
It is a sad day for America. The flag sits at half mast while a nation riven by ethnic, religious and political tension unites to cope with the shocking loss of Anna Nicole Smith, its preeminent former stripper turned Playboy Playmate turned obese reality television star. Indeed, our nation's mourning has manifested itself in various ways. In lieu of donations, her family has asked that spare silicone and peroxide be donated to the Anna Nicole Smith Memorial Fund, to teach underprivileged girls how to select themselves a billionaire Octagenarian. And millions have responded, once again showcasing the generosity of the American people.
Yet out of the countless scores affected by this unspeakable tragedy, the president of her fan club, Morris Van Kamp, of Skokie, Illinois, might be the most desolate, claiming that the loss of Smith has made life simply un-worth living.
"I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't drink. All I can do is sit here, in front of my computer, and stare at my Anna Nicole screen saver and think why her god? Why not me? Or why not Pamela Anderson?" Van Kamp said, blowing his noise with a tissue plucked from the box next to his computer. "The tabloids liked ripping on Anna, focusing on the negative things, like the time she married a walking corpse for the money, or the many times she talked about how she needed to 'fuck' in front of her teenage son, or even how she couldn't stop her poodle Sugar Pie from humping everything in the room. But what those people fail to mention is how hot she looked in her playboy video. (nsfw...via Goldenfiddle)
"A lot of people believe we had it out for Anna, but that was far from reality. In fact, right now, down at headquarters, the staff are swathed in black, performing a candle-lit vigil, praying for her soul," Carter said solemnly, wiping a tear from her face. "This was the last thing we wanted for Anna Nicole. Reality TV stars don't grow on trees. And even if they did, no tree could produce anything so train-wreck entertaining as Anna Nicole....Now, if you'll excuse me. I have to go call Bobby Trendy for a quote."
Yet Nicole Smith die-hards and tabloid editors aren't the only ones in pain. Americans as far away as Baghdad are suffering from the loss of this national icon. In particular, Daniel Bradshaw, a colonel in the United States Army's 103rd Regiment, expressed his anguish at Smith's loss.
"It's not easy here in Baghdad. Today, alone I had to interrogate four suspected insurgents, dodge three roadside bombs and duck twice from sniper bullets," Bradshaw said. "But to come back to base and turn on the TV to see that the American people are uniting over Anna Nicole's death? Well that makes me want to keep fighting. The world must be made safe for our nation's most important domestic product: reality television programs full of silicone-chested scantily clad blond women. USA! USA! USA!"
Even President Bush expressed his regret at the death of his fellow Texan.
"Anna Nicole and I go way back. Back when I was a young man that hadn't found Jesus and hadn't yet given up Jim Beam, I used to watch her dance all around Houston. Heh Heh Heh," Bush said, with a chuckle and a smirk. "In fact, I introduced to her to J. Howard Marshall. Him and pop were buddies, back in their oil-baron days. Her death is a sad day for America and reminds everyone once again, not to mess with Texas. Perhaps this great nation can learn from tragedy and unite behind a cause that can make this nation great once again: cutting taxes on the rich."
Ultimately, despite the epic nature of this tragedy, even the most broken-up souls expressed hope for the future.
"While the nation will never be able to replace Anna Nicole, her death shouldn't be looked at as tragedy. Instead, it should be looked at as an affirmation of the American dream," Van Kamp said. "Where else can a stripper marry a man on the verge of death and go on to take half of his fortune, become a reality TV star and make millions of Americans fall in love with her. Where else can someone lacking in any and all discernible talent or intelligence become incredibly wealthy off the size of her breasts alone. Somewhere a little girl can go to sleep tonight, snug and safe in her bed, knowing that if Anna Nicole can do it, by god, so can she."