How To Write A L'il Wayne Verse In 10 Easy Steps
It seems that you couldn't read a Year-End Music discussion without hearing about the unmitigated brilliance of L'il Wayne. And it wasn't not just the Pitchfork hipster types. Sure, they started this Waynesanity by giving credence to his absurd claims to be the best rapper alive (uh...last time I checked Ghostface, Pharoahe Monch, GZA, MF Doom, Lupe Fiasco, Nas, Camp Lo, Game, El-P, Aesop Rock et. al, were still rapping). But declarations of Wayne's sheer genius have now become ubiquitous in the non-hipster, non-Internet music critic world. Just check out this unintentionally hilarious Slate article, where America's top white middle-aged baby boomer music writers make non-ironic statements like:
"Lil Wayne...gets better the more material he puts out and the less he seems to fuss over it. There was Lil Wayne on the mixtape bruiser "Cannon (Remix)," Lil Wayne on that Lloyd single that rips off PM Dawn/Spandau Ballet, Lil Wayne upstaging Outkast on their own record, Lil Wayne indicting the president about his post-Katrina blunders, Lil Wayne freestyling over a Jay-Z beat better than Jay's written verses, and then Lil Wayne saying in an interview that he's better than the former king, and being correct."
It's enough to bring Walter Sobchack to mind because they're clearly "out of their fucking element."And just like Donnie lamely trying to jump in on a discussion about Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, not a single music critic was astute enough to consider the fact that nearly every L'il Wayne verse is practically identical. Sure, one song out of 20 might offer shallow conspiracy theories and therefore be deemed "political." But for the most part, they're cookie-cutter and seemingly store-bought. Probably because in all likelihood they are. As. a recent Village Voice article claims, ghost-writing is a standard practice in hip-hop and in all likelihood, Wayne's "prolific" 2006 was purchased." Don't believe me? How else to account for the four albums and 100 songs worth of material he produced in 06, not to mention the countless guest verses, and all of this on the heels of releasing a solo full-length last December. Not to mention Gillie Da Kid has gone on record claiming that he used to write Wayne's verses. So maybe Wayne did spend last year in isolation with a Thesaurus, cranking our two songs each week, every week, more than any rapper ever, becoming William Shakespeare the moment Gillie left Cash Money. Then again, I highly doubt Shakespeare would give an interview as asinine as this.
How to Write a L'il Wayne Verse in 10 Easy Steps
1. Pick a Verb. Preferably a verb about running away from the law or from an assailant. I.E. Duck, Run, Dodge or maybe Stop, Drop or Roll. L'il Wayne LOVES stopping, dropping and rolling. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
2. Connnect the verb to some sort of simile. This is crucial. Every single L'il Wayne line must contain some sort of relatively obvious simile. So maybe you can "duck like Scrooge." "Run like a bloody nose." Or even "Dodge like Kansas." You can do metaphors but try to steer away from doing this too often, lest people think that you are a different ghost-writer. That is bad. Also for bonus points talk about how "sweet" you are. L'il Wayne loves talking about being sweet like a Tahitian Treat or some other delicacy high in sucrose.
3. Mention "Slanging Keys." This is crucial to establish street cred. Don't pay attention to the fact that L'il Wayne's been famous since 12 and the only thing he knows about slangin' is that he speaks with it. After all, if you don't talk drugs how else can you impress the translucent Dairy Queen-white music critics. This way they can also compare you to the Wire. (Just remember to connect all that "slanging keys" talk with a simile).
4. Declare that you are Weezy F. Baby. This will tell listeners who you are. Sure, they probably already know, but adding The "F" in the middle of the name uncertainly adds to Wayne's level of class. It makes him seem like F. Scott Fitzgerald. Exactly like F. Scott Fitzgerald. Whatever you do, don't attempt to ascertain what the "F" stands for. That my friends is a slippery slope. And whatever you do, don't think about what the "F" stands for while looking at a picture of Wayne and Baby making out.
5. Talk about hustling. Music critics love hustling. Presumably, they are devotees to the energetic style of basketball popularized by players like Ben Wallace, Kurt Rambis and Mark Madsen. This will make them feel at home. If there's anything music writers know about, it's hustling.
6. Talk about Baby. Call him your Daddy. Forget the fact that he's not actually your Daddy. Forget the fact that the majority of people that call other men "daddy" are prostitutes. It's unimportant. Mention something that Baby told you. Maybe that he told you that "these bitches is bitches." Or that he told you to "Turn around and stick out." (Maybe, he was just quoting Sir-Mix-A-Lot.) Ignore the fact that you call a man named "Baby," "Daddy." Let's just chalk that up to being a New Orleans thing.
7. Make some sort of obvious pop culture technology reference. Talk about IPods. Or Myspace. Or gigabytes. Something remotely technological. It will show that Wayne is not completely retarded (just partially) and might have actually read a newspaper once or twice. Which clearly means he is a genius.
8. Talk about how poorly you treat women. Perhaps you can claim how you'll "never love a bitch." Or how you'll "never give a ho a damn thing." The more misogynistic the better. This will definitely do much to steer people away from those nasty "gay" rumors.
9. Apropos to nothing, make some sort of remark about Hurricane Katrina. No need to bother making it have anything to do with the rest of the verse. After all, never underestimate white liberal guilt. Any sort of name-dropping will make white liberals feel bad and they will forget the fact that Wayne is a multi-millionaire and anoint him the voice of the people. Also, be sure to make wild ridiculous conspiracy theories like claiming that you heard George Bush blew up the levees. The more absurd the better. Go for it.
10. Proclaim yourself the "Greatest Rapper Alive."Forget the Fact that Wayne would be lucky to be included in a list of the Top 20 rappers working right now. Most music critics haven't listened to Hip Hop Made Before 1999 anyway (other than Public Enemy). If you proclaim yourself the greatest, you will be the greatest. Or at least people will be foolish enough to buy this canard.
Now you're On Your Way To Being Cash Money's Newest Ghost-Writer. Fame, Fortune (and anonymity) Await You. Feel free to produce your own little Wayne verse in the comments. Or just send it directly to Cash Money. The Ghostwriting Hotlines are open now!
MP3: Lil Wayne-"Show Me What You Got"
MP3: Lil Wayne-"Myspace"