The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Blogger Dies of Heart Attack Waiting For Arcade Fire Leak

In what is believed to be the first fatality ever attributed due to anxiety for an album leak, blogger Eugene Wilhelm of Seattle, Washington has passed away at the tender age of 24 years old. While medical professionals attribute Wilhelm's death to several blocked arteries that stemmed the flow of blood to his heart, those close to Wilhelm claim that the real reason stems from his unchecked anticipation for the new release from the Montreal based-septet, The Arcade Fire.

According to Wilhelm's closest friend, Erick Simpson, Wilhelm had been sleepless for several days leading up to his death.

"It was terrible. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat. All he could do was sit in front of the computer with glazed eyes, constantly searching for the album on Soulseek and Oink. At one point he called me up ranting and raving. I think the first song, "Intervention" had just leaked. All he kept saying was ' you hear that you hear that sounds like God. It sounds like God."

Wilhelm's ex-girlfriend Nancy Farrar said that Wilhelm's interest in the Arcade Fire had been one of the reasons for their break-up.

"All he could talk about was Arcade Fire this...Funeral that...Pitchfork this...but they all trade instruments that!! He even named his blog "In the Blogseat" after one of the songs on their debut. I was like 'look they're a good band and all, but they didn't exactly invent bread," Farrar said solemnly. "But he wouldn't stop. He told me that Win Butler was better than any kind of bread ever made. Even raisin bread. I thought that that was a bit much. I told him that if he liked Win Butler so much, he should just date him. To which he responded..."fine then...maybe I will."

Win Butler: "I Didn't Do It."
Win Butler, the lead singer of the Arcade Fire expressed sadness over Wilhelm's death, but made it clear that neither he nor the rest of the band should bear any responsibility for it.

"Look, I'm sad that the kid died, but honestly, we're just a band. We make music. We've only released like 15 songs ever. I'm pleased that people listen to our music, but perhaps people should focus on things more important, like curing polio." When Butler was informed that polio has already been cured, he added. "Or curing cancer. It doesn't matter. We're just a band."

But others feel differently. In particularly, Wilhelm's grieving mother, Cindy Wilhelm declared that to her son, the Arcade Fire were more than "just a band."

"If you could only have seen the look in my son's eyes when he ran upstairs from the basement and started screaming "look mom, 'Black Mirror' leaked." I haven't seen him that happy since before he got dumped by that bitch Nancy Farrar," Cindy Wilhelm. "His heart seemed fine then. Really, I didn't think anything of it until this week when a live performance of new material leaked. He screamed for about an hour with excitement and then he went strangely silent."

Wilhelm's body wasn't discovered until 6 p.m. that evening, when his mom found his cold body, still slumped over his computer, with his fingers still right-clicked on his mouse. Attempts to revive the fallen blogger were futile.

Wiping a tear from his eyes, Simpson mourned the loss of his fallen friend.

"What saddens me the most about it is that Eugene never even got to hear the album. I honestly think if he could've heard it, he would've died a happy man. But now? Nothing. His life was all for naught. He truly loved this band. He was even planning to name his first son Win Butler Wilhem. This is tragic, I just wish we could've staged an intervention of some sort to try to save him."

When reminded that "Intervention" was the first song leaked from the new album, Neon Bible. Simpson shrugged and grinned slightly.

"I guess that's what they call irony. Perhaps when Eugene first heard the song it truly was a sign from God. I is a really good song. "

God declined to comment for this story.

MP3: The Arcade Fire-"Intervention"

The Passion of the Weiss takes no responsibility for any heart attacks that may ensue.


At 3:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this song sucks, but this blog is badass

At 3:13 AM, Blogger Charlie said...

If you don't win some sort of specially created Plug Award for thinking up "In the Blogseat," I am going to randomly start punching the homeless.

At 3:43 AM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

thank you very much sir.

At 6:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a cracking yarn!!

At 7:51 AM, Anonymous Yiyo said...

hahahaha.... it's funny because that could happen to me...

"In the Blogseat" ----- just great

At 8:38 AM, Anonymous floodwatch said...

Fucking hilarious, Jeff. This was just what I needed this morning.

At 9:32 AM, Anonymous jamie said...

heh heh--that was kinda hilarious.

You know, I've heard a bunch of Arcade Fire songs, and they're, you know, okay... But I guess with the dearth of good rock music out lately, bloggers need SOMETHING to cling to as the next great thing!?

At 11:52 AM, Anonymous dan said...

brilliant. why dont you just write obits for a living.

At 5:51 PM, Blogger Nate said...

Funny post, Weiss...

At 6:52 PM, Blogger amphimacer said...

I laughed, I cried, I ate some croutons, I cleaned the oven. But that wasn't me punching the homeless.

At 9:32 PM, Blogger Joshua said...

I think I saw the main guy from Arcade Fire at the Oakland Airport last year....but I wasn't sure if it was him becuase he wasn't surrounded by Canadians wearing helmets and banging shit together.

At 10:13 PM, Blogger Mo Diggs said...

Very funny, even if I find Arcade Fire to be the most overrated band of the decade. Very funny good and nice.

At 10:20 PM, Blogger Ian said...

Just watch for my revenge post "Blogger Dies Of Scurvy Waiting For El-P Leak." I'mma have to smack a few kufi's for the fact that this is probably about me or something.

At 10:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn. That almost induced a pre-dinner nap. I wasn't impressed. On the other hand, great writing.

At 10:19 AM, Anonymous Sach said...

It is NOT going to be fun to be in Montreal once this thing leaks. I don't even have a particular distaste for The Arcade Fire but the regional-pride and overhyping is already reaching nauseating heights.

This though, is hilarious. Probably the first thing I've read about the band in the past year that actually made me smile.

At 10:33 AM, Blogger Jon Black and Britt Bergman said...

isn't arcade fire the newest incarnation of wolf parade?
i get confused.

At 1:38 PM, Anonymous joe said...

i got done reading about the LA hipster band, casually sipping on my diet mountain dew....and then i read the first line of this post and i just spit soda all over my workstation.

let's just say people think i'm a nutcase now.

that was the funniest thing i've read in months, i'm all about the canadians in all their various incarnations...but arcade fire just never did it for me.

they sound like they should be making football anthem music.

thanks jeff, that was awesome.

At 6:27 PM, Anonymous Yiyo said...

It's a shame for the boy... the album has just leaked right now!!!!
and yeap.. it's amaaaazing!!!

At 6:15 PM, Anonymous free ps3 said...

Thanks for the nice post!


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