Advice For New Years Resolution Gym Joiners
Every single January 1st brings the same thing, an avalanche of New Year's resolutions from optimistic souls vowing that this year will finally be the one that they put their gym memberships to good use. Which is all well and good but it inevitably means the worst time to work out is each January through March, when parking lots are constantly clogged, the machines are perpetually in use and a noxious workout stench oozes from the walls. It's awesome. With that in mind, I'll like to give a bit of advice to all the gym newbies, lest they wind up like the rest of the Los Angeles freak shows that dog me at every gym turn. Because no matter which one I join, one truth always holds evident in Los Angeles: the people are fucking freaks.
1. Shower Beforehand I don't even know how this made the list. It seems so elementary. For most people, showering is a part of their daily routine. In fact, people everywhere seem to shower regularly except at the gym. In fact, there's always that one person you dread working out next to. At my gym, there's a weird bearded dude who looks like a cross between a gay porn star and a flamenco guitar salesman, who always steps on the treadmill or elliptical right next to me, wearing the same bandanna, the same heavy sweatshirt and the same smelly sweatpants. Every single day. Exuding his trademark stench of rotted roast beef and unwashed feet. It's quite fantastic I suppose, if you ever wondered what it would be like to work as an undertaker.
2. Learn How to ParkIt never fails. Every time I go to the gym, I get stuck behind a guy blocking traffic, waiting for someone to pull out of his spot. Invariably, there'll be dozens of available spots in the lot, but 9 out of 10 times I get stuck behind Elmer Bernstein, aged 81, there for Senior Citizen Yoga. Then, if I can even snag a spot, thanks to the sheer January-March madness of the gym parking lot, I' end up returning to the car to find some brain surgeon who has parked his vehicle four inches away from, making it impossible to even enter. I assume this is because half of Los Angeles runs around convinced that they're superstars and thus exempt from any common decencies.
3. Stop Grunting
Last time I checked you weren't Monica Seles. If you are, then I apologize. Otherwise, don't grunt at the gym. Females will not be impressed by how much weight you're lifting. In Los Angeles, the only thing most females can agree upon is that they're more impressed by your bank account than your bench press. Grunting at the gym is like driving a yellow Mustang: a desperate and feeble cry for attention.
4. Be a Female
Though preferably not a female whose intestines are showing, like the one above. How come it seems that these January new members are always dudes. Granted, if I were a girl, I'd certainly be wary of joining gyms filled with skeezy dudes with lame pick-up lines. But c'mon ladies. Getting in shape is a good thing. If nothing else, do it for your fellow man. Because at this point, when I work out at the gym looks like a prison. Not that there's anything wrong with that per se, but if I wanted that, I'd just watch Oz. Speaking of horrible shower situations...
5. Wear A Towel in the Locker Room
Listen to Towellie. He knows what he's talking about. You can always trust a talking piece of terrycloth that advocates strict towel and marijuana use. But no one seems to listen. Instead, weird old naked guys insist on plucking their nose hairs, stark nude in front of the mirror. I kid you not. I've walked in on this scene more than once. The point is, don't forget to bring a towel. It can't hurt. No one wants to see your Johnson. Not even the nihilists, who in fact would probably endorse cutting it off for such misdeeds.
6. Stop Dancing
Contrary to popular belief, when you're dancing at the gym, you don't like like Ginger Rodgers nor do you look like Fred Astaire, you look like the neighborhood schizo that forgot to take his meds. I've covered this trend before, so no need to spill many more words. But bottom line: it's okay to bob your head and maybe even an elbow or two on the IPod. We all do it. But no need to doing the monkey next to the incline bench press. Or the swim next to the abdominal machines. And definitely not the funky chicken in front of the funky bicep cirl. Ok, fine maybe you should do the funky chicken. That's just funny.
7. Stop Flexing in the Mirror
You aren't fooling anyone. I promise. Every single time you lift up your shirt to wipe the sweat of your face, we all know that you're only doing it to check out your abs. And those biceps must be "accidentally" contracting every single time you pass by a mirror. Nothing says, "I have an IQ of 47...Let's pump Iron" more than the dudes that insist on wasting hours making love to themselves in the mirror. You aren't being subtle. You're being obvious and quite frankly, rather embarrassing. Is it really that hard to wait that extra half hour before going home to undress yourself with your eyes? I think not. Calm down, Zoolander. It's just a look.
So gym newbies, good luck with your New Year's Resolutions, work those abs, hit that treadmill, shed that flab, pump those biceps, fulfill every fitness cliche I can think of. But above all remember these crucial things and most importantly: shower (with a towel).