The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The 10 Worst White Rappers of All Time

White Rappers have been in the news a great deal of late, thanks to VH1's White Rapper Show, a program whose main goal seems to be ensuring that melanin-deficient rappers will be laughingstocks for eternity (see Jamie Radford's reviews of the show here). Granted, white folk have produced many a fine MC, as my 10 Best White Rappers coming next week will attest to. But all in all, I think everyone knows that most white rappers suck. With that in mind, I'm focusing on the most abominable rappers to ever dupe a greedy label owner into trying to make a quick buck on their color (or lack thereof). This list is a tribute to the few, the proud, the completely talentless. The 10 Worst White Rappers of All-Time.

10. Paul Wall I have this theory that if you showed up to a Ku Klux Klan Meeting and starting playing Paul Wall records while showing the men in white hoods pictures of the Houston-bred Wall, grills intact, you would immediately stomp any feeble notions of racial supremacy. After all, Wall himself is proof positive that regardless of race, color, or creed, most Southern rappers are flat-out retarded. But out of the myriad subpar sub-Mason Dixon line MC's that have debuted over the past few years, Wall is one of the worst and certainly one of the most lyrically deficient, seemingly incapable of discussing anything beyond liking grills, Impalas, cough syrup and tooth. The dude makes Mike Jones look like a Mensa candidate. You'd think in all those years Wall spent hanging out with Chamillionaire, Mr. "Ridin' Dirty" could've taught his friend how to rap. Still Tippin? More like still sucking.

9. House of Pain/Everlast
There were two albums in my stocking on Xmas Day 1992: Snap's World Power and House of Pain's eponymous debut. While I confess to playing the shit out of the first album (c'mon you know "The Power" was the jam), I only played House of Pain once. Why? Because even at 11 years old, I knew one crucial truth: House of Pain fucking sucked. A gimmick if there ever was, the group seemed to be a blatant ploy to capitalize on their Irish ethnicity to sell records in Boston. Keep in mind, DJ Lethal 1/3rd of the group wasn't even Irish. He was Latvian. Of course, Danny Boy, the group's anemic fair-haired hypeman was Irish. He also looks like he's being sodomized on the cover of the debut. As for Everlast. thankfully his name would turn out to be one of the least prescient hip-hop nicknames ever coined. Other than that pitiful Whitey Ford project, he has barely made a peep since HOP folded. Truth be told, its bad enough that their debut has songs called "Shamrocks and Shenanigans" and "Put on Your Shit Kickers," but these guys will forever live in infamy as the official reason why Wu-Tang got screwed at Tommy Boy, as the label brass picked Neverlast and Co. ahead of the W.T.C. Genius.

8. Northern State
Ever wanna' hear a bunch of female rappers name-checking Sylvia Plath. Me neither. But a few years ago in the wake of Eminem when white rappers were all the rage, there were about a million articles comparing the Long Island-based trio of Hesta Prynn, DJ Sprout and Guinea Love to Em and/or The Beastie Boys. Except for the fact that they couldn't actually rap (ok, maybe they were like The Beastie Boys). But before hipsters had discovered coke-rap, it seemed at least conceivable shot that these girls would be the ironic rap fix du jour, with lyrics like "The country's getting ugly and there's more in store/but don't blame me/I voted for Gore/Keep Choice Legal/Your wardrobe regal/Chekhov wrote The Seagull/Snoopy is a beagle." Whoah...that's like totally deep, yo. Pass me the organic vegan tempeh and the Kombutcha.

7. Kevin Federline

President Bush's lame-duck presidency would be much better served if he stopped wasting his time trying to get an anti-gay marriage amendments and instead tried to get a law passed barring celebrity magazines and tabloid TV programs from mentioning this chump. Granted, both seem like equally pointless endeavors but at the very least they would do the nation a public service by barring Kevin Federline from the airwaves and the print media. That way we'll never have to hear his aborted attempts at rapping again. Prior to hearing Playing With Fire, I didn't think it possible for Game weed carrier Ya' Boy to outshine ANYONE on a track. I stand corrected. People have called Federline the Vanilla Ice of the 21st Century. That's too charitable. He's the 21st Century Gerardo.

6. Kid Rock

Kid Rock is an enduring mystery in that, I've never actually met anyone willing to admit that they own a Kid Rock album. Yet somehow, Bob Richie's sold over 20 million records. Which leaves me either to believe that my friends have incredibly good taste in music or an incredibly good ability to lie. One of the worst rappers to ever pick up a mic, Kid Rock has veered off in a country-tinged direction in recent years (wisely figuring out that country music fans will purchase albums from anyone with a twang...see Rascal Flatts). But in the salad days of the rap-rock movement, Rock pretended to rap, spitting abysmally stupid lyrics about white trash dudes and the trailer ho's that love them. Classic cuts included "Yo-Da-Lin in the Valley," "Wax the Booty," "Pimp of the Nation," "I am the Bull God," and "Balls in Your Mouth." Dude's just bawitdabad.

5. Insane Clown Posse
I was put here to put fear in faggots who spray Faygo Root Beer/
And Call Themselves Clowns because they look queer/
Faggot2Dope and Silent Gay/ Claiming Detroit when y'all live 20 miles away (fuckin' punks)/ And I don't wrestle, I'll knock You faggots the fuck out/ Ask em About the Club they was at when they snuck out/ After they ducked out when the back when they saw us and bugged out/ (aaah!) ducked down and got paintballs shot at their truck, blaow!/ Look at y'all running your mouth again/ when you ain't seen a fuckin' mile road, south of 10/ And I don't need help from D-12 to beat up two females/ in make-up who make try to scratch me with Lee Nails/ slim anus? You damn right, slim anus! I don't get fucked in mine like you two little flaming faggots!
Eminem-"Marshall Mathers"

That just had to hurt.

4. Brian Austin Green (A.K.A. Beverly Hills 90210's David Silver)

Not a lot of people know about it, but circa 1996, at the height of Beverly Hills 90210's Valerie Malone era, Brian Austin Green released one of the worst hip-hop albums ever made, One Stop Carnival. An album so bad it inspired All Music Guide to call it, "the quintessential misguided celebrity record...pallid, uninspired, and insufferably arrogant, with no acknowledgment that its very existence rests solely on Green's limited success as a secondary actor on a fading prime-time drama." It also managed to make the Onion's list of the Least Essential Albums of the 90s. All this in spite of the fact that it had Tre from the Pharcyde behind the boards. Leading one to believe that Fat Lip wasn't the only member of the crew hitting the crack pipe. Reportedly, when the album debuted, Green declared to Insider Magazine that "[The album] is kinda like dem little carnivals that come to town with the dog-faced boy -- it's just a jumble of sh*t." His words. Not mine.


3. MC Paul BarmanTruth be told, MC Paul Barman has infinitely less skills than anyone on this list and should probably be the number one choice for the worst white rapper of all-time (and perhaps the worst rapper of all-time). But since most people outside the hip-hop community haven't heard of him, he gets the #3 slot. Thankfully, his influence never spread beyond the Trustafarian Reed College set.

It's hard to quantify exactly why Paul Barman's music is so bad. I suppose you could pick a number of reasons. 1) His insistence on clever-than-thou irony delivered in a smarmy rich kid tone. 2) His nasally wildly off-beat cadences 3) The fact that he sounds so fucking dorky that he probably got beat up in Hebrew School (by a kid named Eugene Schwartz...mind you). I have no idea who in their right mind would want to hear songs about a guy who makes "grannies panties moist,"who brags about being "hung like an earthworm", and who willingly calls himself a "cock mobster." It might be flouting the rules of the Geneva Convention just to play this album in a room full of people at a high decibal level. $5 says you can't listen to the entire thing without wanting to punch something. Probably Barman

2. Vanilla Ice


Of course. There's always this if you prefer.



1. Limp Bizkit/Fred Durst
Out of any of the white rappers to make the list, Fred Durst is quite possibly the only "artist" to have the ability to incense every living being on the planet. One of the progenitors of the repugnant rap/metal trend that swept the nation during the late 90's, Durst was easily the lamest, the front man of a band that luckily rode a fluke hit called "Nookie" into fame, fortune and Britney Spears hook-ups. Seven years later, he might be the only musician on earth with absolutely no real fans. The entire hip-hop and metal worlds despise him and his severely inflated ego and nonexistent skills. Hell, even Wikipedia hates Fred Durst, issuing the best biographical ethering I've ever read on the site.

According to the Wikipedia entry, Durst has "had intercourse with obese truck drivers as a way to meet his biological father." He was discharged from the Navy for a wrist injury he got "masturbating." He was anally raped in jail. He was a gay porn star. And he he had sex with George Michael. Truth be told, if you examine the man's music, it's hard not to believe.

31 Comments:

At 4:30 AM, Blogger Wayne said...

Ha, Limp Bizkit. Its absolutely unbelievable how big they once were.

 
At 7:21 AM, Anonymous floodwatch said...

I always thought Prince Paul had finally lost it when he got involved with Barman - what was that all about?

Hilarious post, as usual - great work.

 
At 10:04 AM, Anonymous rafi said...

Aw, Paul Barman's a hoot. His stuff is hilarious.

Everlast doesn't really deserve to be on here either. Sure he's not particularly great but Jump Around should provide him with a Cloak of Invisibility in this game. He also had some good joints on that 2nd H.o.P. album, and Prince of Thieves.

But anyway, a 10 Worst White Rappers of All Time list is easy. Lets see you do a 10 Best White Rappers list!

 
At 10:31 AM, Anonymous Rap Jack Bauer said...

When I used to work at Coconuts, we started buying back used CD's from customers in '03-'04.

After Backstreet Boys "Millenium" and N*SYNC's "No Strings Attached," the most returned CD we consistently had in stock was Limp Bizkit's "Chocolate Starfish." At won point, we had about 26 of them.

The fact that Fred Douche Lord Durst has done a song with Method Man and DJ Premier still makes me ill to this day.

 
At 10:32 AM, Anonymous jamie said...

dude where'd you get that picture of me from the very top?

seriously.. i think we need to do a cultural rethinking of vanilla ice.. i think the man's cockiness made him an easy target of public backlash.. but we forget what an incredible entertainer he was for a while there.. and the face that "ice ice baby" is one of the few rap songs that probably more than 1/2 of americans age 25-30 know by heart..

 
At 12:55 PM, Blogger David said...

Excellent post...Having learned that Fred Douche was in the Navy, is it possible that Limp Bigdick's music was deliberately created to be used in interrogations at Guantanamo Bay as part of a top-secret military project? Wouldn't you cough up intelligence if the alternative was to listen to Douche and co. yell incoherently about nothing?

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Flood: I'll never know why Paul he did that. Or why MF Doom collaborated. Maybe they thought he'd hit it big. I can't imagine that they thought he could flow.

Rafi-As the intro states, the best white rappers list it is on its way. Check back next week.

Zilla: That song was proof positive that anyone can have a hit record provided they get Primo and Meth on a track.

Jamie: Ice Ice Baby yes. Every other song he ever cut, no. Have you ever listened to the full length of To the Extreme. Its godawful. It makes Please Hammer Don't Hurt Em look like Illmatic.

 
At 1:39 PM, Anonymous Sach said...

Damn son! Crackers are in danger.

Fred Durst and Kid Rock are my generation's Whitesnake and Winger: unforgiveable mistakes that will haunt white males until time slowly turns the shame into laughter and ironic references.

That said I will cop to seeing the former live as an angry 15 year old in 1999. On the upside, it did give me a chance to see Red and Meth's opening act which pretty much cemented the notion that Black people rap much better that fratboy metalheads in my impressionable young mind. A costly but worthwhile lesson to have learned.

 
At 3:47 PM, Anonymous jamie said...

Actually.. I guess I'm a little ashamed to say it.. But I actually own To The Extreme on cassette, and there are a few tracks I still listen to (although somewhat ironically, I guess) because I still have a tape deck in my car.. Remember "Life is a Fantasy?" or "Stop that Train" or "Hooked?" Those were pretty friggin good songs! I think people would still say so today if he weren't held in such contempt.

 
At 3:54 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

I actually think in terms of skills he was no worse than someone like Young MC or Tone Loc. But it was just that whole look and the fake "I'm a gangsta/motocross legend" stuff, that makes him such a joke. I totally get the ironic value of those songs. Remember them well. Not to mention "Play That Funky Music White Boy" which could've been great if it wasn't serious. It's tough to separate the man from the music. But its just more fun to mock him mercilessly. Plus, Jim Carrey just nailed it.

 
At 5:09 PM, Anonymous kq said...

wtf are you thinking? paul barman is dope as hell!

 
At 10:22 PM, Anonymous angrycitizen said...

what the hell happened to David Faustino aka Bud Bundy aka Grand Master B? Does he not deserve mention? He didn't make your best of list, did he?

 
At 10:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm no huge fan but I dont think Everlast belongs on this list...

Lets not forget that long before House Of Pain, Everlast was down with Ice T's 'Rhyme Syndicate' and rappin on Ice's albums. Any white boy down with Ice T has to have skils...And street cred.....

Then House Of Pain blew up, and although the Whitey Ford album was in large part a steaming pile of dogshit, 'What it's Like' is really one of the best songs of the mid-late 90's...I was just listenin to that in the car today. That is really a great song.

You know there arent that many white rappers anyway, Everlast will probly show up on your list of the 10 best too...

 
At 12:18 PM, Blogger Commish CH said...

Clasic stuff, props. My "alternative" friends used to think Durst was like KRS on the mic. I would tell them, just listen to that song he does with Meth, just LISTEN to his lyrics! They're garbage! To no avail, they still thought he was the man.

A few others that might receive votes: Jamie Kennedy, Marky Mark, The Kottonmouth Kings, and John Cena (who actually got Freddie Foxxx on a song with him.)

Also, old school heads might remember Tairrie B, a sidekick of Schoolly-D, who looked nice, but wasn't nice.

 
At 10:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd put Barman up on the best white rappers list. He may not flow like others and repeats content from time to time but damn if I don't laugh my ass off.

And I agree, finding the worst rappers list is as easy as finding shit in an outhouse. Enlighten people with obscure music that you consider gold. Good effort though!

 
At 7:50 PM, Blogger NewmRadio said...

I like Paul too. But I'm atop the Top 10 Worst White Listeners list.

 
At 10:59 PM, Blogger The Human Resource said...

Paul Barman makes me laugh and apparently this post shows he has 5 fans.
Haaaa

His shtick is being a nerd rapper.
Granted, nerd rap sucks but I enjoyed laughing at him when people were talking about him way back when.

He has self-awareness.
Thus he is tolerable.

 
At 12:10 PM, Anonymous Tonya said...

Everyone is talking about this white rapper show. I think it only exists to make fun of white rappers. (not cool) Well, there is nothing funny about GIL-T, he is a white rapper who will put most black rappers to shame. I think the show needs to look harder for real talent and leave the comedians for SNL. Check GIL-T out at gil-t.com He is really good.

 
At 12:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You honestly have no clue about Hip Hop if you put House of Pain and mentioned 3rd Base on a negative list. Open your ears both of those groups have made dope albums. You mention that House of Pain are a gimmick, but so weren't the Beastie Boys. They still made good music.

 
At 2:05 PM, Blogger green hornet said...

aww, am I the only person who likes Paul Wall??? I mean, I can't say I've ever really gotten into his solo stuff, but his verse on "Still Tippin'" is the best one.

 
At 11:44 PM, Blogger daSMasha said...

yo Everlast it weak on the mic & he lookz like hes pushin' 50 years old weak new skin head lookin group! Everlast lookz gray and old as hell with that fat ugly guy with gay towel on his head under a hat tryin to be hard and he looks about 40 himselg whoever he is! They will all be gone in 5 more years cuz them crackas will be 2 old 4 this game dey already played themselves on that dumb white rapper show la weka nostra everlast!Oh 1 more thing u see that gay dude john browns lover visted the vh1 show datz why he would not speak to him blew up homey's spot he is a queer lol!

 
At 3:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

no way paul barman should be on this list. he's not conventional, but his lyrics are technically sound and funny. plus no way prince paul, mf doom, and masta ace would work with someone who they didn;t think was good.

 
At 12:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm gonna have to disagree with you re: MB Paul B.

Smart lyrics and rhyming more that one syllable are two acts sorely missing from rap these days. For example:

"The way I communicate can make a frickin' eunuch mate."

I challenge you to find anyone on your 10 best rappers list who even knows what a eunuch is. Plus, MCPB is funny as all get out!

ty

 
At 2:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You think MC Paul Barman is one of the worst white rappers of all time?

You obviously just don't understand his lyrics because:

a. You're probably still in highschool.
b. You haven't studied much literature.
c. You don't know how to work a dictionary.
d. The only thing you read is maddox and other asinine blogs.

 
At 3:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Limp Bizkit is better than all these here... they are best all of ya fucking haters, i hope you'll burn in hell... i can't believe how the hell Vanilla didn't get 1st place... insane clown, everlast are fucking retards they can eat some dick... David: fuck you damn asshole... ur mum is along with you some dickheads...

 
At 10:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That insane clown posse dis was fuckin hilarious. i bet the two fags were cryin after hearing that

 
At 8:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I couldn't disagree more with House of Pain and Kid Rock being on this list.

 
At 9:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

RAP IS CRAP.

 
At 2:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is one guy's list...It's not like the list is facts...It says the top ten worst rappers...AND ON A COUPLE OF THEM HE DOESN'T EVEN SAY THAT THEIR RAPPIN IS BAD. He just complains on their image. Fucking dickhead. Make a real list.

 
At 11:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Insane Clown Posse should not be in this list. What are we supposed to think they suck cause feminem said so? They have a huge following, they have had more than one gold record, every cd out is always in the top 20 indy charts. They have been out since 93' and still have die hard fans. You said or quoted something that is just plain stupid, you said they live 20 miles from detroit. Where is it written that you have to be from some big city to have talent, shit 20 miles away is detroit. ICP and Eminem have squashed any issues they ever had. ICP got their fans the hard way not from Dr Dre, there songs are not on radio or tv, but some how they have a huge loyal fan base. Their type of "rapping " is not typical, but who wants to hear about how much money or what kind of cars rappers drive that are in so many rap songs. ICP's songs are funny and most have great story lines, plus they are not affraid to express their opinion on so many real subjects like racism, wife beating, stupid shit in the media. There is enough room in the hip hop world for their kind of rap or horror core type shit. Maybe they are an acquired taste but there fan base and record sales prove a lot of people like them. Before Eminem was famous he used to put "ICP might be there" on his local rap show flyers to get people to show up. ICP are much better than half the white rappers in your best list, or in any other rap list. There are so many things they do for there fans plus they have a clothing line that does pretty well, everyone knows what the hatchet man is. I wouldnt expect shallow minded individuals who only like rap music to understand what ICP are about. For the people that are like fuck ICP, fuck you we dont want you listening to the wicked shit anyway.

 
At 7:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok ICP may be seem to be to gimicy to people for them to give them a try but if you actually listen to their music (their old music) they were great. Carnival of Carnage and the Ringmaster make them some of the BEST white rappers EVER. Besides that Whitey ford should definately not be on this list. Another thing is Kid Rock in his old days was a decent MC.

 

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