The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Monday, December 11, 2006

The Year in Review: A Dozen Poorly Written Haikus About 2006's Most Overhyped Albums

Joanna Newsom -Ys
Witchy Bjork Knockoff
Put Down that Harp
Immediately or else


Bob Dylan-Modern Times
Bob remains the best
but Modern Times
is blonde on blah

My Chemical Romance-Welcome to the Black Parade We love Queen
We love makeup
Welcome to the wack charade

TV on the Radio-Return to Cookie Mountain
Its indie. No, it's gospel
No, it's Electronica
No, it's boring.

Man Man-Six Demon Bag

Grow a Beard
Imitate Tom Waits
Hipsters Will Buy Anything

Wolf Eyes-Human Animal
Too Much Cacophony
Musicians Should Write Songs
Not Imitate Car Crashes

Clipse-Hell Hath No Fury
Six Good Songs
Does Not Great Album Make
Please Fire Pharrell

Justin Timberlake-Future Sex/Love Sounds

Good Producer Fools Hipsters
Into Liking Prince Imitator
With Lyrics Like Date Rapist

Gnarls Barkley-St. Elsewhere
Just 3 Good Songs
Rest of Album Terrible
Maybe I'm Crazy. Probably

Annuals-Be He Me
Leader Looks like Jeremy
From Pearl Jam Video
I Wish He Wouldn't Speak in Band Today

The Knife-Silent Shout

Icy Claustropobic Synths
Sound Like Sprockets Outtakes
Now We Dance?

Guillemots-Through the Window Pane

Music to Nap To
Like Watching Grass Grow
Through the Window Pane

27 Comments:

At 2:06 PM, Blogger Joshua said...

wow, i thought i was the only one who felt that way about gnarls barkley. glad i'm not.

 
At 4:09 PM, Blogger Wayne said...

agree with most of your picks, but i'm afraid i love the annuals record and in my opinion joanna newsom runs rings around anything bjork has ever done, still enjoyed the list, i guess we don't always hear things the same way

 
At 4:11 PM, Anonymous floodwatch said...

Jesus Christ - I haven't laughed that hard in some time. Well played, Mr. Weiss. Well played.

 
At 4:44 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

That Annuals record isn't terrible or anything, it just bores me and they just aren't worthy of my hype in my opinion. It's wildly derivative of Animal Collective, Broken Social Scene and Arcade Fire. They're young kids and talented. Hopefully, they will improve. Plus, their live show was dull as all hell.

Joanna Newsom sounds like Wynona Ryder impersonating Bjork on SNL Celebrity Jeopardy. I just can't get past that voice. It drives me nuts.

 
At 5:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh dear my comment got erased, was I being crude?

 
At 5:45 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

I didn't erase any comments

 
At 5:48 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Wow, you need a serious refresher course on how to write a haiku, buddy.

5-7-5, motherfucker. Calling them "poorly written" doesn't make up for poor math skills as well.

In fact, I'd say these non-haikus are well-written, but poorly categorized.

 
At 5:59 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Touche sir. I clearly have no idea how to write a haiku. But I do know how to dance the robot.

 
At 6:25 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 6:26 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

You had me at "robot."

Oh shit, there was nothing after that in the sentence. Well, then you had me at "the."

You...had...me...at..."the."

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger Dan said...

You can write something that captures the essence of the haiku w/o conforming to the 5-7-5 rule. The haiku is more about presenting two disparate images to create a mood or feeling that is otherwise inexpressible. Which doesn't happen here.

 
At 2:20 PM, Blogger Trevor said...

Dan, you almost lost me at "captures the essence." But then got me back with your last line.

Nice work, Weiss.

 
At 3:01 PM, Blogger slatkin said...

"Wow, you need a serious refresher course on how to write a haiku, buddy.

5-7-5, motherfucker."

You shouldn't really be calling anyone out when you apparently have a third grader's understanding of haiku.

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Okay people who are calling me out for having poorly written haikus...maybe you should look at the title of the post where I say just that. I know they aren't well written or well composed haikus. It's a joke.

 
At 3:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ace Cowboy--Are you the president of fucking N.A.M.B.L.A. ? I can't believe people actually post criticisms of fucking haikus. Did you go to fucking Reed College where you mastered the art of the haiku?

Nice job Weiss...your article and your haikus were ill.

 
At 7:22 AM, Blogger Luke said...

totally brilliant ... best laugh I've had in ages.

 
At 6:10 PM, Anonymous Sach said...

Even the ones I disagree with are hillarious/on point in their own way.

Ace post!

 
At 12:50 PM, Blogger The Human Resource said...

Wayne - Joanna Newsom is better than Bjork?

Can I have some of your crack?
They don't sell that good shit in my neighborhood.


- Good post. Although I like the Gnarls. And sadly 6 six songs do make a good album. That's where we're at right now.

 
At 3:06 PM, Anonymous dal said...

moth effing nails for that Clipse haiku. actually SIX good songs. I say four.

 
At 4:16 PM, Blogger Ian said...

The TV on the Radio one made me roffle, I admit.

 
At 7:20 PM, Anonymous CB4 said...

WOW... funny shit... especially these two:

"Too Much Cacophony
Musicians Should Write Songs
Not Imitate Car Crashes"

and

"Its indie. No, it's gospel
No, it's Electronica
No, it's boring."

 
At 10:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

amen on Windowpane

liked their EP though

 
At 9:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this article truly proves that any loser with no creativity or wit whatsoever can have a nifty webpage!

i am dumber after reading this.

 
At 10:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

what about the hold steady??

an old wannabe
screams to get our attention
but really just sucks.

 
At 5:06 PM, Anonymous Altman E. said...

This post is genius. This is why we have blogging.

 
At 9:11 PM, Anonymous DudeAsInCool said...

I can't say I disagree with our assessement, POW - actually, I probably liked fewer cuts off of these albums then you did.

I don't think albums matter as much anymore - I'm happy for the few good cuts that are producedh

 
At 3:45 AM, Anonymous dudeasincool said...

You probably said more in those short album reviews, than all the rest of the bloggers combined

And I can't say I disagree with your assessement, POW - actually, I probably liked fewer cuts off of these albums then you did.

But I don't think albums matter as much anymore - I'm happy for the few good cuts that are produced these days

 

Post a Comment

<< Home