The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

A Review of the Film Bobby or A (Probably) Fictional Conversation Between Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie Inside a Locked Bathroom Stall at Hyde

Nicole Richie: Oh my god, Lindsay, I just saw Bobby and it was like the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.

Lindsay Lohan: Bobby? Is that new club on La Cienega? I love that place. It’s so hot right now.

NR: No, it’s a movie about Bobby Kennedy. You were in it.

LL: I was? [Long Wistful Pause] Oh, yeah…now I sorta’ remember… I was so fucked up while we were filming.

NR: Speaking of which….

[The two girls laugh loudly and loud snorting noises are heard]

NR: Now I feel better… Whoo…anyway…what was it like working with Emilio?

LL: Emilio!!!!!

NR: Emilio!!! Ducks fly together!!!

LL: Um…it was like totally whatever, the whole time we were shooting he had this strange mustache…he looked like a gay porn star. Named Bruno.
Now Anthony...I'm not sure how familiar you are with my work, but there's this scene in Mighty Ducks 3....

NR: Ewww…gay porn stars are gross. Whatever, he was married to Demi Moore in the movie. I thought she looked so hot playing that washed up singer.

LL: Yeah, she’s like totally hot. When I’m her age, I totally hope I look like that. I guess that’s what plastic surgery’s for.

[The two girls laugh and more loud snorting noises are heard]

NR: Yeah…plastic surgery rules….speaking of which…how hot did Heather Graham look in the movie when she was screwing William H. Macy?

LL: So hot…it made me want to get implants so bad.

NR: Didn’t you used to have implants?

LL: I don’t know. Who remembers?

The Next LA Trend--Breasts Up to Girls' Necks: Gravity Bedamned!!

[More laughing. More snorting. Someone starts pounding loudly on the bathroom door.]

NR: Shut the fuck up!!! We’re famous!!! So Lindz, what made you want to do Bobby in the first place.

LL: I dunno…my agent said it would give me credibility….whatever….but I only did it to get close to Ashton Kutcher…he’s so hot.

NR: Yeah…he was the best part of the movie. He was a funny acid dealer.

LL: You know who wasn’t funny though, Sharon Stone? Her part was sad.

NR: I thought she totally nailed the transvestite look.

LL: She wasn’t supposed to be a tranny! Eww… and don’t say that about Sharon…she’s like totally a hero of mine.

Sharon Stone: Taking Fashion Cues from Her Idol, Rupaul

NR: You’re right. I’m sorry. She’s awesome. Have you seen Sliver? It’s like totally classic cinema.

LL: I haven’t seen anything made before 1995.

NR: Yeah, I haven’t seen that much either. But it was nominated for best picture back in the day…but like who cares, tell me about what was it like playing against Elijah Wood? Is he gay?

LL: I’m not sure. To be honest, I was too busy trying to hook up with Christian Slater. He’s so cute.

NR: Is that Jack Nicholson’s son?

LL: I think so.

NR: But you know what I thought was so cool about the movie?

LL: Getting to see celebrities in every scene? Oh my god, it was so cool, it was like going to the movies and being at Hyde the whole time.

NR: No, I was gonna’ say that it really moved me. It was like totally historical and stuff.

LL: Really? Like how?

NR: Well, it was about Bobby Kennedy.

LL: Oh, the hot dead dude.

Bobby Kennedy: His Last Dying Request Was to Have a Movie Made About His Assassination Starring Lindsay Lohan, Nick Cannon, Heather Graham and Joshua Jackson

NR: Yeah, that’s the one. The movie made me think that there were all these parallels between our time and the 60s.

LL: Really, that’s so deep? Only a genius could’ve figured that one out. You must be a genius.

NR: I’m pretty sure I am.

[Cue more snorting noises and more pounding].

NR: Anyway, like I was saying…it’s like the 60’s because times are tough for a lot of people, there is still racism and then there’s the war, which totally seems like Vietnam all over again.

LL: We’re at war?

NR: Yes, but that’s not the only problem with America. The people are hungry and we have a President who thinks the only way to help the problem is to give tax breaks to the wealthy?

LL: The people are hungry? Who cares about the people? Let them eat coke.

Rating: C-

Download from the Bobby soundtrack
MP3: The Moody Blues: "Tuesday Afternoon"
MP3: Smokey Robinson & The Miracles: "The Tracks of My Tears"

Bonus: The Song That Wasn't On the Bobby Soundtrack, But Should've Been
MP3: RZA: "B.O.B.B.Y"


At 11:21 AM, Anonymous Colburn said...

"Ducks fly together" is what I say when I'm trying to get a girl to sleep with me. Usually it works because they end up thinking about that Dawson's Creek goof. Ask me if I care.

At 12:45 PM, Blogger Nate said...

This just made my morning...Brilliant!

At 2:08 PM, Anonymous floodwatch said...

You mean this film isn't about Bobby Digital?

At 2:15 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

I favorite part about the RZA Bobby Digital alter-ego is when he said in the Wu Manual that he had actually bought a crime suit and a car and was about to go fight evil villains but decided against it at the last there's a movie.

At 3:47 PM, Blogger Nate said...

I told you I sate next to Lohan at the Laker game the other night. Not that impressed at all.

At 5:55 PM, Blogger amphimacer said...

A couple of good old tunes, but this is a first: the first time I actually owned more than half of the tracks you put up for downloading.

I am so old I remember the night that Bobby Kennedy was shot. Remember that it was the same year Martin Luther King had gotten shot -- we were numb by then... I recall coming home from school on the day King was killed to find my mother crying, saying, "We have to get out of this place." We moved back to Canada three months later.

At 1:09 AM, Blogger Coffee Snorter said...

i wouldn't be surprised if the dialogue being fictional isn't too far from the truth.


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