The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

A Behind The Scenes Look at the Thought Process Behind The 5 Worst Albums of 2006

Paris Hilton-Paris
Two Warner Bros. Records Executives Sitting in an Office in Burbank, Ca. Both of whom are smoking Cuban cigars and sipping champagne. Presumably.

Record Executive #1:
So....I've got this problem and uh I uh....

Record Executive #2:
What is it this time? Did you get drunk and start ordering Russian women from the back of the LA Weekly again?

Record Executive #1:
Worse. Much worse. I slept with Paris Hilton.

Record Executive 2 begins hilariously laughing.

Record Executive #1: Big deal, so has the rest of this office. You probably should get tested though.

Record Executive #2: Look, I promised we'd give her a record deal.

Record Executive #1: Obviously. I tell that to every girl I sleep with.

Record Executive #2: Yeah, but I signed the paperwork.

Record Executive #1: You what!!! How could you have done such a thing? She gave you paperwork? She can't even read.

Record Executive #2: No, she learned. After that whole Rick Solomon, One Night in Paris Thing, she makes you sign a contract before fucking her. It's legally binding.

Record Executive #1: You're fired.

Record Executive #2: No wait, we can make this work. We'll get that what's his name, the little Jewish boy, Storchstein..We'll get him to produce and we'll get that Fat Joe and that Jadatongue to be on it. The kids will eat it up.

Record Executive #1: I like where you're going with this. I hear she's big in Japan.

Record Executive #2: And Huge in Belgium!

They toast.

The Verdict: The album sells 500,000 + worldwide, going #1 in Belgium, proving once again that the Belgians should stick to making waffles. Miraculously, it only sells 140,000 domestically, proving that Americans have better taste in music than they have in picking presidents. U.S.A.

Young Joc-Young Joc City
Setting: Puffy and Young Joc sit in the back of Justin's. Plotting.

Puffy: I have this vision of a city filled with Young Joc's.

Young Joc: A Young Joc City if you will.

Puffy: Exactly.

Young Joc: Here's how I'm gonna' make it happen.

Puffy: I'm listening.

Young Joc: I'll do the motor-bike dance. People love the motorbike dance.

Puffy: You're right. People do like the motor-bike dance. I'll call Tom Cruise and teach him how personally. I'll make him do it live on 106th and Park. He still owes me a favor for that one time I got him out of trouble.

Young Joc: What did he do?

Puffy: Does the word NAMBLA mean anything to you?

Young Joc: No.

Puffy: Good. Good. Stick to the motor-bike kid, stick to the motorbike.

The Verdict: Young Joc sticks to the motor-bike, sells 800,000 copies. Tom Cruise does the Motor-bike live on BET. I will never be the same again.

Gwen Stefani: The Sweet Escape
Setting: Gwen Stefani applies suntan lotion onto to the back of her husband, Gavin Rossdale, somewhere along the French Riviera.

Gwen Stefani: Gavin, I really don't know what to do about my next album. There aren't any cultures left for me to steal, I mean pay homage to.

Gavin Rossdale: Whoah....

Gwen Stefani: Seriously, I've been a Harajuku girl, a Ska chick, A hip-hop dance ho and a super-fly eskimo. Too bad that Eskimo track didn't make the last album.

Gavin Rossdale: Whoah....

Gwen Stefani: Wait a second, what was the name of the last country we went to.

Gavin Rossdale: Bush?

Gwen Stefani: No Gavin, that was the name of the last band you were, we were just in Switzerland.

Gavin Rossdale: Switzerwhatzer?

Gwen Stefani: That's it, I'll be a sexy yodeler. No one's ever done that.

Gavin Rossdale: Uh...what...except that dude in Star Wards.

Gwen Stefani: That was Yoda. Anyhow sweetie, can you be a dear and dial Pharrell for me.

The Verdict: The album debuts at #3, moving 243,000 units. It probably won't go triple problem like L.A.M.B., but it ensures a place in our culture for the yodel. Something I wish died with The Sound of Music.

Kevin Federline-Playing With Fire
Setting: Several months ago in Camelot. Or the Federline Family Malibu Estate or it was then commonly referred to. Strung out on a Cheeto and Red Bull induced haze, Kevin Federline is in the midst of a deep conversation with first lady Britney Spears.

K-Fed: It's a concept album about Fresno, y'all.

Britney: Y'all. No one knows about Fresno, Kevin. Think bigger.

K-Fed: Okay...a concept album about elephants?

Britney: Y'all??

K-Fed: Wait Brit Brit, I got it...a concept album about our life...about how America hates me and how I like weed and alcohol and sex. Wow, that's exactly what I need to break into the mainstream. It's never been done before.

Britney: Can I be on it?

K-Fed: Word. It'll be ill.

Britney: What's ill?

K-Fed: Life.

Britney: Just wait.

The Verdict: According to Wikipedia, Playing With Fire sold exactly 1 copy in its fourth week of release and under 10,000 total. Federline got divorced mid-tour via text message. This will likely be the last album ever released on "Federation Records." Perhaps there is a god.

Rick Ross-Port of Miami

The Setting: In front of a meeting with the top brass of the Vivendi SA, the French Multinational Corporation that owns Def Jam, Jay-Z pleas for another chance in front of his Gallic Overlords.

Jay-Z: Sirs, I have just the solution to our woes.

French Overlord 1: Have you cloned Young Jeezy yet?

Jay-Z: No, but our scientists are working overtime to do so. In due time. In due time. Never fear my liege, I have the next best thing, a man named Rick Ross.

French Overlord 2: A Jew....ha? The world will not stand for a Jewish rapper.

French Overlord 1: Don't be so foolish Pierre, that Matisyahu is a veritable gold mine for Sony. And you said it would never work.

French Overlord 2/Pierre: Bah.

Pierre turns his attention back to Jay-Z.

Pierre (cont'd): Now tell me, Jigga, what is this Jewish fellow like?

Jay-Z: Well, he's from Miami.

Pierre Overlord: Aren't they all.

And he likes cocaine.

French Overlord 1: Does he like cocaine or does his like "like" cocaine.

Jay-Z: He like "likes" cocaine. He loves to rap about it.

Pierre: Perfect, that will appease the American hipster music critics and solidify street cred.

French Overlord 1: What else is this Ross like?

Jay-Z: He's a fat man and he likes to hustle.

Pierre: Outstanding...being portly will endear him to the plus-sized hip hop community.

French Overlord 1: Plus, his sheer tenacity will make him loved by High School Basketball Coaches everywhere. Do not hesitate a moment. You must go must go to the Port of Miami.

Pierre: Godspeed.

The Verdict: The album goes platinum in spite of the fact that Rick Ross does not endear himself to hustling-mad basketball coaches nor Fat Boys fans.


At 8:27 AM, Anonymous liz said...

Brilliant list. Why is Paris even allowed near record execs?

True or false:

Paris Hilton graduated in the bottom ten percent of her high school class.

At 10:06 AM, Anonymous Rap Jack Bauer said...

Weiss: 2 lines had he laughing outloud in my office.

"A Young Joc City if you will"


"What's ill?" "Life."
--ok maybe Cannibal Ox said it first. But coming from the mouth of Kevin Federline is aces.

Great stuff, my friend.

Godspeed. You're the f*cking BOSSSSS.

At 1:56 PM, Anonymous Sach said...

Hilarious. A few random nerd notes because...I'm a nerd like that.

1. There was ONE exception to yodeling being a horrible caucus mountain man induced form of noise pollution...Potholes in my lawn.

2. I guess I'm the only Fat Boys fan who still finds Rick Ross funny. must be the French in me.

At 2:11 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Touche Sach...De la might be the only dudes who can pull off the yodel...And Rick Ross is funny every single time. It's like old men getting hit in the groin with football. It works on so many levels.

At 3:55 PM, Anonymous scott said...

This list is awesome. I've argued about Gwen with many people, but I just feel she doesn't have it-not even close. No Doubt had some kind of chemistry that worked well with her voice. But her music/persona always looks and sounds deperate.

At 4:24 PM, Blogger Commish CH said...

I recently saw Rick Ross in "the booth" on Rap City. It may have possibly been the worse freestyle Ive ever seen or heard. Plus that guy is eating well, "Raaawwws" likes the grub.

At 2:35 AM, Blogger Joey said...

This is classic.

At 10:15 PM, Blogger amphimacer said...

Just one question: why are you so damn easy on these people?

At 6:12 PM, Anonymous matt said...

I like! If there was an order of sorts to this list, I would have the K-fed at the top, although with such a strong field of candidates these are delicate decisions... looks like I should be extra excited about the jan.6th my morning jacket, according to your top live performances of '06..couple days til D-day.

At 4:04 PM, Blogger The Human Resource said...

I laughed reading this.

Nothing makes me laugh.

Good work.


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