A Very Merry Un-birthday (to me)
Technically, today isn't my one-year blogiversay (as the French say), that would've been last Saturday. But either way its been a long strange year. We've laughed, we've cried, we've even chortled a few times. I'd like to think I've covered a lot of ground in the last 365 in my endless quest to win friends and alienate people. So in honor of this wrinkle in time and because my team of highly trained typewriting monkeys could use a day off, I've decided to post a short and very sarcastic retrospective of my past year in blogging.
Things got off to a bang (and about 3 readers) when I first posted on November 4th, 2005. mocking a lame and retarded hipster girl at a Mos Def concert. Clearly, I was working the kinks out. That month, I also attacked the scourge of humanity known as Bright Eyes. Thankfully, it wouldn't be the only time.
Things picked up in December. I managed to see Sinbad working out at my gym, and tricked a lot of people into believed that I was a morbid depressive because I didn't make anyone's Myspace Top 8,. Perhaps most importantly, in an entry entitled 1939-1945: A Time of Limitless Sunshine and Ice Cream, I predicted Mel Gibson's July, 2006 anti-semitic drunken confessional. Sort of. Either way, I wasn't far off.
Come January, when every single news outlet on earth made it headline news that Reese Witherspoon had worn a recycled dress to the Oscars (omg), I broke the earth-shattering news story about an Ethiopian village torn to pieces over her egregious slight.
As the year went on, there was plenty of fake news: from the Arab World Protesting Over a New Set of Muhammed cartoons to evangelical Pat Robertson getting a record deal for his propensity for starting "beefs," to Dick Cheney forfeiting the vice-presidency to willingly fight
Soon I was taking long and hard looks at the trend not really sweeping the nation: girls who think that they're Missy Elliot by virtue of taking a hip-hop dance class. Not to mention my psychic predictions of the entire plot of Pras' "First Night" movie about homelessness.
April brought the acclaimed critical analysis: How Sir-Mix-Alot invented the concept of "ass" in the white man (may or may not be acclaimed). I also won several awards for my ground-breaking journalism on the The Top 10 Professional Wrestlers You Watched When You Were a kid that are Probably Gay.
Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake? You're Making It Too EasyIn May I spent two days at Coachella. Aftwerwards, I came home and decided to instruct people how to DJ a Los Angeles party. I'm still not sure why. That same month, I explained how how Right Said Fred Started the "Supermodel" era of the mid-90s and took an epic trip to a very weird Renaissance Faire in Southern California.
As the year stretched out, I wrote an extensive guide to Car Theft, and tried to figure out why white hip-hop fans often dislike white rappers. Shortly thereafter, I scientifically proved that Cam'ron is the reincarnation of T. Rex's Marc Bolan and also exposed how the crisis in the Middle East can be solved if everyone shaved their mustaches.
There were trips to the Bumbershoot Music Festival, three-part lists of the 15 Most Obnoxious People in Music (please music world, don't make me expand to four next year). And so on and so on. Which brings me to the present moment, 365 days later. Huzzah.
If I can be permitted a moment of sincerity, I'd like to thank everyone for tuning in each day to read this blog, especially the other bloggers that have helped me out along the way, saving me from oblivion and soul-crushing anonymity. Or something a bit less dramatic. Either way, the readership and comments are much appreciated. So as they say in the hood: tallyho.