The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Monday, November 20, 2006

A Short Primer on How to Tell the Difference Between USC and Cal (Written at the USC-Cal Football Game)


Transcript of an actual conversation witness by me, between several USC students and two California Bear fans in the Los Angeles Memorial Colisseum parking lot following USC's 23-9 victory.

USC Student: Ha!!Ha!!Ha!...our team fucking kicked your ass today. You guys suck.

Cal Student: Who cares? We have more Nobel Laureates than you do.

USC Student: Whatever your girlfriend's fat. My girlfriend's hot. You lose.

Cal Student: Yeah...congratulations dude, you're an asshole.

Cal Student walks off with his girlfriend. As he does this, USC student hollers after him.

USC Student: I don't even know what the fuck a nobel laureate is anyway!!

Other Signs of the Apocalypse:

1. A middle-aged Cal fan gets up and starts cheering wildly for the Bears. This is immediately met with boos from the other team. In response to the jeers, the Cal fan immiediately begins dancing with both fingers thrusted nerdily into the air. It looks like a twisted hybrid of the dance styling of Steve Urkel, Elaine "Dry Heave Set to Music" Benes, and Carlton Banks. He does not seem to understood why this is just not okay on several different levels.

2. At halftime, Cal's marching band found it okay to play songs by both Missy Elliot and 50 Cent. I assume Pitchfork was behind this. theTonly thing that can top the twin atrocities of hearing "Work It" and "Candy Shop" on record is hearing it performed by a marching band.

3. Lastly, at half time, a USC fan is selected to attempt a 50-yard field goal. He strides confidently onto the field wearing sunglasses at night.

Collars up...sunglasses on...And Corey Hart is Ready to Party...Oh yeah!!!


Sadly, the USC student failed to live up the fine precedent for men wearing sunglasses at night, set by 80's icon Corey Hart (who will forever remain a historical footnote to both Corey Haim and Corey Feldman in the annals of 80s "Corey" trivia). Running drunkenly towards the ball, the sunglass wearing frat boy punted it a mere 10 yards and way wild to the right. This proved once again why there are only three kinds of people allowed to wear sunglasses at night : rock stars, the blind, and blind rock stars.

Download:
Corey Hart: "Sunglasses at Night" (left-click)

The Round-Up

I don't know how I haven't mentioned it before, but Idolator's weekly Pick of the Fork Contest is genius, particularly this week's pick which proves that fact is always stranger than fiction.

The eternally quotable Jim Jones does an Q&A with All Hip-Hop. Among the gems contained are his Kingdom Come review: "I'd say that there were about two songs on it that were decent. It really wasn't there for my n***as that be in the hood, hustlin?....I don't care how old he is. And he talk about 30 is the new 20. but he's 40. I'm 30, so who's 20?..." In other news, I want to start writing a Jim Jones Farmer's Almanac.

If you were ever wondered why modern hip-hop seems to use far less samples than it did during the golden age, this Slate article explains why. It traces the rise of companies known as "sampling trolls" and making things increasingly litigious.

The Onion Headline of the Week: New Mobile Device Purchase Makes Asshole More Versatile

In honor of the two year anniversary of his death, Slushy Gutter Summer looks at the Top 10 Moments of the life of ODB.

Lazy Daydream Rambler Lists His 10 Favorite Albums of the Decade (Thus Far)

Tina Fey is All Sorts of Awesome in my book. (via Fimoculous)

New Music Blog You Should Check For: Oceans Never Listen.

4 Comments:

At 12:52 PM, Blogger Andrew said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger noixe said...

i hope predominantly black marching bands get a pass. while we were trying to spell our high school's name while playing highlights from "phantom of the opera", every other high school in the city was just wilin out while the drumline played "put yr hands where my eyes can see." even if we hadn't sucked ass, we still looked real stupid compared to the kids who appeared to actually have fun. just sayin.

 
At 3:55 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

They definitely do...its one of those things that black people are allowed to do that white people just shouldn't even try. The most prominent other example I can think of is growing mustaches.

 
At 9:16 PM, Blogger Kyle said...

i would add the chicken noodle soup dance to that list, weiss.. and as a usc student, i have heard some form of that conversation multiple times, and im surprised my fellow student used the "my gf is hotter then yours" defense instead of the standard " you get what you pay for, i go to a private school, public schools suck, i pay more money, therefore i am getting a better education" defense they teach us at orientation.

 

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