The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Jim Jones "Hustler's P.O.M.E. or 24 Hours Of Ballin!!!

A Day In the Life of Jim Jones (according to Hustler's P.O.M.E (Product Of My Environment))

11:23 a.m. Jim Jones is woken up by a phone call from Max B. Jim Jones likes Max B, but thinks that Max sounds too much like 50 Cent. Jim Jones finds this Baalliin!
Shaking the sleep out of his eyes, Jim Jones tells Max B to come over. This makes Max B very excited. He dreams of the day when he too will have his own weed carrier.

12: 35 p.m. Max B finally arrives at Jim Jones' place in Harlem. Jim Jones greets him: "Baalllinn!!" He invites Max into the apt. to do some lines. Jim Jones tells Max B about last night when the yay had him trippin. He was paranoid at Benihana's, not to mention an unsightly incident at the club. Max B tells Jim Jones not to worry. He tells him that the "we live sucka' free." Jim Jones is happy. Very happy.

1: 15 p.m. Jim Jones is still thinking about last night at the club. He likes clubs. And money. And girls. He also likes bouncin' and grindin'. Did he mention that he likes clubs?

2:30 p.m. Jim Jones is almost ready to leave his apt, but first he looks in the mirror and adjusts his hat. Jim Jones cannot go out in public unless his hat is a perfect 180 to the side. Jim Jones really really really liked The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Jim Jones is not from Bel-Air. Instead, he is from Harlem. And Jim Jones thinks that is pretty fucking baalliin!!
Juelz Santana Revealing a List of Rappers Much Better Than Him
3:55 p.m. Jim Jones takes a cab to meet his friend Juelz Santana at the club. Neither man is aware that the club won't be open for another 9 hours, yet neither seems to care. They decide to have a long conversation in front of the club. Juelz produces a blunt for the pair to smoke. Jim finds this particularly baalllin. Soon the two men grow pensive. Juelz says he is emotionless. Sadly, Jim Jones is not emotionless and cries at his friends lack of emotion. He tells Juelz that mama raised a hell of a thug. Juelz agrees and tells him that he will seek therapy. Jim Jones finds this an excellent idea.

4: 34 p.m. Jim Jones decides that he needs political ties. He walks into Barney's 5th Avenue. When he asks a saleslady if the store has neckties with pictures of George Bush and Bill Clinton on them, she looks at Jim Jones like he is crazy. Apparently, they do not have political ties. This makes Jim Jones sad because he has said repeatedly on his album that he has political ties. Jim Jones had just figured he would skirt the issue by buying neckties with pictures of presidents on them. Not baalllin!!

5:45 P.M. Jim Jones sees his friend Cam'ron on the street. Cam'ron is wearing pink. Again. Cam'ron tells Jim that the two of them are like the Piston's balls: Back-to-back champs. The reference is lost on Jim.
Cam'ron Wearing a Pelt of Dead Smurf

6:33 p.m. Jim Jones decides that he will not sleep tonight. Hustler's do not sleep. They write poems. Jim Jones likes poems. He writes poems about clubs. And ho's. And baalllin!! Just like his hero Ezra Pound.

7:23 p.m. Jim Jones decides that tonight he will fly high. Suddenly, he has a flashback to last week when he was ballin. Jim Jones likes flashbacks. He also likes bub. Tonight, he vows that he will order 10 bottles of Bub by 2 in the morning.

8:23 p.m. Jim Jones receives a phone call. He checks the caller ID. It is one of his hos. Damnit! When he checks the voicemail, she tells him how upset she is about how the last time they had sex and he left a $100 bill on the dresser. She also tells him that she wants more out of the relationship than a Dipset tattoo. Ha ha. Jim Jones will have nothing of the sort. He declares that treating women like prostitutes is definitely baallinn!!

9:15 p.m. Oh no. The ho is calling again. This time she tells him about how she has sent him 22 text mails and 32 e-mails. Jim Jones laughes again. He tells himself that he is just like Rick James. He is rich, bitch. Girls like guys who are rich. You know who else girls like? Jim Jones.

10:34 p.m. L'il Wayne and Jim Jones meet up for some cocaine. Both of them like cocaine. After a couple of lines Wayne tells Jones that he's sweet like a tahitian treat. Jim Jones does not know exactly what this means. However, he assumes that this is something that Baby has previously told Wayne.

11:15 p.m. The cocaine makes Jim Jones feel introspective. Unfortunately, right now Jim Jones is at the club. What will he do? He decides he will call up his voicemail message-leaving ho. Jim Jones tells her "baby don't push me away." He apologizes for treating her so poorly. After all, she did get a Dipset tattoo.

Jim Jones' Tribute Album to Ryder Strong, star of Boy Meets World

12: 34 a.m. Jim Jones is ballin like it was 1999. Or so Prince has told him. He is dancing with a ho again. Huzzah. All of a sudden, he gets a call from his friend Freekey Zekey. Freeky Zeekey asks him if he's ever seen someone's head split open. Jim Jones tells him that he has and that it was pretty goddamned ballin. He also says "free Freekey."

2: 52 a.m. Jim Jones needs grub. He also thinks he is in love with a stripper. He also thinks that he is Tupac.

3:54 a.m. Jim Jones is worried. He no longer thinks that he is Tupac. This is bad. He decides the only way to solve the problem is to steal one of Tupac's beats and record a song called "My Life."

4:32 a.m. Jim Jones listens to "My Life" and becomes convinced that he is not actually Tupac. Jim Jones freaks out. Wait. Suddenly, Jim Jones knows what to do. He will call his friend Benjamin Chavis Muhammed. This is a good idea. Benjamin calms Jim down by repeating the word "baallin" endlessly. This puts Jim into a trance.

6:34 a.m Jim Jones wakes up from his trance in a cold sweat. Frantically, he grabs a pen and starts writing the song that had appeared to him in a dream. It is called "Ballin' (On Christmas). When he finishes writing the song he goes back to sleep. Another day, another baller.

Rating: 7.2

Jim Jones (ft. Cam'ron, Juelz Santana): "Pin the Tail" (left-click)

Jim Jones (ft. L'il Wayne, Stack Bundles): "Weathermen" (left-click)


At 10:55 AM, Anonymous Rap Jack Bauer said...

Wow...I literrally LOL'd while reading this post.

You should do a post where Jim Jones links up with Pras and they walk around the city eating popcorn while reflecting on life and love. That would be emotionally ballin.

At 8:12 PM, Anonymous jon said...

This has to be the funniest thing ever written about Jim Jones, which, when you think about it, is pretty impressive.

At 10:28 PM, Anonymous fresh said...

The only good thing I can say about Hustler's P.O.M.E. is that it introduced me to Rasputin's Stash.

At 11:39 PM, Blogger Douglas Reinhardt said...

Perhaps the best bit of writing in a very, very, very long time.


At 9:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a vision:
Jim Jones
Chris Farley
Burt Reynolds
Charles Bukowski
one movie

Beverly Hills Cannon-BallinĀ“ Barfly Hood Ninja

A Challenge?
but worth it AND we could cast Dog the Bounty Hunter to give Jim Jones some Dogisms

At 11:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

in :
More than 5000 Love Poems in a very user friendly interface with little ads

At 12:27 PM, Blogger Commish CH said...

Brah, that's some funny sh*t. Although I applaud the return of NYC hiphop, the incessant "baalllllin" from JJ is becoming unbearable. And he looks like Sean Paul and Ice-T's love child.

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At 3:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious, and I'm a Dipset fan. Seriously you killed it

At 2:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you have ever actually listened to some of Jim Jones' songs, you wouldn't think he is that bad. And seriously dude, to write all that, you really have too much time on your hands.

At 2:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this was really corny... you sound like an out of touch suburbanite trying to comment on real hood life... you dont even have the lyrics right...jones dont do yay ...and he said the DEA got him trippin not 'yay' got him trippin....and cam'ron says "we like the pistons/ bulls ..back to back champs" not pistons what are you hearing when you listen?

nice try. i dont even wanna point out the rest of your corny shortcomings. you seem really jealous and...hell, just str8 corny.


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