My Top Five Halloween Costume Predictions
It's Halloween. A time for candy corn, jack-o-lanterns and Halloween parties filled with completely predictable costumes. Sure, costumes may change with the times, but each year you can count on two things 1) Hundreds of Thousands of girls will spend hours thinking of ways to "slutty" up their costumes and 2) guys will pick a costume based solely on what's popular at the moment: movies, politics, celebrities. You name it. With that in mind, as I prepare to go out for Halloween tonight (because I didn't go out Saturday like the rest of America apparently did) these are the five costume variations that I know I will see.
5. Borat (the token comic blockbuster of the moment costume)
The irony of dressing up as Borat is that since the movie hasn't yet been released people can and will look cool wearing a Borat costume. But if the same people wore it next year, they'd look like complete retards. Just like Napoleon Dynamite and Austin Powers before it, this costume will be the token Hollywood comedy costume of the year. I pity the Junior High School teachers of America. After this movie is a hit, every 7th grader in America will be speaking in fractured Kazakh and making blatantly anti-semitic remarks. Following this Halloween, people hopefully won't wear this costume for at least a decade, at which point it will be ironic. Then again, judging from the recent news, I can also predict their costume for next year: Bruno.
4. Kim Jong Il (The Token Menacing Foreign Dictator of the Moment Costume)
I can't deny that I'll get a good laugh out of this year's token menacing foreign dictator costume poster boy, Kim Jong Il. From what I hear, Sadamn is out this year and Kim Jong Il is infinitely more fashionable, what with his puffy pompadour and easy to find split pea colored body suits (Banana Republic?). With Fidel Castro ailing in Cuba, Khadafi peacefully applying more makeup somewhere in the Sahara, and Hugo Chavez not registering enough costume recognition potential (c.r.p. for those in the know), the Kim Jong Il costume will be the bomb this year. Okay, poor choice of language. Hopefully, this costume will be passe next year. (doubtful), but by than we'll probably have a bigger problem on our hands: the Mahmoud Admadinejad costume.
3. Jem from Jem and the Holograms: (The token misguided Female Attempt At Being Ironic Costume)
Do you see the picture of Jem above? Well,it looks like approximately 43 percent of the girls that populate your average Hollywood club. Therefore, its damned near impossible to tell which girls are trying to be Jem and which girls are just trying to dress like hookers.
Indeed over the past five years, I've met a half of dozen girls who claimed they were Jem. But in spite of their efforts to be ironic by dressing up in a dated childhood costume, they just look like extras from a porn flick that just stopped shooting in Chatsworth. Pity the poor girls who try to be ironic. Guys are blessed with ample ironic options: Magnum PI, Three's Company, Miami Vice et al. But girls have few. So for the near future expect to see a whole lot of Jems, Strawberry Shortcakes and Rainbow Brites. This trend could last indefinitely, at least until the next generation comes of age and starts ironically dressing as Bratz dolls.
2. Dr. McDreamy (the Token TV Doctor of the Moment Costume)
I just know that I'm going to run into some jackass tonight who I'll struggle not to call Dr. McDouchy. Some guy who thinks he's exceedingly clever because he's slicked his hair full of mousse, put on a stethoscope, a smug grin and a name tag that says Dr. McDreamy. Real clever. These are the same guys who recycle the same Dr. outfit every year, changing the name of the TV doctor du jour each Halloween. You know the type, the guys who were J.D. from Scrubs and before that Clooney's Doug Ross character from ER.The type of guys who you just know were Doogie Howser as a kid. C'mon guys, we all know that you're only doing this because you've heard that women find doctors attractive. The jigs up.
1. Mark Foley (the token American Political Scandal of the Moment Costume)
Thank God we live in America, if nothing else but for how easy is to dress up each Halloween as the American Political Scandal Du Jour Costume. Yes, every year there's another scandal that revelas the festering corruption of Washington DC, and in the process provides the American people with an array of great Halloween costume ideas.
Whether you want to be disgraced Democratic Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson (complete with a sack full of $100,000 in $100 bills) or disgraced Republican leader Tom Delay (complete with your very own certificate of conspiracy in fund raising), there are costumes for every political stripe. But even if there isn't any bi-partisanship in Congress, at least everyone can agree on this year's Political Scandal of the Moment Halloween Costume: The Mark Foley.
But be forewarned, people wishing to maximimize on Mark Foley's CRP (lol), the costume won't be complete without your very own congressional page. Don't get lazy like you've been in past years. You know the time when you dressed up as Dick Cheney but forgot to bring the duck-hunting rifle, or the time when you were Bill Clinton but forgot the cigar, or even when you were Clarence Thomas and forgot to bring in a coke can filled with pubic hair. Details count. So get going America. Halloween is mere hours away. Find yourself a page to seduce, I mean to bring to tonight's Halloween party. Hurry up, log onto your Instant Messenger account. All the cool kids are doing it. That's all for this year. Until next time, Brb.
Download (In Honor of Halloween)
Bunny and the Wolf Sisters: "Big Bad Wolf" (from the Teen Wolf Soundtrack:(left-click)
RJD2: "The Horror" from Deadringer (left-click)