The 5 Words White People Need to Stop Using
Last summer I was supposed to go on a free trip to Israel, one sponsored by an organization called Birthright Israel. To make a long story short, I didn't end up going but somehow got placed on an e-mail list serv of the people who ended up in Israel. Consequently, over the last week I've been bombarded by a series of reunion e-mails from the Birthright People. Each e-mail has been addressed "Israel Peeps."
Without going off on a 1,000 word diatribe about what's wrong the phrase "Israel Peeps," the e-mails struck me more in that they demonstated exactly how much hip-hop slang has infiltrated white-bread American culture, to the point of where a bunch of 20-something kids who think "the hood" is the part of town that doesn't keep kosher, feel comfortable using the word "peeps" without batting an eyelash.
Sadly, people don't recognize the inalterable fact that using hip-hop slang while thinking hip-hop music consists of L'il Jon and 50 Cent makes them sound fucking retarded. So in an attempt to help all of us melanin challenged individuals, I've compiled a list of the 5 words that White People Need to Stop Using.
Sorry white people, chances are you don't have any "peeps." You may have friends, acquaintances, chums, associates, colleagues, whatever...and no, you don't have any "homies" either but that's a different story for a different time. Using the phrase "peeps" just makes you sound like a moron. Unless of course you're discussing the delightful marshmallow Easter treats named "peeps." In which case, go for it and "peep game."
Trust me, no one will be impressed by your coolness just by your usage of the word "peeps." At least, I hope not. And for future reference, in the off-hand chance that you need to use the word "peeps," don't use it in conjunction with the phrase "Israel peeps." There's nothing less hip-hop than a guy in a yarmulke, eating some sort of hummus and pita dish, using the phrase "my Israel peeps." Oh wait, they have a name for a person who does that: Matisyahu.
The poster's right: be afraid, be very afraid of crackers that use the word "fly." Sure, you can use the word "fly" when you're talking aviation or Jeff Goldblum flicks, but certainly not as a synonym for well-dressed. I'm sure, there are certain white people that dress well enough to merit the usage of the word "fly" in describing their sartorial flare. But I haven't met any yet. Andre 3000 is "fly," Big Daddy Kane is "fly," Jimi Hendrix was "fly" before the word was invented. Chances are that you John Williams from Topeka, Kansas are not fly.
Here are some alternatives that white people should use: "well put together," "looking good." Hell, I'd even stand for "looking fresh," but the odds of you "looking fly" are pretty slim. You're also unlikely to be "freshly dipped," too, but I can let it slide provided the phrase is said with enough sarcasm.
Honkies, Listen to the words of the sign and surrender all usage of the word "booty." There's nothing more ungainly than trying to watch a white person mouth the word "booty" and think that they're cool for doing so. Sorry dudes, you aren't hip. Booty was being used way back in the day when Jamie Foxx was funny (I know it seems like decades ago), so stop saying it now, especially when there are so many great adjectives to discuss a female's backside. Just because you've heard a lot of 2 Live Crew doesn't give you the right to use the word "booty."
And ladies, I'm not sure if there's anything more obnoxious than hearing white girls complain about how how they don't have a "booty." Uh yeah...it's probably because you're white and last time I checked most white girls don't have ass (note how I didn't use the word "booty? Take note.) I don't care even if your body is so booty-licious. Unless your name is Beyonce Knowles, don't tell me how you do or don't have a nice booty. Think of something else. Be creative. Just don't use the word tucus either. That sounds even dumber.
Remember back in 1999 when you heard that song "Bling Bling" by B.G. and told all your friends that the silver necklace you were wearing was your "bling." Remember how they laughed because you were so up-to-date on hip-hop slang. Well, I hope for your sake that you don't remember. But if you did ever use the phrase "bling," chances are you sounded retarded even then. But now it's the year 2006 and bling is officially in the dictionary. If you're still using it to describe your two-bit piece of jewelry, than you have officially jumped the shark as a human being.
Here is a list of white people that are allowed to use the phrase "bling:" Paul Wall. If your name isn't Paul Wall than shut the fuck up and use the word "jewelry." Yes, this includes you Bubba Sparxx. And quite frankly, you shouldn't be allowed to use the word "booty" either, after that abortion of a song entitled "Ms. New Booty."
Li'l Jon is a lot of things: talentless, semi-retarded, obnoxious, and pint-sized. Yet one thing that he undeniably is is crunk. You my friend are not. Why you ask? Because you don't wear a grill. You don't live in Atlanta and you don't hit up 14 strip clubs a week. That's crunk. Just because you drink the energy drink (or write for an online hipster music magazine) doesn't mean you are crunk. It means you're a poser. Buy a clue.
I know it's really funny that you and all of your friends own all the seasons of Chappelle's Show (even the lost episodes!!) but it doesn't give you the right to start screaming about getting crunk when you've downed four Miller High Life's. The truth is, it's been scientifically proven that it's impossible to get crunk when you're an I-banker. Nice try though.
Well, that's all for now folks. But if in six months, I hear some frat boys at the local bar high-fiving after taking shots of jaeger, and screaming the phrase "let's get hyphy," you better believe there will be another list. Until then, stay fly. Or better yet. Don't.