The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Monday, October 09, 2006

The 15 Most Obnoxious People In Music Part III (The Return of the Howie Mandel)

As you might be able to tell from reading this blog, I like music. However, one of the biggest problems inherent in being a music junkie is that, in trying to discover new bands you like, you often come across bands that you don't. I suppose I could ignore them, but sometimes it's hard when these grating musical figures stare at you from magazine covers, television screens and various blogs. Besides, it's fun to make fun of musicians when they're lame. With that in mind, I present the First-Ever Passion of the Weiss List of the 15 Most Obnoxious People in Music, in honor of Howie Mandel. Because let's face it, nothing says obnoxious like Howie Mandel. Except for that Micro Machines guy. He was pretty fucking annoying too.

5. Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas
Billy Madison was wrong. Peeing in your pants is not cool. And Fergie is definitely not Miles Davis. In fact, Fergie is a talentless pants-pissing Fraggle. Watching the video for "London Bridge" is like looking at a gay man in drag trying to imitate Gwen Stefani. The truth is that every Black Eyed Pea should have their own spot on this list, but I'm pressed for space and
Fergie is the most wildly obnoxious of the bunch. Before Fergie, the Peas were mediocre "conscious" hip-hoppers from LA who every know and then dropped a really good single. After Fergie, they're a sign of the apocalypse, the Color Me Badd of the Myspace generation.

If I had a Delorean, I wouldn't buy Grey's Sports Almanac and become a world-wide gambling phenomenon complete with a Pleasure Palace. No, if I had a Delorean, I'd travel back to 1990 and bring forth the ruin of the Disney Channel. Sure, there wouldn't have been Ducktales , but by shutting down Disney, I'd also get to thwart Kids Incorporated and The Mickey Mouse Club from perpetrating their various evils. In the process, I'd be aborting the careers of Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears and Fergie. The psychic ramifications of this move would create an alternate 2006, one where everyone lived in peace and harmony. 9/11 wouldn't have occurred. And Fergie would be just another woman you'd walk past, uncertain of whether or not she was a trannie.

4. Pharell
There's a scene in Zoolander where Mugatu played by Will Ferrell flips out at the fact that nobody but him can realize the obvious fact that Zoolander's Blue Steel, Magnum and Le Tigre poses are all the same look. This is how I feel about Pharrell. The guy's been making the same beat for the last decade and nobody seems to realize it. I feel like I'm taking crazy

Yet in some sort of inverted Kafka-esque logic, as Pharell has only gotten lamer, his celebrity has expoentially increased, to the point where you can't turn around without seeing his smug and arrogant leer. Without looking at production credits on Jay-Z albums, I always know which songs Pharrell produced because they all suck ("I Just Want To Luv U"excempt). And don't even get me started on "Wamp Wamp," I'd pay money for him to fucking "stop stop" producing and singing on every piss-poor song on the radio. Hasn't anybody informed him that that reedy falsetto he uses on EVERY song is the same one that every man does when they're trying to imitate a woman's singing voice.

Yeah, he's a NERD. I get it. Now can someone please throw him in a locker?

3. Brandon Flowers, lead singer of The Killers
Somebody Told Me....That You Wrote a song that ripped off Blur's "Boys and Girls" and somehow no one pointed it out. And sure, that song might've been catchy, as were several other singles off Hot Fuss, but rarely has rock music had so little substance and style, as every move, every note and every cheesy synth riff seemed ripped right from the New Wave playbook. But "You're Mr. Brightside." Isn't that sweet. And deep. I hope that optimism comes in handy when Sam's Town turns out to be biggest flop since Pinkerton. Except for one crucial difference: Pinkerton was a great album. Sam's Town sounds like what would happen if the guys from Dude Where's My Car? tried to write a Bruce Springsteen album.

The most hilarious thing about Brandon Flowers might be how fantastically and transparently insecure he is. How else to explain his need to mercilessly attack bands like Fall Out Boy, Panic at the Disco! and The Bravery. God forbid, his poppy synth crap rock gets lumped in with them (which it should). It shows a lot about Flowers when he decides to go after those sad sacks. Was the Gimp from Pulp Fiction unavailable for insult?

In truth, if Brandon Flowers shut his mouth and just went about making bad pop rock albums I wouldn't have a problem with him. But it's this pathetic need for self-validation that drives him to constantly make statements like "with Sam's Town, we've recorded the best album of the last 20 years." Keep in mind, this is an album with a song called "Bling (Confessions of a King) and another one called "This River is Wild." Well, here's hoping, you guys get caught up in that wild river and never record another album. That would be awesome.

2. Madonna

Question: What's wrong with this picture?
Answer: Everything.

Can someone please put some clothes on this woman. She's 47 years old, a mother of two children and looks like a graduate of the Fergie School of Sex-Changes. At this point in her career, Madonna's like that aging woman you'll see in the corner of the bar, trying to make eye contact with every man that crosses her path, desperate for attention from anything that moves. This is very different from the earlier part of her career when Madonna was the slutty chick at the bar, who'll show you her tits for a bottle of Miller High Life. Either way, she sucks. And always has.

Yet somehow Madonna has fooled the world into thinking that she's some sort of deep image mastermind, conscious of her decisions to switch up her styles to keep the people guessing. This would make sense if Madonna had a true identity. But she doesn't. I'm sure in junior high, she had a different "look" each year. It wasn't because she was any sort of great mind. It was because she was desperate for an identity. It's nice to know she hasn't changed.

From her fake English accent, to her Kaballah prostylizing, to her oh-so-poignant anti-war screeds, everything about Madonna is a not-so-clever facade, masking the fact that the emperor has no clothes. She can't sing. She's never written a song with even a modicum of intelligence. And she doesn't produce. In short, she's the perfect star of the 80s. The substanceless icon of a substancelss decade. Because nothing lacks substance like Madonna. Then again, you may think differently if you've read the Sex book. I'm sure she had to be on a lot of substances to sleep with Vanilla Ice and then take nude photos of him.

1. Kanye West

Kanye West is the Paul Haggis of rap. He can't rap. He doesn't write a lot of his lyrics (ask Rhymefest if you think Kanye wrote "Jesus Walks") and he's not a very bright guy. I'm not sure why everyone regards Kanye as some sort of conscious rapper. Is it because only 80 percent of his songs are about shallow materialism?

Think Kanye's different from the rest of mainstream hip-hop. Then check out his recent collaborations with Rhymefest"I Only Want it If It's Brand New," (and no, that title isn't a joke), or his collabo with Pharell "I'm #1." Is it because he makes "conscious" statements like AIDS is a government conspiracy against black people? Or is it because he makes such incredibly insightful proclamations that George Bush doesn't care about black people (which is why he nominated two black Sec. of State's).

Meanwhile, the beat-making that everyone lauds Kanye for is basically a watered-down version of the Rza's sound, all strings (that Jon Brion arranged) and chipmunk soul samples. Even Kanye's greatest beats are all straight up samples with a drum beat added to them (think "The Takeover"). And then on top of these beats, you have to hear Kanye's flow which can be charitably described as stranded somewhere between Mase and Puff Daddy in terms of its mushy mouthed monotone.

But the real reason to hate Kanye West isn't for the fact that he's wildly overrated, nor is it because he's arguably the most materialistic and shallow person working in hip-hop today, it's the fact that he's just a flat-out bad person. Don't believe me? Than think about these comments Kanye made about the girl who he lost his virginity to at 17

"She had great tits even by my standards today. She had a bit of a gut though. I wouldn't fuck with that shit now."

Or how about how West insists that the girls he falls for these days "are porn model types, and he likes to test them on first dates by putting his favorite X-rated films on TV when they walk through the door. "

Class act. And definitely obnoxious. In fact, if there's anyone as obnoxious as Howie Mandel, it would be Kanye West, making him the recipient of the first ever Howie Mandel Most Obnoxious Person in Music Award. Tune in next year to see if Pink, Nelly Furtado, Rick Ross, Bow Wow, or others can crack this elite list. Until then, keep hate alive.


At 11:10 AM, Blogger noixe said...

Jeff Weiss doesn't care about black people.

At 12:10 PM, Blogger CrimeNotes said...

Jeff Weiss doesn't care about untalented people.

Awesome awesome bile.

At 2:29 PM, Blogger Douglas Reinhardt said...

I am a bit surprised that Ricky Ross didn't make the list this year.

At 4:07 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Proving once again how astute you are Doug as he was the last man cut...he just entertained me a bit too much this year with Chevy Ridin album #2 though I think he's got a good shot for top 5.

At 4:19 PM, Blogger Nate said...

At least Mandel gave us Bobby's World...

You know how I feel about Madonna. She's so freakin pretentious for a slutty girl from Detroit. That whole coming to coachella and performing in the dance tent to seem indie was the last straw. YOU'RE NOT INDIE!!! And people (however dumb they might be) actually paid money to see her perform at coachella, got ripped because she wanted to seem indie. And I think she only did like a 4 or 5 song set.

And seeing her in that outfit she has on in your photo makes me think of Lady Eloise from Boomerang. Girl is just way past her prime.

At 4:57 PM, Blogger Douglas Reinhardt said...

"Chevy Ridin' High" was all Cool & Dre any ways.

I don't think it's fair to compare Kanye to the RZA even if Kanye may be making water down versions of what RZA built the Wu Tang name around. Kanye or at least to my ears is doing a poppier version of what Alchemist and Evidence of Dilated Peoples were/are doing. You're giving Kanye too much credit by comparing him to the RZA. I can understand the comparsion between Just Blaze and the RZA, but Kayne, I dunno.

At 5:11 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

In interviews he's said that he basically jacked Rza's chipmunk soul samples and admitted it without a trace of shame...I'm thinking more Iron Flag and the W era Rza more than the gritty earlier stuff....which is obviously much better...but yeah that Alchemist production does bear some resemblance to Kanye for sure...though I gotta say Kanye never made a beat as dope as "Keep It Thoro" or "Home Sweet Home."

At 6:57 PM, Anonymous josh said...

"Kanye West is the Paul Haggis of rap."

thank you. i needed that.

At 12:06 AM, Blogger David said...

What, no Mr. Lif? You obviously haven't seen the video for his latest single, "Brothaz."

At 2:24 PM, Anonymous Miss S. said...

After the show last night I think you need to add Sufjan to the list of most annoying musicians ever. Come on dude, you're not a bird, your band is not a troupe of butterflies. Your music is great, but you really failed on the whimsical act... because you're just lame and corny. Pull your head out of the magical forest and put on a show dammit!

At 2:27 PM, Blogger Nate said...

I agree with Miss S...Although I love Sufjan's music, he was a bit Corny. He had the spooky Michael Jackson "We can live in Neverland Forever" thing going. Plus he talked like Kip Dynamite. But then again, his music was amazing, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

At 2:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pure fire.
I can't wait to see the Killers Billboard numbers.

At 6:24 PM, Anonymous silawe said...

I like and can agree with this entire list but you can't put that loser from Coldplay on and leave off Thom Yorke. C'mon he is like the biggest cry-baby student rocker ever.

At 1:08 PM, Blogger Commish CH said...

I would add one of these "rappers" from the south. Yung Joc, Young Dro, Lil Jon, whoever. If making a song with a overhyped Casio beat and repeating the chorus through 75% of the song is where we're headed...then Im locking myself in a basement.

At 12:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I LOVES me some Howie Mandel! That man is sexalicious!

At 5:07 PM, Blogger Wayne said...

Madonna has been a total fraud her entire career, and people keep saying she keeps "reinventing" herself, whatever that means, more like she lacks any substance what soever.

At 9:51 AM, Anonymous Grant said...

Tho I hate nearly everyone on this list, and as a LIST it is good, but pretty poorly executed.
And w/r/t the comments, Sufjan should've been on this list, and his music is not great. It's terrible.
So youz guys could do worse than pulling your own heads out of the "magical forest/Neverland" and realizing that Stylus/Pfork is and always has been for people 22 and under, and if you honestly think Surfin's music is "amazing," you really must not go anywhere else to find music.

At 4:14 AM, Anonymous DudeAsInCool said...

Without Madonna, there would be no Lindsay Lohan...

At 10:55 PM, Anonymous HBCBH said...

Want to know a random fact?

You are in my list of "15 Most Obnoxious People Who Hate Obnoxious People In The World Part XX"

It's not you. It's me, I swear.

Madonna? Brandon? Fergie? Come on dude. No, no. Now you're killing me.

At 10:51 PM, Anonymous Ian C. said...

just wanted to mention that kanye totally ripped off Slug(of atmosphere)'s rap group Dynospectrum(Musab, I Self Devine, Slug & Mr Gene Pool).

they released the first CD self titled(Dynospectrum) in 1999.

this cd included a track called 'Anything is Everything' if you listen to the song you will notice that is is the EXACT same beat from "Kanye West's" song titled 'Drive Slow' ft Paul Wall from his Album Late Registration.

at no point does he even credit them or anyone else for the beat.

im a huge Atmosphere/Slug fan and was very dissapointed to notice this.

even more dissapointing is no one else has really noticed or even said anything.


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