The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Friday, October 06, 2006

The 15 Most Obnoxious People In Music Part II (The Empire Strikes Howie Mandel)

As you might be able to tell from reading this blog, I like music. However, one of the biggest problems inherent in being a music junkie is that, in trying to discover new bands you like, you often come across bands that you don't. I suppose I could ignore them, but sometimes it's hard when these grating musical figures stare at you from magazine covers, television screens and various blogs. Besides, it's fun to make fun of musicians when they're lame. With that in mind, I present the First-Ever Passion of the Weiss List of the 15 Most Obnoxious People in Music, in honor of Howie Mandel. Because let's face it, nothing says obnoxious like Howie Mandel. Except for that Micro Machines guy. He was pretty fucking annoying too.

Part II

10. Fall Out Boy/My Chemical Romance/Panic at the Disco! (tie) Fall Out Boy should be ashamed of themselves for appropriating their name from the Simpsons. Those two things shouldn't be mentioned in the same breath other than to casually remark that Fall Out Boy are the end result of what would happen if Ralph Wiggum, Martin Prince and Milhouse Van Houten decided to form a band. They're like Green Day for retards. Never before, has a group of dudes so heavily tatted up, looked so spectacularly non-threatening.

I can't wait until their fan base grows up and they end up on The Surreal Life with Joey Fatone and Lance Bass. It's going to be awesome. Hope you boys are saving all that money you've earned. Or in five years your life really will be fueled by ramen.

It was once said that My Chemical Romance are the Nirvana of this generation. If that's the case, then please discharge a loaded handgun into my skull.

I'm not sure what's up with this band's ridiculous makeup 0r the lead singer's bulletproof vest. They look like a gang of deranged and fiercely untalented escapees from a Jersey insane asylum, determined to create the world's worst rock band. I suppose their inane get-ups are a good idea. At least, they distract from the music. My Chemical Romance's last album sounded like the soundtrack to a school shooting.

Earth to My Chemical Romance: your music might be cathartic for you, but it isn't for everybody else. Seek therapy instead.

Who the fuck are you guys and why have I heard your name so much? Was this photo taken on your way to the senior prom? I know you guys aren't all that old, neither am I. However, I do have one crucial bit of advice for you: you're better off hanging out with Republican Congressmen from Florida than hanging out with Fall Out Boy all the time.

9.Bono, Lead Singer of U2Oh what's that you're saying. That's a picture of Ghandi and not Bono, the lead singer of U2, the world's most overrated rock band. Well, I'm aware of this fact, as are most sane-minded individuals. Basically, everybody except Bono himself.

I admire Bono for his activism. It's a noble thing. What I don't admire is having to look at those stupid sunglasses and that archaic and greasy jheri curl. I suppose I should look on the bright side. Now that there's peace in Northern Ireland, we don't have to hear any of Bono's gibberish about the IRA. What happened to the good old days when Ireland used to produce people like Seamus Heaney, James Joyce and WB Yeats. Now all we get is U2, Sinead O' Connor and the fucking Cranberries. Sucks to be us.

8. Bright Eyes

Some people have chosen to call Conor Oberst the Bob Dylan of our generation. Some people also choose to smoke crack. If anything, Bright Eyes is the Fall Out Boy of the indie world. Right down to his stupid emo haircut. In fact, I'll take a Fall Out Boy record over this clown anyday. At least Fall Out Boy doesn't pretend to deep and meaningful. Bright Eyes is about as deep and meaningful as a poorly written episode of Mr. Belvedere.

Listening to this guy's castrated caterwaul is like listening to a 4th grader beg his parents if he can stay up late watching television: a whole lot of hissing, a lot of whining and it's utterly pointless. And don't get me started on his protest song, "When the President Talks to God." I've read more poignant and nuanced Christmas Lists.

7. 50 Cent

I have some theories. My first is that sometime in the winter of 2002, 50 Cent stumbled onto Eminem engaging in a sex orgy with a 8 underage boys, several tubes of toothpaste and four buckets of ice. Always enterprising, 50 Cent snapped pictures of Slim Shady and used them as blackmail to launch his then-stalled rap career. This is the only way I can explain his stunning rise to fame, despite the fact that he raps like a punch drunk prize fighter, suffering from severe dimensia. Who taught 50 to rap? Rocky Balboa.

50 Cent never met a rapper whose career he couldn't fuck up. Remember when Eminem was really cool and people actually cared about him as an artist. Okay, neither can I. But according to ancient scrolls I've read, Eminem used to be pretty good until 50 Cent got into his head and told him to "keep it gangsta." Enter Encore. Then there was Mobb Deep who produced the worst album of their career under 50's tutelage. And don't get me started on G-Unit. Never did I ever think that Mase's Harlem World would lose the title of lamest rap crew of all time. Everything 50 touches turns to suck.

6. John Mayer

This is the only way John Mayer should appear in public: gagged, so that we can't hear any of the treacly saccarine music that pours out of his caveman shaped jaw. John Mayer is a musician of the worst kind. A Justin Timberlake who sold out from the get-go, then tried to make a backwards play for legitimacy. Nice try, dude. But "Your Body is a Wonderland"pretty much disqualifies you from ever having a shred of crediblity. Mayer makes Chris Martin look like Leonard Cohen.

You know a musician sucks when they're 25 years old and getting played on the local adult alternative station next to Jon Secada, Ricky Martin and Sheryl Crow. Not only is Mayer down with the idea of playing played next to the aforementioned no-talents, he went on tour with Crow. Nice way to bolster your street cred, Mayer. Maybe next year, you can tour with Melissa Etheridge.

The Final 5 Coming Monday


At 11:49 AM, Blogger Douglas Reinhardt said...

John Mayer may make some of the worst music around these days, but at least Mayer has a good sense of humor. He knows that he sucks.

At 12:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like John Mayer because he hangs out with ?uestlove, Dave Chappelle, Common and Kanye West ...and black people still couldn't give a damn about him.

50 won't even be on this list in 6 months--all of his G-Unit shit is bricking and honestly, we the record buying (stealing) public don't need to hear anymore "singing" from a "street thug" with a greasy bare chest who isn't "gay" but wears chincillas and cut off shirts with flowing silk ties for GQ magazine.

At 1:07 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Let us all pray that you're right and we don't have to hear from 50 anymore. I would throw a party to celebrate..Mayer is funny but that's the whole problem with him. He's someone un-cool and un-talented trying to pretend to be all hip and cool and down with the joke. But if he really was down with the joke (or wasn't cynical and calculating), he'd prolly be capable of writing songs that didn't suck.

At 2:02 PM, Blogger noixe said...

leave g-unit out of this. Young Buck will fucking kill you.

At 2:45 PM, Blogger Duke said...

nice. i can't argue with any of it and i got a good laugh out of it.

At 3:59 PM, Blogger David said...

Since the words "treacly" and "saccharine" are synonymous, it's redundant to use them in succession when describing John Mayer's music. How about "flaming?" or "retarded?" or even "assclownish?"

At 2:40 AM, Blogger Scott said...

oh my god this list gets better with every entry. Weiss, you are on to something big here brother.

At 4:23 PM, Anonymous Matt from lands afar said...

A very amusing post indeed Mr. Weiss. I think the selection at #9 is the most vindicating part. This is something that has been plaguing me forever! And I refused to believe that they were any good (although some of there early 80´s stuff was decent) I´ve tried countless times to "try to like them" and nothing. No Give. They´re just not very good and I want to scream out that the wool is being pulled over everyone´s eyes yet they keep popping up on every magazine cover and award show and music video and I think something must be wrong with me, with my taste in music, and then, then this post..

At 4:27 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

It's true.Sunday Bloody Sunday was a good song and all that, but the next time somebody tells me that One is a brillaint song, I may jump off a cliff. Sorry, I liked it much better the first time I heard it when it was called "Imagine." And I didn't even like it all that much then. I'll never forget how hard I laughed when I saw the cover of Entertainment Weekly and it posed the question: Coldplay are they the next U2. It took me a few seconds to realize that was supposed to be a compliment.

At 4:05 PM, Blogger Icecold said...

I feel you! Is it me or does howie have a big head! lol

At 4:54 PM, Blogger Wayne said...

If you U2 never make another record the world would be a better place, they are just lame, however i do like Bright Eyes, i think Conor writes great songs.

At 9:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

FUCK YOU. Bright Eyes writes better music than anyone ever has.

At 7:41 PM, Blogger J said...

anonymous above, you are an asshole in a gangbang rape if you think Bright Eyes is good, let alone the best ever to create what he likes to think are songs.

Weiss, good list so far. Don't disappoint me now on the next one... ;)


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