The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

The 15 Most Obnoxious People In Music Part I (In Honor of Howie Mandel)


As you might be able to tell from reading this blog, I like music. However, one of the biggest problems inherent in being a music junkie is that, in trying to discover new bands you like, you often come across bands that you don't. I suppose I could ignore them, but sometimes it's hard when these grating musical figures stare at you from magazine covers, television screens and various blogs. Besides, it's fun to make fun of musicians when they're lame. With that in mind, I present the First-Ever Passion of the Weiss List of the 15 Most Obnoxious People in Music, in honor of Howie Mandel. Because let's face it, nothing says obnoxious like Howie Mandel. Except for that Micro Machines guy. He was pretty fucking annoying too.

#15: Jared Leto

Seriously, I don't even think this guy's mom thinks he should be a musician. In fact, the only people who think Jared Leto should be a musician are 13 year-old girls who own the My So-Called Life DVD. Honestly, I think I'd rather see a Brian Krakow concert than have to go see Jared Leto's abominable band 30 Seconds to Mars. At least Krakow's probably halfway literate.

What the fuck does 30 Seconds to Mars mean anyway? Is that the time in which it takes Leto to write inane songs like "Capricorn a Brand New Name" or "Buddha for Mary" Whoah, broah, "Buddha for Mary," I bet that's like totally about weed. That's like so so deep.

I'm not sure what led Jared Leto to think that music was a viable possibility. Was acting so bad for him? I know Alexander sucked but still, just because your career is foundering it doesn't mean that you have to take it out on us with your crappy emo music.

And yet somehow, Jared Leto, emperor of gout, has the nerve to make comments like "I think that blogging should die a sudden death. It's just ridiculous. It's like a playground for four-year-olds. People say and do things in the world of blogs that they would never do in real life, and I think it's a false experience."

Uh...newsflash jack-ass, you're an actor, your whole life is one long false experience.


#14: Richard Reed Parry-Tambourine Player for the Arcade FireLook dude, I love your band, I really do. And I'm sure you're a really nice guy and a talented musician, but please for the love of God, take a look at yourself in this picture. If I wanted to see Napoleon Dynamite rock out, I'd just go to the movies, I wouldn't pay $40 to see your band in concert.

The thing is, the first time I saw the Arcade Fire it was at Coachella, and Richard Reed Parry went nuts on-stage. Beating pots and pans with a drum-stick, hitting himself in the head and chasing another member of the band around stage. I thought it was pretty cool and that it must've been because the band was just amped up to be playing their first major rock festival. Then I saw them again and he did the same exact thing. And from what I've been told Parry pulls the same schtick every single time they perform. Even on Letterman.

Honestly, it reeks of gimmickry, plus it makes Win Butler look incredibly stupid to be standing motionless playing the guitar while his goddamned tambourine player is carrying on like he's just snorted seven lines of angel dust and now he's ready to shake it like a polaroid picture. Consider yourself lucky to be in one of the best bands of your generation and all you have to do is play the tambourine. Most of the time that role only goes to the chick that someone in the band is sleeping with. Count your blessings.


#13: Chris Martin, Lead Singer of ColdplaySorry to burst your fucking bubble Chris, but life isn't fair, and if life isn't fair, than trade probably always won't be. If life actually were fair, you'd be cutting Thom Yorke royalty checks for every album sold, for completely jacking Radiohead's style, siphoning it of all talent and originality and re-packaging as lifestyle music for the lobotomized. Honestly, I'd rather listen to a Yanni record than have to hear your sterile yodel. You're lucky that the guys behind you can play, because if you didn't have the rest of Coldplay, you'd probably be begging for spare change to buy your cup of fair trade organically grown coffee.

It's not even the fact that every one of your songs sounds the same that bothers me, as much as it's the fact that you make Bright Eyes seem like a paragon of masculinity (okay, perhaps that's a stretch). Stop whining. You're married to Gwyneth Paltrow. She bore you two healthy albeit idiotically named children. You're rich and famous and god knows you don't deserve it. You don't have the right to bitch anymore. Find something else to say. Or don't. The only good decision you've ever made was your decision to take a long break from Coldplay. Here's wishing you success in that venture. Because the next time, I go into a Starbucks and have to hear "Clocks" I might just punch a barrista in the face.

#12: The artist formerly known as Puffy
Damn right, you're the American Dream. If the definition of the American Dream is leveraging one's fantastic lack of talent into a career spent doing...wait, what exactly is it that Puffy does? Oh yes, he exploits people.

And to be quite honest with you, I'll give it up for Puffy in that he's a genius at taking advantage of people less savvy than he is. Intelligence is not something that Puffy lacks. No...talent, humility, dignity and class are things that he lacks. Yet somehow, he's managed to turn this incredible deficiency of skills into a stunning string of success in the fashion, music and television world. Chalk that one up to the American people's keen ability to cut through the bullshit.

But I digress, Puffy is probably responsible for the sorry state of rap music today. It was he who introduced all this big Willie shit, with flashy videos, and name-dropping jewelry and name-brand clothes and cars. And for that, he deserves to be on any list of most obnoxious people in music. And this isn't even taking into account the ridiculous fact that he actually titled an album We Invented the Remix. Uh...last time I checked, you didn't actually invent the remix. But if you replaced the word "remix" with the word "sucking" than that title would be accurate.

As for his new album, Press Play, all I have to say is that that album is the most blatant false advertising since Otto walked into Stoner's Pot Palace.

#11: Dave Matthews

I presume the article, "The Devil and Dave Matthews" examines a pact that Matthews made 20 years ago with the devil, guaranteeing him ever-lasting fame despite his being the most boring musician in the history of time. Granted, the Onion got Dave Matthews better than I could ever hope to and nobody really likes Dave Matthews anymore (unless they subscribe to the Chris Martin school of lobotomy) but still, this is the man who sold millions of records and still sells out arenas nightly, despite being about as useless as an empty tube of toothpaste (no offense to empty tubes of toothpaste).

How lame is Dave Matthews? So lame that even Jimmy Fallon can get laughs mocking Dave Matthews. And Jimmy Fallon's never gotten laughs. Ever. Dave Matthews is Phish for the un-adventurous, proof positive that hippies have no taste in anything. And don't even get me started on Matthews' political activism. The guy makes Puffy "Vote or Die" Combs look like Bill Clinton.

Ultimately, all you need to know about Dave Matthews can be gleaned from that incident where he was caught dumping sewage in Chicago last year. Don't believe the mainstream media's report's, apparently what was dumped wasn't human waste, but instead copies of Dave Matthew's solo album Some Devil. Apparently, according the rules of the city of Chicago, the album technically counts as garbage. As well it should.

12 Comments:

At 9:33 AM, Anonymous Zilla Rock-Rock-On said...

Weiss:

You have to include 50 Cent, Bow Wow, John Legend or Joss Stone at some point. 50 is self explanatory, Bow Wow just feels himself a little too much for a guy named "Bow Wow," and John Legend and Joss Stone are now the token "safe young" artists that will play every Grammy Award and Sporting Event on National TV so old white people can say "Wow, they sound like ________ from the '60s but they're so YOUNG! I'm going to buy their CD the next time I'm at Starbucks or Borders."

 
At 4:35 PM, Blogger Reel Fanatic said...

I'm not sure what it is about Dave matthews that annoys me so much, but he would have to be right near the top of my list, Mr. Weiss .. I think it's just he's so smug and self-righteous that I want to just smack him every time he opens his mouth

 
At 5:19 PM, Anonymous Miss S. said...

Now that's the weiss I know! Nice piece! Only thing I see wrong with it is that Dave Matthews would have been way higher on my list...or lower or at the top or whatver, you know what I mean. Very curious to see who comes in after him...ah suspense...

 
At 6:17 PM, Blogger Ian said...

I'm assuming this doesn't include staff members on Stylus and Pitchfork. This list just isn't big enough.

 
At 12:10 AM, Blogger David said...

I have a couple music biz hoes to nominate: Pink and Nelly Furtado. The former was once celebrated for being "different" and "in your face" and "rebellious" blah blah; now she sings the NFL's hype song, being the ultimate corporate peon. The latter came onto the music scene as an "alternative" and "organiz" type of ho; now, her latest single is a vapid R and B cut called "Promiscuous," produced by Timbaland. A pox on the both of them.

 
At 1:44 AM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

it is safe to say that at the very least anyone anybody has mentioned in this thread will at the very least make honorable mention. The aforementioned names are indeed very fucking annoying.

 
At 11:45 AM, Blogger Nate said...

I agree with David regarding Furtado. I mean the girl came in as folk wanna be, and now she's a hip hop diva??? How the hell did that happen???

In regards to Dave Matthews. Yes the man is quite annoying, but you have to respect anyone that has toured every single summer for over ten years. At this point, he doesn't need to do it anymore, because he's got a butt load of money, so obviously the man loves to perform.

Whoever took R&B music from the brilliant art form it was through the early 80s to the overexaggerated singing over hip hop beats it is today needs to be placed on this list. Hip Hop not only ruined the rap art form, it definitely ruined R&B music. The classic R&B singers could actually sing, and didn't write these derivative sappy ass (baby I'm beggin) songs that play today. As well, the production actually consisted of (gasp) real bands not 2nd tier hip hop tracks. Listen to a Stevie Wonder album from the 70s and you'll know what I am talking about.

 
At 5:26 PM, Anonymous dan said...

i met this girl several weeks back who claimed that her favorite concert ever was dave matthews at the hollywood bowl. 4 weeks ago. So, yes, there are still people who think he is amazing. those people are very low in my book.

 
At 2:53 PM, Blogger Duke said...

i know a girl who used to get head from dave mathews but then ended up living with his sound guy. i'm not friends with this girl, i just thought i should share. granted coldplay sucks, but there's also keane, snow patrol (who were ok when they were inspired by sebadoh instead of coldplay), starsailor, etc.

 
At 4:11 PM, Blogger Fat Albert said...

glad to see matthews in this countdown

 
At 4:38 AM, Anonymous nic said...

you've got this all wrong, you're totally clueless about this whole post, at least think about the fucktards you've missed out before you start ragging on good musicians. Jared Leto was totally right about blogs, and its people like you who make him think that, get off the internet and get yourself some sunlight and exercise.

 
At 5:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

spot on! this is the funniest read ever.

 

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