The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Maybe They're Craaazzzzy....Probably

So I'm reading this week's LA City Beat magazine and I stumble across an ad that looked a tad peculiar. In a large bold font, it read:

"Children are the future but psychiatry is making sure 17 million won't have one."

I was intrigued. Who were the masterminds behind such a brilliant and thought-provoking advertisement? At first, I figured that it must be the Jews, but I soon thought better of it. Mainly because if the Jews were doing anti-psychiatric advertisements they'd probably be about how much psychiatrics charge. Inevitably, they'd read, "children are the future, but for God's sake $250 an hour for a little bit of therapy. Who can afford such a thing."

Then I guessed that the ad had been from the Mormons, before deciding it seemed a bit too confrontational. Besides, there were no references to polygamy anywhere. Not like there's anything wrong with that.

Finally, I figured it out. It must be the Scientologists, the world's foremost experts on medical and psychiatric care. A religion so amazing that it appealed to Mensa members and master thespians Tom Cruise, Kirstie Alley and Isaac Hayes. If the star of "Fat Actress" is a Scientologist, there must be something to it. I read on.

This incredibly enlightening ad claimed that "today 17 million children around the world are prescribed psychiatric drugs that government agencies warn cause violent behavior--and even suicide. If you, a loved one, or someone you know has been abused by psychiatry, contact the Citizens Commission on Human Rights. We will take action."

At the end of the ad it had a "General Public Warning: Psychiatry is hazardous to your mental health."

Ain't No Party Like a Scientology Party Cuz' A Scientology Party Don't Stop

Naturally, I hailed the work for what it was: a stunning piece of insight into the nature of mankind. I only had two problems with the ad. The first, why only take out an ad in City Beat. Why not take ads in the LA Weekly, the LA Alternative Press, even Entertainment Today. The world needs to know the breathtaking revelations that only the Citizens Commission on Human Rights can bring to the people. After all, City Beat isn't the only alternative magazine in Los Angeles with prostitution ads at the back of it. And damned if that's not where most Americans get their religious knowledge: alternative weeklies advertising live hot escorts from Russia.

Indeed, the only other problem I had with the Scientologists' ad was that it didn't go far enough. After all, everyone who saw Tom Cruise on the Today Show now knows that psychiatrists are in fact evil people. After all, who was the world's first psychiatrist: Sigmund Freud. And where was Sigmund Freud from? Austria. And where was Adolph Hitler from? Austria. Thereby proving that all Austrians, psychiatrists and men with mustaches are pure evil.

But why stop there? The Scientologists need to take their new advertising campaign further. What about a campaign against Podiatrists? Surely the only thing more vicious than a psychiatrist is a podiatrist. One second, you don't have any corns on your feet, the next moment you're infested with not just corns but bunions. The next thibng you know, the podiatrist is calling your house asking if you need any elective foot surgery. Coincidence? I think not.

Or how about a campaign against those filthy opthalmologists. Eye doctors. That's what you think. In reality, they too are evil, part of a worldwide campaign to make everyone a nerd by giving them glasses. Was Steve Urkel really evil? Who knows? But I can tell you that his eye doctor was. We must stop all opthalmologists as soon as possible.

La-Di-Da-Di, We Likes to Party, We Don't Cause Trouble, We Wanna' Proselytize Everybody
Still intrigued by the ad, I went to the CCHR's homepage (www.cchr.org...check it out, I'm not linking to them, the last thing I need is a gang of maniacal scientologists stalking me) , to find out if they had any plans to fight the scourge of opthamologists plaguing our nation. Sadly, I found nothing of this sort. However, I happened to find the above photo. And yes...in case you were wondering, that is Doug E. Fresh on the right. Triggered by a bad experience that he had bobsledding in Jamaica, Fresh apparently decided to become a Scientologist.

Check out their website and learn how the deaths of Billie Holliday, Elliot Smith, Ernest Hemingway, Kurt Cobain, Marilyn Monroe, Kurt Cobain, and Don Simpson were mainly due to their having psychiatrists. Sure, all you naysayers and cynics will point out that Don Simpson had a $60,000 a month drug habit at the time of his death. But the truth is you can do all the heroin you want, the moment you get a bad shrink, you're two steps from the grave.

It's a tumultuous time for humanity. The Middle East is roiling with instability, gas is threatening to rise to $4 a gallon, and the free world is being led by a man who makes Herbert Hoover look like Winston Churchill, but I'm glad to know the Scientologists are focused on the biggest threat to America and the rest of the world. No, not Al-Queda, not neo-conservatives, but rather psychiatrists. After all, anyone whose watched an episode of Frasier knows that psychiatrists are frauds and are responsible for more harm than just the career of David Hyde Pierce. So the next time, someone starts freaking out over such minor issues as WWIII breaking out, tell them they're only ignoring the real problem: people with Ph.D's and 7 years of training who are trying to help people sort out the myriad difficulties of life. After all, they're the real problem.

5 Comments:

At 9:46 AM, Anonymous Bridge Dyson said...

I hope all psychiatrists burn like really dry wood in hell! Just because they have PhD's doesn't mean they can tell people how to live their lives! If I want to live a life of painful isolation due to problematic behavior stemming from an ugly, father-less childhood, then that's my right as a true American!

All of the members of the Church of Science Fiction are onto something, and you're damn right it's more pressing than $4 gas (I drive a Vespa) or that war on terror (I don't pirate DVD's or buy reefer). Let's take a stand against these pill pushers, unite with Doug E. Fresh and Rebecca from "Cheers" and show these children murders how Uncle Sam REALLY throws down!

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Glad to have you aboard, now all we need is Ted Danson and Slick Rick and this revolution will be ready to occur.

 
At 2:56 PM, Blogger David said...

I liked the captions to the pictures. Me laugh. Hard.

 
At 6:48 PM, Blogger Nate said...

"After all, who was the world's first psychiatrist: Sigmund Freud. And where was Sigmund Freud from? Austria. And where was Adolph Hitler from? Austria. Thereby proving that all Austrians, psychiatrists and men with mustaches are pure evil."

The funny thing is that this is the type of logic that a lot of people, not just Church of Science members abide by. Just plum dumb. Makes me want to pray to little baby Jesus. All eight pounds, six ounces of him...

 
At 8:15 PM, Blogger amphimacer said...

Hey! It's ophthalmologist! Use a freakin' dictionary! Or at least run spell-check.
Oh yeh, it was funny but scary. Like it was supposed to be . . . I hope.

 

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