The year was 1982. The country was Austria. The man was Falco. The verdict was definitive awesomeness.
So I'm at the gym today, doing my best not to be bothered by the onslaught of people working out on their cell-phone, when I look up at one of the gym's televisions to see perhaps the strangest and most deliriously outstanding music video of all time. I'm talking about Falco's "Der Kommissar."
For those unaware of the epic greatness of Falco, he's perhaps the biggest pop star to ever come out of Austria. Born Johann Holzel in Vienna on February 19, 1957, Falco was a classically trained child prodigy, but after graduating from the Vienna Conservatoire, he relocated to West Berlin and began fronting a jazz-rock band. Rechristening himself Falco in honor of the German skier Falko Weissflog, he returned to Vienna in time to play bass on the punk outfit Drahdiwaberl's 1979 album Psycho Today, penning their best-known song, "Ganz Wein."
But who cares about such trivial facts. More importantly, Falco will go down in the history books for two songs, "Rock Me Amadeus," and "Der Komissar."
One of the first European musicians to be inspired by rap music, Falco decided to make music history with "Der Komissar" by spitting German raps to the techno beats (do they have any other kind in Germany).
Do I know what the song's about? Definitely not. This is even after having read the translated lyrics. However, I do know that it's a whole lot more fun to just make up stories as to it's actual meaning.
Let's start with the video, commencing with Falco being chased by the coppers, doing some kind of gawky hobbit hop along with the beat. From this one can infer that Falco is clearly a bad motherfucker. In a good way. Does he care about the coppers? Fuck no. Falco is a scofflaw and what a scofflaw. In all likelihood, he's the head of an international diamond/drug smuggling ring consisting of men with slicked back hair, white t-shirts and leather jackets. Take that Young Jeezy and your so-called "Snowman."
If German Techno Pop Doesn't Work Out, Maybe I'll Just Try Out For Melrose Place
Judging from his devil-may-care attitude and tone, his oh-so-cool smirk and his impressive epileptic dance moves, Falco is clearly the king of West Berlin. Contradict me and feel the wrath of Falco. Not to mention the guy sort of looks a little like Scott Storch, but much more Teutonic and much cooler.
At approximately the 50 second mark, the listener learns the fact that young Falco misses his "funky friends Jack, Joe and Jill." Perhaps this is a Rosetta Stone into the cryptic mind of Falco. Perhaps Jack is crack cocaine, Joe is heroine, and Jill is Crystal Meth. This would explain Falco's peculiar yet disturbingly outstanding fashion choices.
But the apex of the brilliant video comes at the 1 minute and twenty second mark when Falco pops his collar and gives his best seductive pose to the camera. Collars had been popped before. Collars had been popped since. But no one could pop a collar like Falco. No one.
But then Falco doesn't have any more time to collar pop. He has to duck the cops and he has to dance spastically, two things that he is devastatingly good at. The cops are inevitably screaming "damn you Falco," the entire chase, having no doubt been made jealous of Falco's all-consuming coolness and kick-ass tendencies.
And do they ever catch him? Never. Why? Because you can't stop Falco, you can only hope to contain him. In the end, Falco saves the day, probably to go home with a nice West German girl, where the two of them will have efficient German sex. And who can blame her for succumbing to his charms? He is Falco. A man so excellent that he decided to a make a music video consisting of one endless long shot of him being chased by the cops while dancing and lip syncing.
And you know what, that's okay by me. If you don't laugh at least once while watching this video, you probably have no soul. But you know who does have soul? Falco. Best. German. 80's. Rapper. Ever.
And for those who desperately crave more Falco:
Special Bonus Round: Rock Me Amadeus (Anyone who can tell me why Falco is wearing a tux when everyone else in the video is in period costume, wins my eternal respect)