The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Local Man Pretty Sure He's A Global Warming Expert After Seeing Gore Documentary

After watching the Al Gore global warming documentary An Inconvenient Truth two weeks ago, Altadena resident, Nick Chesterfield has become convinced of his expertise on the topic of global warming.

"There's not really all that much that you need to know. You can just watch that Al Gore fellow talk for a little bit and you become pretty damned sure that global warming exists. Two hours and it's all you'll ever need to know."

When pressed for details upon his illumination, Chesterfield was hard-pressed to point out specifics.

"Look, I don't need to prove myself. I saw the movie. I know what I'm talking about," Chesterfield said testily. "Did you see the CO2 chart that Al Gore showed with the big pink line that went way up in the air. That's because of human beings. And if you can't trust a big pink line in a powerpoint presentation than who can you trust? And did you see the cartoon of polar bears drowning in their icebergs. That was sad. Global warming is bad. I like polar bears."
Reached for comment, Al Gore seemed satisfied that the documentary had managed to make an impact on the American public.

"I'm so glad that my campaign propag...I mean my film has had such an impact on the American public. Obviously, Nick Chesterfield is an incredibly intelligent man." Gore said solemnly. "Global warming is a serious problem that not only threatens Americans but the entire world. Do you like Manhattan? Well, if you like the city of Manhattan than you better hang onto my every word, because in the year 2048, Manhattan will be underwater. Thanks to global warming. Global warming and Republicans. Republicans are evil. Gore in 08!"

But reaction to Chesterfield's epiphany wasn't all unanimous. In fact, his wife Bonnie Chesterfield has repeatedly expressed irritation with her husband.

"It isn't that I think Nick's wrong. He's probably right. After all what kind of a thinking person supports global warming. It's just that Nick won't shut up about the whole thing. Global warming this and global warming that. The guy sees a two hour documentary and suddenly he thinks he's a scientist ," Bonnie Chesterfield opined. "That documentary bored me to tears. Okay, I get it. Global warming is bad. Now can I go home? I didn't need to pay $10 bucks to see Al Gore lionized. And I don't care what anyone says, that man is the most boring person I've ever seen. The whole thing seemed to be an excuse for the Democrats to pat themselves on the back for being smarter than the Republicans. I suppose that's an achievement of some sort, sort of like being the richest man in Bangladesh"

When asked if the film had inspired any changes in the Chesterfield household, Nick Chesterfield declined to get into specifics.

"We definitely have tried to make changes. I tried to recycle but we don't have a recycling bin and I was too lazy to go down to the depot. So that's out. And I thought about trading in my Tahoe for a Prius, but how could we drive the kids to soccer practice? Whatever, it's all George Bush's fault. Why can't he just sign that Kyo-yo treaty anyway?"
George Bush declined to comment for the story, instead directing reporters towards statements that he made in the October 11th 2000, Presidential debate. According to aides close to Bush, his views remain the same six years later.

"Some of the scientists, I believe, haven't they been changing their opinion a little bit on global warming? There's a lot of differing opinions and before we react I think it's best to have the full accounting, full understanding of what's taking place. After all, global warming is just a theory."


At 9:09 PM, Anonymous The Socratic Miss said...

An intelligent psuedo-review. It's like human beings are just smart enough to realize that they are slowly cooking themselves and their environment to death, but not quite smart enough to do anything about it -- just bright enough to understand the horrible tragicomedy.

You know...when I really think about it, it's sort of a metaphor for my entire life. Hmmmm...

At 1:59 PM, Blogger Douglas Reinhardt said...

Al Gore called me this morning to ask if I would watch his movie again.

I hung up on him.

At 1:25 PM, Blogger Joey said...

George Bush doesn't believe in science. And he's the President of this country. Unfuckingbelievable.


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