Zarqawi Disappointed By Sexual Performance of Virgins In Heaven
After nearly a week in heaven, former Al-Queda in Iraq leader, Abu Musab Zarqawi is irate with the sexual performance, or lack thereof, of the 72 virgins he received upon his arrival in Heaven, Wednesday morning.
"I guess I didn't think it out as well as I probably should have," Zarqawi said in a rare moment of candor. "I mean it's great and all that God didn't just give me 72 skanks, but at the same time, I haven't exactly been treated to orgy after orgy either. What gives? After all this is Heaven. How many times do you have to hear a girl say, I'm not ready yet. How about a nice hand job instead?"
Indeed Zarqawi admitted that he may have been misled by the Imams on Earth who prophesized that wild times lay ahead.
"Martyrdom, shmartydrom...," Zarqaqi chuckled (yes, he chuckles). "The problem is that I'd never actually been with a virgin on earth and had no idea what being a virgin actually entailed. Do you know how many times we've just made out all night with me begging to at least see one breast, and yet nothing? And then when I do get somewhere with one of my virgins, they always mess up. Let's just say that these girls did not watch the oral sex tutorial scene in Fast Times At Ridgemont High. Quite frankly, I'm in a whole lot of pain. I think the great prophet Eric "Eazy-E" Wright best described my plight when he said, "Quit biting it and shit."
But hip hop allusions aside, Zarqawi said that the worst part about the 72 virgins isn't even the fact that after five days in heaven, all 72 remain virgins. Rather Zarqawi claims that Mohammed included Jews in the much vaunted "72 Virgin Premium Package." When asked for his reasons behind the inclusion of Jews, Mohammed only laughed heartily.
"I just did it to mess with Abu. He's so serious and all, so I said to myself, how can I best screw with his head?" Mohammed said. "Then it hit me... Jews. Specifically, Jewish women. You know it might not get mentioned in the 'elitist western press' but I have a pretty damned good sense of humor. Did you hear the one about the insane dictator, the weapons of mass destruction and the village idiot? That one gets me every time?"
Yet while Mohammed seems to be quite giddy with the matchmaking that he has done, Zarqawi is not the only one dissastisfied with the situation. Rachel Goldberg, one of Zarqawi's 72 virgins has been unimpressed with her new husband.
"Um...he might've been a big deal down on earth, but if he thinks I'm just gonna' put out when and where he wants, he's got another thing coming," Goldberg said. "First of all, he refuseses to as much as take me out to a nice dinner first. I don't want to stay in and cook for him. I want to be both wined and dined. And have I gotten any jewelry yet? No! What's in it for me? It's bad enough to have to tell my parents that he's a goyim, but a poor goyim?? He both refuses to convert and to support my lifestyle. If you wanna' know the truth, something tells me that this so-called Al-Queda in Iraq job isn't such a high-paying gig."
And yet down on earth, Zarqawi's inability to score has not deterred any of his Al-Queda in Iraq partners from pursuing their dreams of martyrdom. Shaheed Rahim Abdul, one of Zarquawi's top lieutenenants claims that he's just as ready to die today as he was yesterday.
"First of all, you've got to understand Abu," Abdul smirked. "The man might be a terrorist mastermind, but he has no game. None. Seriously, I've seen it. The man couldn't get laid in a Babylonian whorehouse, and if you know Babylonian whorehouses the way that I know Babylonian whorehouses, it's really tough not to get laid. I'm sure he's doing something wrong. When I finally am martyred, God willing, those virgins won't be virgins for very long. Know what I'm saying?"
Zarqawi dismissed Abdul's claims, calling them "ridiculous lies" and hinting that Abdul may in fact be on the side of the "infidels." But while Zarqawi's lack of consummation may be constantly mocked by his former brethren, he insists that all in all, things are looking up.
"I'm pretty sure that I've been able to convince one of the of the girls to get drunk tonight. The Koran says that I'm not allowed to get drunk, but it doesn't say anything about one of my 72 virgins, heh heh heh," Zarquawi said. "And if that doesn't work out, well there's 71 others. I'm not worried. I'm a numbers man. I've got myself a sizable bedroom, some Barry White albums, and a bottle of Corvoirsier. One of these days, something's gotta' give."