The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Trying Not to Be Evil Week, Day 2: Look At My Ass Shorts

Over the six-plus months or so that I've been blogging, I've been a tough critic of the fashion trends that constantly sweep through Los Angeles. Sure, I haven't been as comprehensively excellent as others, but from time to time, I've been known to rant about such pertinent issues as derby cap-wearing females and guys in cowboy hats.

There have been other fashion trends that have been spared (I'm looking at you striped-shirt wearing girls. Seriously, I wanted to see the Hamburgler, I'd just go to McDonald's), but for the most part I try to ignore the fashion world, as it seems to me that a whole lot of people in this town seem to take their fashion cues from two places: Eastsiders ape American Apparel ads, while Westsiders seem to pray exclusively to the holy trinity of Barney's, Fred Segal and Kitson (though if this means anything perhaps the end is near)

However, one trend has recently returned this summer this brings joy to the frigid tundra of my heart. Some call them shorty shorts. Some call them Daisy Dukes (and if you don't think I'm doing an entire blog about Duice's Dazzey Duks song soon, you're crazy). But once upon a time, a very wise man once perfectly described them as "Look At My Ass Shorts."

Indeed, I thought the trend of girls wearing Look At My Ass Shorts had ended when I left the cozy confines of Occidental College, where every Spring brought an onslaught of attractive sorority girls walking around in obscenely short shorts. Needless to say, this produced the invention of what was known as a quad-sit, in which my friends and I would look longingly at the conga-train of Look At My Ass Shorts girls strutting across campus. Needless to say, college was fun. And of course, there was no guilt involved in starting at them. After all, the beauty of "look at my ass shorts" is that there's always some sort of insignia or lettering on the girls ass, which gives you the perfect excuse of explaining how that just wanted to read what the shorts said. But having to explain why you're staring is something that rarely happens with Look At My Ass Shorts. After all, why else would a girl wear them? Wearing these types of shorts says one thing: I have a nice ass. Would you care to look at it? More often than not, the answer is yes.

But the days of Look At My Ass Shorts seemed to have gone the way of the dinosaur in recent years, as girls had jettisoned shorts for tights and other more hipster-friendly pastures. You hardly even saw a mini-skirt around (the less slutty older cousin of Look At My Ass Shorts). But over the last two months, there has been a divine re-arrangement in the fashion cosmos. The gods have prophesized the return of Look at My Ass Shorts and I think I speak for all males in the city of Los Angeles when I say: welcome back, Look At My Ass Shorts. Your presence was sorely missed.

Yes, it seems that eastsiders and westsiders alike can agree on something this summer: they like short shorts. And you know who else likes short shorts? This blogger. Sure, short shorts aren't necessarily attractive on every girl, yet when worn properly, they do nothing but enhance the beauty of any girl that happens to be wearing them.

So girls of Los Angeles, for once all I can say to you is: nice work and a job well done. Nothing says summer like a bunch of scantily clad females running around in impossibly short shorts. Nothing. So the next time, you're out about town in a pair of shorts that you probably could've worn when you were five years old, and a guy comes up to you and tells you that he finds you attractive, do me a favor, don't thank him. Thank the Look Ass Shorts. Because if Big Daddy Kane were still making albums, he wouldn't have invoked spandex in his rhymes, but rather, he would've boasted that his "rhymes are like look at my ass shorts, they make any ass seem good."


At 6:26 PM, Blogger Nate said...

You know you get mad props from me for dropping the hamburgler line...

At 6:43 AM, Blogger Ian said...

By far, the best ones of these I've ever seen had the word "hustla" scrawled across the back (white girl, thanks for asking).

And I wait with bated breath for your post on "How To Get The Guy."


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