The Passion of the Weiss Guide to Car Theft
Last week, I was deeply disturbed by a report that I read. Apparently, for the fourth straight year, Cadillac Escalades are the most stolen vehicle in the
Indeed, I took pity upon the car jackers of
Accordingly, in an effort to help out the car thieves of America, I’ve decided to compile a a handy Passion of the Weiss Guide to Car-Jacking, so that in the future they won’t risk the possibility of being injured at the hands of an angry rapper/mobsters forced to give up their “whips.” Hear that boys? From here on out, it’s smooth sailing.
Sure, you’re probably thinking, what the hell do I know about car-jacking? Fair enough. Of course, the answer is very little. Think of me as more like a general manager. I’m not able to play the game, but certainly able to spot out the strengths and weaknesses of my team and help put them into position to win. Very much like Theo Epstein. But rather than help the Red Sox win a championship, I’m helping car-jackers escape injury. Nobel Peace Prize here I come.
So car-jackers, if you have to steal a car, pay attention.
The Top Five Cars That Car-Jackers Should Steal Instead of Escalades
5. Mitsubishi Eclipse's
You probably aren’t going to find an easier target than someone in a Mitsubishi Eclipse. Think about it. The owners of Eclipses are either 16-years old guys stoked about their first car, or middle-aged dudes having a mid-life crisis without enough money to do it right. Either way, you’re in the clear.
Chances are your average 16-year old Eclipse driver is probably a) high or b) listens to Fall Out Boy or c) both. At any rate, if he’s stoned he’ll peaceful and mellow and will give up his car without trouble. If by chance he’s listening to Fall Out Boy than you have even less to worry about. Now you know if he puts up a fight, you can beat his ass without any difficulty.
Say he turns out to be a middle-aged man with hair plugs and a Billy Joel album on the stereo, you still need not have fear. The man still drives an Eclipse. Any middle-aged man driving an Eclipse is by nature insecure and anxious to impress people. So much that he opted to purchase a third-rate imitation sports car rather than just get a more sensible ride.
Chances are you’re not even going to need to use any sort of weapon as a scare tactic to force him out of the car. Pretend you are a frat boy trying to seduce a woman and pray on his insecurity. Tell him that no matter how fast his car goes or how far the sun roof opens up, no woman will ever be impressed by a 45-year old man in an Eclipse. Ever. Chances are this will bring him to tears within seconds and he will flee from the car to go call his psychiatrist. Point, carjacker.
Peugeot’s are the Maginot Line of automobiles in that they are probably pointless and ultimately anyone involved with them will never be able to put up any sort of defense. Sure, it’s easy and cheap to pick on the French. But it’s also fun. And judging by the performance of
Now, finding someone in a Peugeot will not be easy, but when you do find them, you know the pickings will be good. Peugeot doesn’t even make cars anymore for the
If he’s French, all you’ll have to do is make some sort of comment about how much you hate French New Wave films and Jean Luc-Godard. This will get him incensed and probably get him out of the automobile and ready to engage in some sort of intellectual debate. Now’s your chance. Give them a shove. They’ll inevitably go flying and give you ample time to hop into the automobile and jet down the autoroute. Word.3. Toyota Prius'
I’ve been hard on Prius owners in the past. Probably unnecessarily so. The truth is, with gas costing over $3 a gallon, owning a Prius makes a whole lot of sense. This is why it’s perfect for stealing. Not only will prospective car-jackers find themselves in possession of a car with excellent fuel efficiency, but they’ll also find themselves having no problem wresting Prius owners out of the automobile.
Think about your typical Prius owner. They won’t put up much of a fight? After all, I’d be willing to guess that 97.3 percent of all Prius owners consider themselves pacifists. Sure, they might try to bore you to death by telling you how great “An Inconvenient Truth” is, or they might start trying to tell you about some great article on multilateralism that they read on Daily Kos. Either way, they aren’t gonna’ fight you.
Jacking a Prius also offers a double-bonus for car-jackers of color, in that they may be able to prey on Prius owners’ sense of liberal guilt. Make up some story about how you need to do this to feed your growing family and how the only reason why you haven’t been able to do so thus far is, the man. Chances are Prius Owners will probably hand over not just the automobile, but they’ll probably give you the entire contents of their wallets. Score.2. Dae Woo's
The only thing that could might’ve even had a shot at being interpreted as being “hard-core” about Dae Woo’s was “Woo,” part of the name, which had the potential to inevitably make people think of the Wu-Tang Clan. However, Dae Woo had to even get the spelling of the name wrong. Why? Because Dae Woo’s aren’t exactly about to strike fear in the hearts of men..
I’m not sure what’s wrong with the nation of
So carjackers, why carjack a Dae Woo? Why not? I’ve never actually known anyone to drive a Dae Woo, so I can’t indulge in any ridiculous generalizations about who drives them. However, I’m willing to imagine that you, the carjacker, are infinitely tougher than anyone driving a Dae Woo. Plus, chances are that the person in the car will be happy to get rid of it and collect the insurance money. Huzzah!1. Saab's
People should only be allowed to drive Saabs for two reasons: 1) You are Jerry Seinfeld. 2) It’s the year 1986, your name is Hans and you’re rolling around
Why? Because not only are Saab’s an expensive automobile, there is nothing cool about them. Seriously, there’s nothing other than the fact that they’re Swedish which generally reminds people of two things: attractive women and vodka. Both of which are objectively good things.
It’s mind-blowing that anyone would actually opt to purchase a Saab. This company is so clueless that its motto is “Born From Jets.” What the fuck does “Born from Jets” mean? I’m not sure. Perhaps it’s Swedish slang for “pulling one over on brain-dead Americans.”
Either way, if you try to car-jack someone in a Saab, chances are they’ll be so clueless that they won’t even know what’s going on. Just make up some sort of excuse, like “Look, it’s the good year blimp!” (this seemed to work just fine in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure). Next thing you know they’ll turn around and run down the street chasing after the aforementioned imaginary blimp. And you, my carjacker friend, will find yourself in possession of a brand-new Saab. Whatever you choose to do with it is your problem. This isn’t The Passion of the Weiss Guide to Fencing Stolen Goods, but if it were, I’d recommend selling your Saab as fast as possible. No good can come from owning a Saab.
The Top Five Cars You Should Not Try to Car-Jack (Excluding Escalades)
There’s something a bit too old-school about a dude in a Chrysler. As though you know that anyone in a Chrysler is down to “ride for theirs.” This is bad. Sure, the average person rolling in a Chrysler is probably a senior citizen, but I’ll bet you dollars to donuts that they’re a rough and rugged senior citizen. The type to smack you across their head with their cane.
But the worst part about getting foiled in your attempt to jack a senior citizen in a Chrysler will be the inevitable lecture that will follow you about the “good ol’ days,” and about WWII or something. Then they’ll probably call your parents for good measure. My advice: don’t fuck with people in Chrysler. Respek.4. Lamborghini's
Oh, you might be thinking to yourself, what kind of a defense could a Lamborghini owner put up. After all, they’re inevitably rich and well-insured. You’re thinking anyone who drives a Lamborghini is probably pretty happy with their life and in no mood to risk it to fight off a car-jacker.
That is until you meet this man.
Yes. That’s right. Cam’ron. Sure, chances are that you won’t be car-jacking Cam’ron, but how can you ever be sure? It is never a wise idea to mess with a man who is inevitably so repressed and angry that he may take it out on you. And if anyone strikes me as repressed and angry, it’s none other than Killa’
Plus, there’s always the offhand chance that after he makes you give up the aforementioned goods, he may take you to his top-secret 100% evil, 100 % purple colored lair, where he will allow Jim Jones and Duke Da God to have their way with you. And that my friends is something that we can all agree that no one wants to have happen to them.
3. The So-Called “Rice Rocket.”
Have you seen the film, “Better Luck Tomorrow?” If not, here’s the moral. Don’t fuck with guys driving rice rockets. They are no joke. Seriously, any man who has spent that much time and money on his vehicle will be down to die to protect it. Guaranteed.
Not only do you have to worry about someone willing to die for their automobile, which should be every carjacker’s worst fear, but you have to worry about the possibility that the owner of the car might know martial arts. Obviously, not every Asian person knows martial arts but a whole lot of them do. Chances are not only will you not succeed in carjacking them, but you probably will get your ass kicked too. Not a smart move. Stick to the Dae Woo’s.2. Mazda MPV
I see you wrinkling your face. A Mazda MPV? That’s a mom-mobile. A Mazda MPV would seem to be the archetypal suburban station wagon designed to ferry the kids off to soccer practice? Right? Wrong.
Need I refer you to a little called “Enter the 36 Chambers,” a little song called “C.R.E.A.M, a not-so-little rapper named Raekwon the Chef.
"Rollin in MPV’s, every week we made forty G’s
Yo respect mine, or anger the tech nine
Ch-chick-POW ! Move from the gate now”
That’s right, move from the gate now and don’t car-jack anyone in a Mazda MPV. Never doubt anyone to whom Cash Rules Everything Around Them. Angering the tech nine=Not Good.
1. Crazy White Guys In Pick-Up Trucks
Okay, so not everyone that drives a pick-up truck is nuts. However, chances are that if somebody is nuts than they probably drive a pick-up truck. C’mon, how much do you wanna’ bet that the Unabomber drove a pick-up truck? How else could he have taken his bomb-making chemicals to and fro (yes, I did just use the phrase to and fro…thank you for asking).
Thankfully, it’s not often that you see a Confederate Flag, but when you do see a Confederate Flag it’s almost 100 percent guaranteed that it will be on the back of a pick-up truck. Also pick-up trucks also are often filled with various tools. The last thing you need is to be smashed by a rake in the middle of a carjacking. Because, unless you are an indie rock fan, rakes can never be a good thing.
Disclaimer: This blog does not actively endorse car-jacking under any circumstances. In fact, it condemns car-jackings. Unless said car-jackings involve people with Saab’s. In that case, it will selectively endorse on a case-by-case basis.