The Madness of King George

In April, President Bush watched a documentary on the northwest Hawaiian islands, a documentary that inspired last week's decision to create the world's largest marine protected area, a group of remote Hawaiian islands that cover 84 million acres and are home to 7,000 species of birds, fish and marine mammals, at least a quarter of which are unique to Hawaii.

Most interestingly, Bush's decision to create the protected area came after watching a movie that no one had ever heard of, specifically one made by the man pictured below: Jean-Michel Cousteau.
Once I got over the fact that Jean-Michel's name isn't really Steve Zissou, I realized that for once it seemed like the Bush administration had made an extremely intelligent move. Being the hypocritical environmentalist that I am, I'm all in favor of marine reserves and such. After all, who doesn't enjoy a spending quality time with both flora and fauna? And to think that this wise move came after Bush merely watched a documentary film.

But according to Passion of the Weiss sources buried deep inside the Bush White House, this isn't the first film that Bush has watched in the oval office. In fact, Bush is reputed to be the quite the film buff.

At first, I was dumbstruck. After all, it was quite the coincidence that both President Bush and I happened to like movies. Hoping this similarity might spark a friendship, I e-mailed 43 (as he now likes me to call him) to ask if there were any other movies that had impacted him recently. And what do you know, he jumped at this opportunity to reveal himself to a blog, compiling an impressive list of films that moved him, yet didn't make the cut for changing United States law. Huzzah.

What Didn't Cut The Mustard (I Like Mustard) By George W. Bush

10. Titanic
To me, that DiCaprio fellow seemed like your typical California sissy But I was impressed by that Winslet girl. She knew how to party. Titanic was the kind of film that you can watch with the family. So I did. In fact at times, it reminded me of our family, what with all the drinking and sailing. The twins agreed.

I liked the Billy Zane actor the best. He reminded me of myself as a boy. Young, strong, rich and always willing to shove a person or two or three out of a lifeboat. Every man for himself, heh heh heh.

It made me think quite a bit, not about that tragic wreck of a sinking ship steered by an inept captain, but about what I'd do if I was stranded at sea and had to swim for my life. I told myself that I'd think optimistically, after all pessimism never created a job. That satisfied me. Still, I asked Karl if there was something we could do about all these so-called "ice-bergs." He told me there wasn't. I don't like icebergs. Not one bit. I actually asked some of the generals if they thought it was a good idea to fire a few rockets at the icebergs. Just to give 'em a good scare. They didn't think it was a good idea either.

I'll get them back one day for what they did to Billy Zane. I've already started. And when all the ice bergs melt, and by God I'll see to it that they do, you can tell them that George Bush is responsible for their downfall.

9. Teen Wolf
Now this was a heart-warming tale. A story of a boy a little different than his peers who rises to the top based on agression and favorable genetics. It really hit home. And that song they play throughout the film "Win In the End." That's the kind of song I could see putting on my iPod.

But ultimately, I liked that Styles boy the best. He was a perfect example of capitalism working at it's finest. He was ready in a heartbeat to sell Teen Wolf t-shirts, posters, buttons, you name it. Anything to make a buck. He reminded me of some good friends I had back home. Anything that reminds me of Texas is good. Don't mess with Texas.

For a while there, I considered a law against the harassment of teenage werewolves. I didn't like how that principal, Rusty. He gave Teen Wolf a hard time. It was un-American of him. But before I moved, I took a Gallup poll. Turns out that there aren't all that many teenaged werewolves. Who knew? And I can't risk, not playing to the base.

8. Easy Rider
Now this is a movie, I couldn't stand. Hippies running around left and right, taking drugs and talking about freedom. Thank God, they didn't win. I'm not sure why these men were allowed to roam around the country. They should've served their country during a war. I didn't get that sort of luxury. I spent the war working my butt off in the Guard.

The ended of the film was a downer. I didn't want to see anyone get hurt. Then again, they did deal drugs, drugs will cause the corruption of the youth. Then again, if someone had to get hurt, I'm glad when it's a hippy. I'd like to make a law against hippies, but I was advised against it. After all, if Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon couldn't do it, the odds were against me. Oh well, I'll just spend a few more billion on fighting the drug war. Bring it on, hippies. Bring it on.

7. Stripes
That Bill Murray is funny. Sure wish we had a couple more of him to whip the Iraqi army into shape. He'd show them some good old American know-how. I wish more Americans could show the ingenuity of Bill Murray and John Candy and Harold Ramis in enlisting in the army. That'd stop those troop shortages, right quick. There's a possibility, I may make this mandotary showing in public schools. Gonna' wait and see what my gut tells me.

6. South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
When I first watched this film, I got upset because it didn't promote family values. How can young Americans grow up to be sane-minded responsible tax-payers when they're watching such filth. Being open-minded, I gave it a chance and you know what, I didn't hate it.

I could tell that the film's creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, understood the true meaning of evil: Sadamn Hussein. And you know how the old saying. the enemy of my enemy is my pal. I The South Park movie sent out a positive message that good will ultimately triumph over evil. Sadamn, Satan and the insurgency can and will be defeated. Praise the lord.

And I've got to admit, I laughed pretty hard when Sadamn whipped out that fake penis when he was in bed with Satan. Reminded me of a story, Rummy once told me when he went to Baghdad.

5. Rocky IV
Now this is a movie. Ronald Reagan might've gotten credit for ending the Cold War, but Sylvester Stallone and the good people who made Rocky IV deserve just as much credit.

(editor's note: this is probably true)

This movie got me worked up, but good. After watching the movie, I called Vladimir, or Pootie-Poot as I like to call him, and started screaming a whole lot about how much glasnost turned out to suck for the Russians.

Let's just say he wasn't so happy about the phone call. Did you know the Russians still have hundreds of nuclear weapons in their arsenal? I sure as hell didn't. Needless to say, he and I aren't speaking right now. Don't tell the liberal media.

4. Batman

Another movie I liked. Good triumphs over evil. And that Kim Basinger is a fox. Now that she's left that Commie Alec Baldwin, she's probably up for grabs. You never know, maybe she'd like to make love to The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again,"

Plus, I loved that Prince song, Batdance. Upbeat. I like Prince. He's a man of faith.

The most important thing I got from this film is a new nickname for Vice President. I used to call him "big-time," but know I've got a much better nick-name for him: The Joker.


3. Citizen Kane
I don't know how this one worked it's way into the rotation, but whoever allowed this slip-up is going to pay for. I don't read the newspapers. Don't like them. Too many facts. Not enough time. I check the Texas Rangers' box score and thar's it. I turned this film off after 15 minutes. That's Who needs to waste a night watching a film about the elitist ultra-leftist media.

2. National Lampoon's Animal House
Speaking of the media, you bloggers have taken a lot of shots at me about how I liked to have a good time when I was a young man who had not seen the light. This film brought me back to the good ol' days, when we could brand and paddle people them and no one said anything about lawsuits or hazing or anything of that nature, That was a time when men could be men...at all male schools and in all male-fraternities. It made me think about my bid to outlaw to gay marriage.

Animal House is one of my all-time favorite films. I get nostalgic every time I get to the end of the film and it mentions how Bluto Blutarsky went onto become a senator. That's the kind of free-thinker we could use in the Senate. Just walking past the Senate bores me to tears.

1. An Incovenient Truth
Ha, bet you believed all those reports where I said that I wasn't planning on watching the new Al Gore film? Well, I lied. Technically. Saturday nights are Laura's knitting knights and she goes off to one of her friend's houses in Georgetown. It leaves me at home alone for the evening. Well, there's only so much work you can do, so pretty often I call up Rummy and the Joker and we put on our pajamas and eat ice cream and watch movies. Last weekend, we watched An Incovenient Truth. Sort of.

Actually, we put the film on mute, then we made up imagined dialogue that Al Gore was supposedly. It was like that Mystery Science Theater show, except there weren't any robots. I wish.

And when I say that we made up dialogue for the film, I really meant that we just talked about how I'll be a two-term president and Al Gore will never ever serve to one. The whole thing made me feel pretty good. The Joker and Rummy agreed. We're gonna' do it again this weekend. Maybe we'll even invite that Cousteau fellow, even if he is French.