The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Local Man Depressed For Friendster

Local doctors have announced that they have diagnosed the first-ever-recorded case of a man becoming clinically depressed for a social networking website. The man in question, 24-year old Woodland Hills resident, Michael Hale, recently checked into the psychiatric unit of Holy Cross Hospital, due to massive symptoms of depression and potential suicidal tendencies.

"At first, I thought my depression was due to the fact that I was living in the Valley, but as it went on and on, I realized that it was a lot more than that," the formerly gregarious and social 24-year old said. "I slowly began to understand that my malaise had deeper roots to it. It all had to do with my love of Friendster and my hate for the this beastly behemoth known as Myspace."

According to patient records, symptoms of Hale's depression began to pop up approximately six months ago, when Hale began to struggle in the local bar scene.

"I'll be honest, there isn't that much of a local bar scene to begin with, but everything began to take a turn for the worse when I'd start to approach girls in bars. We'd start talking, I'd buy them a drink and the conversation would casually drift. Soon, I'd find myself asking them if they had a Friendster account. But they only laughed at me and asked me why I didn't switch to Myspace. I'd tell them that I didn't want one. When I said that, they'd just laugh at me and tell me that I wasn't cool. I'd ask them how being on Myspace could make anyone cool. And they told me that I just didn't get it."

Doctors say that most people who don't suffer from clinical depression would've just given in and registered for a Myspace account. But not Hale.

"After his continued rejection from females, Mr. Hale only became more steadfast in his appreciation of Friendster," distinguished psychiatrist Marvin Monroe III, said. "It seems that he developed an obsession with the fading fortunes of this online social network."

But Hale believes that he is just mis-understood in his defense of the merits of Friendster.

"People just don't understand. There's no real difference between the two. Its all just a clever scheme to get you to switch. They make you think that you're cool just because you have a Myspace account. That's their whole gimmick. They're just trying to sell you shit, don't you understand? It's all a marketing vehicle, it's all a marketing vehicle" Hale ranted.

Hale continued his diatribe by further emphasizing the benefits of Friendster and how it is evolving.

"People just don't get it, it's a whole new Friendster. They send me these e-mails all the time. Now you can comment on photos and leave personalized captions and you can even rate them. Can you rate people's photos on Myspace? Hah! I don't think so," Hale said.

However, some of Hale's friends expressed doubts about his persistence in touting the benefits of Friendster.

"Mikey's got pretty weird lately. All he wants to talk about is how much he hates Myspace. I've tried to tell him that it isn't as bad as he thinks it is. I've discovered a lot of cool bands on it, and I've met tons of chicks. I've hooked up with at least six girls just because of Myspace. Seriously," Johnny Santino, Hale's friend and an MBA student at Cal-State Northridge said. "I don't see what his problem is. All of those really hot girls fill out surveys on Myspace and then you can totally find out all these really personal things about them. After that, all you have to do is talk to them and pretend like you're into all the crap that they're into. You don't know how many chicks I've told that I like The Notebook. And I hate that movie! It works every time."

Indeed, doctors seem to baffled over Hale's condition, professing ignorance to the ways in which they can help.

"The first step is you have to want to help yourself," Monroe III continued. "If I could give Michael any advice it would be that maybe he should just stop using any and all on-line social networks. The whole thing is probably just a waste of time anyway. Maybe he should take up a new hobby, like reading or something a little more valuable than cyber-stalking his ex-girlfriends. That sort of stuff is not healthy."

But Hale declared that he will neither give up his Friendster activities, nor will he join Myspace. He also denied the doctor's assertions that he'd been overly scrutinizing his ex-girlfriends' profiles.

"I don't see where he got that bullshit from. Okay, so maybe a couple times I logged onto a friend's Myspace account to see if any of my exes were on the site. It was only because they weren't on Friendster, even though I invited them to join a few times. Whatever, they're just stupid," Hale said. "It doesn't matter. I'm gonna' stay on Friendster until I die. It's gonna' make a comeback, I can feel it. Their server has even gotten a little bit faster. Now Myspace will never win."

But according to Myspace president Tom Anderson, Hale might not have an option.

"He's wrong. We'll win. We always do. You remember that Puff Daddy song, "Can't Nobody Hold Me Down?" We're very similar to that in that we can't stop, we won't stop and quite frankly, we don't even know how to stop," Anderson said.


At 7:52 PM, Blogger Nate said...

I'm really going to have to stab you now. You think you are so clever changing the names around and everything, but you are so not. Why must you put my problems out there for everyone to make fun of? Yeah, I'm still on friendster, even though no one else is ever on. Yeah, I cyberstalk my ex's. What else am I supposed to do? They won't return my phone calls or my emails. God, if you're listening...HELP!

At 7:58 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

You can't win. Give into the dark side, Nate. Tom Anderson is watching you. Forget Big Brother. It's the 21st Century.


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