The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Jews Officially Give Up Search For Messiah

In the aftermath of the media uproar surrounding the birth of miracle baby Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, the Jewish people have officially announced the end of the search for a messiah. Accordingly, throngs of Jews have flocked to Jerusalem to await the end of the days and the emergence of Jolie-Pitt to start separating out the damned from those who will be saved. The child, the offspring of actor/deity/philosopher kings Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, ends a quest that according to Jewish doctrine, began in the city of Ur when Abraham first saw God in a burning bush. The burning bush allegedly commanded Abraham to be the leader of a great new religion, whose people would inevitably spend the next 5,000 years being persecuted, waiting for the messiah and trying to make vast quantities of money in the banking, law, medical and comedy industries in the interim.


However, according to the chief rabbi of Jerusalem, Yonah Metzger, the wait is over."."At first when I heard the news about the messiah, I decided to turn to the lord in prayer. I prayed, but then I said, 'you know what I've waited enough. It's just rude not to show up on time." So I decided to turn to the next best source of advice: celebrity magazines," Metzger said. "It turns out that our messiah already has quite the following. Did Jesus appear on the cover of In Touch, Star, People, US Weekly, Life and Style, and OK! Weekly, his first week on earth? I don't think so. All I have to say to the goyim is that our messiah is better than your messiah. We're so sick of coming in second place. Finally, we win. At last."

Though no word has come down whether or not Jolie-Pitt is interested in becoming the messiah, it seems that it isn't up to her. At least, if the Jewish people have a say in the matter. Accordingly, many prominent Jewish celebrities have congregated in Jerusalem to await the coming of their savior. Prominent Hasidic Reggae star Matisyahu is one of them.
"When I first heard about Shiloh's birth, my initial thought was that people were talking about the classic 1996 family film, Shiloh. Back when I used to follow Phish around the country, we used to get all high and watch Shiloh. Have you ever watched a movie about a boy and his dog...on weed?? It's awesome," Matisyahu rambled. "When I first heard about Shiloh, I called up my spiritual advisor in Hebron. But he was in the middle of a gun fight and couldn't talk to me. Apparently, Shiloh's magic has yet to begin. So I turned to the second-most-important person in my life, Jake Klein, my A&R from Sony. He seemed to be throwing his allegiance towards Shiloh, so I figured why not? It hasn't exactly been smooth sailing for the Jews these past few thousand years anyway."

But the bedlam currently underway in Jersusalem hasn't just been the province of previously orthodox Jews. Shawn Green, an outfielder for the Arizona Diamondbacks and widely considered the best Jewish athlete in the United States, decided to interupt his all-star season to fly to Jerusalem to wait for the emergence of the chosen one.

"I was confused," Green said bluntly. "What am I supposed to do now? Do I play on Yom Kippur? Do I play on Saturdays? Everything seems to be so up in the air. I figured the best bet was to come to Israel and wait for her arrival. We'll figure the details out later. Sure, our general manager is pissed off, but people don't seem to understand the magnitude of it all. It's not just the savior of a people who has been born, it's the offspring of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They are actors, having an actor child. I'd be crazy not to come."

However, sources in Jerusalem were most shocked when Bob Dylan nee Zimmerman, the former alleged savior of the Jewish people, showed up to pay homage to the new Queen of the Jews."Back in the 1960's, a lot of people thought I was the savior of the Jews, because I was just a good folksinger. But this girl is so much more than that. She's the children of really really ridiculously good looking people," Dylan said. "I just wish that Shiloh had arrived in the late 70's. It might have stopped me from converting to Christianity and making the Slow Train Coming, Saved and Shot of Love albums. Thank god all the spotlight is off me for once and back where it belongs, on the just-born infant daughter of the stars of "Cool World," and "Tomb Raider." Wow."

9 Comments:

At 2:32 AM, Anonymous dan said...

fantastic work. i love the dylan pic. when are yarmulkes going to make a comeback? I want to start seeing your hipster posts called: Beards, Blazers and Yarmulkes.

 
At 2:41 AM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

I'm surprised yarmulkes haven't become ironic yet. Urban Outfitters could start a line of kipas with slogans like "I'm here for the gang bang on it." They can cross-promotote with Heeb magazine. It can be the next sensation. Or they can even go retro yarmulke like from the Bar Mitzvah disco book. Someone needs to call Dov Charney immediately.

 
At 1:42 PM, Blogger Ty said...

I'm surprised you get away with pronouncing it "yammakah."

 
At 2:17 PM, Blogger Nate said...

You mean Matisyahu is not the Messiah? Could have had me fooled...

 
At 2:23 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

The good thing about the pronunciation of yarmulke is that if you hear somebody pronounce it yar-mulkey, you can immediately tell that they must've grown up in the country and therefore outside of the province of us city-loving Jew folk. Or that they are a pirate and just like saying "yar" in everything.

And Nate, Matisyahu's only the messiah to 15-year old Persian Jewish kids in Beverly Hills.

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger Nate said...

You're wrong. The fifteen year old Persian Jews worship 2pac and biggie. It's the faux hipster 21+ Persian Jew's that worship the all mighty Matisyahu. I'm the expert in the Persian Jewish world...betta recognize!

 
At 6:15 PM, Anonymous silawe said...

Why you gotta pick on my boyfriend Shawn Green?

 
At 6:24 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

I love Shawn Green. he was just confused. That's all. It's a tough issue for us Jews. To play or not to play...that is the question.

 
At 8:00 PM, Blogger amphimacer said...

Dylan is good, of course, but Neil Diamond would have been better. After all, he apparently used to call the Messiah's name when he was young.

 

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