The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

No Holds Barred: The 10 Wrestlers You Watched When You Were A Kid That are Probably Gay

In the half-decade from about 1986-1991, you probably wouldn't have found a bigger professional wrestling fan on the planet than me, as my love of wrestling led me to to beg my grandfather to order nearly every Wrestlemania, Survival Series, Summer Slam and Royal Rumble that came on the air. This wrestling hysteria wasn't just relegated to quarterly pay-per-view events, indeed every monday night was spent watching Prime Time Wrestling on the USA network, featuring a spate of wrestling matches and incisive commentary from wrestling luminaries, Gorrilla Monsoon and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.

But there was more to my wrestling obsession than mere viewing habits. I was an active subscriber to WWF magazine, attended several wrestling matches and proudly owned not just every collectible wrestling action figure, but owned the WWF wrestling ring as well. Wrestling was not just a passing interest in my life. Rather I almost felt as though my self-worth were somehow tied up in the exploits of my favorite wrestler, Hulk Hogan. An avowed Hulkamaniac, I said my prayers, ate my vitamins and asked my parents regularly if we could go to Venice Beach so that I could meet the Hulk (he claimed it was his hometown). When Hulk Hogan was injured in a match against Earthquake, I even wrote him a get-well letter.

Of course, my obsession with wrestling not so coincidentally dove-tailed with my early grade school years. There wasn't much I knew about life at that time. I wasn't aware that Arnold and Willis' biological father wasn't and couldn't be Mr. Drummond on the show Diff'rent Strokes. I believed Super Mario Bros. 3 would always be the pinnacle of human creativity on the planet earth. I even believed that Steve Urkel was funny. Yet out of everything, one of the most glaringly obvious things that I never picked up on when I was a kid was that a good many of the professional wrestlers myself and thousands of American kids idolized might've been homosexuals (not that there's anything wrong with that). While it can't exactly be verified, I'm willing to wager that more than a few of these wrestlers happened to empathize with Will Ferrell's character in "The Ladies Man," in that their wives would never be able to understand their "passion for Greco-Roman wrestling."

And in the spirit of the revisionist history so popular these days in academia, I think that the characters of the WWF need a bit of revisionist history of their own. After all, this was the sport whose first big superstar was named "Gorgeous George." With that in mind, I present the 10 Wrestlers You Watched When You Were A Kid That are Probably Gay.

10. Razor Ramon


Why is Razor Ramon probably gay? Look at this picture and you tell me. Was it his reluctance to talk all the time about "chicos?" I'm not quite sure, but something tells me that there are only two ways to get the nickname "Razor Ramon," and I'm pretty sure that Razor Ramon wasn't a master at cutting coke.

Whether it's his jheri curl or the fact that he was voted "Most Likely to Be Seen in a Speedo on a Beach in Puerto Rico" with Ricky Martin, but something always seemed to be a little queer about the artist formerly known as Razor Ramon.

Oh yeah, and then there's the fact that it has been reported that Razor Ramon has been arrested 16 times in a 13 month span for everything from drunk and disorderly conduct to assault. His span of arrests has ranged from taking a swing at a nightclub patron who insulted him) to kicking in the door of a cab while intoxicated.

Someone needs to please inform Razor Ramon that it is 2006 and we live in an infinitely more tolerant society than the one in which he grew up in. If someone like Tom Cruise can come out of the closet than so can he. There's no need for him to be so self-loathing and angry. There is no shame in being yourself. Oh wait, what's that...Tom Cruise never came out of the closet. Damn it. There goes my whole point. Next.

9. Randy "The Macho Man" Savage


Sure, one might point out the Macho Man's dalliances with Miss Elizabeth, his "supposed" wife with whom he claimed to have two boys. Admittedly, Miss Elizabeth was a babe . However, every list of closeted professional wrestlers would inevitably involve one of them using a Beard. I believe the Macho Man is that man.

Don't believe me? Well, then ask yourself why he ditched Miss Elizabeth for the obviously less attractive Sensational Sherri. Click on those two links and you ask yourself which one you'd rather be with. Besides this obvious clue, there's that strange beard that no man would dare grow to attract women, there's his clearly flamboyant wrestling attire, and there's his name itself: "Macho Man." Hint: naming yourself after a Village People song does nothing to burnish your heterosexual credentials. In fact, it's clearly shedding light on an obvious reality.

And don't even get me started on his predilection and constant need for a "slim jim."

8. Big John Studd


If this picture doesn't convince you (hint Big John Studd is the one that isn't Andre the Giant) then his name should: Big John Studd. The word studd has been used exactly 173 times since 1989. All 173 references somehow involve gay pornography. While this is a rather unscientfic assertion, ask yourself who would willingly opt for the name Big John Studd.

Then there was his constant aspiration to have a theater career, as good ol' BJ had roles in such cinematic classics as "Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man," "The Marrying Man," and the dead give-a-way "Beauty and the Beast."

Last of all, his patented finishing move was the "reverse bear hug." Do I really need to say more?

7. Ravishing Rick Rude

Never before has anyone loved to blow kisses as much as Ravishing Rick Rude. No one.
Then there was the fact that he regularly delivered quotes like this "What I'd like to have right now is for all you fat, out of shape, inner-city sweathogs to keep the noise down while I take my robe off and show you what a real sexy man is supposed to look like."

I'm not exactly sure what that meant, but I'm pretty sure that anyone who refers to himself as "a real sexy man," is having an identity crisis. Of course, in the case of Rude, such an identity crisis is much easier to spot when one makes gyrations and thrusts at a crowd.

When you throw in all these things, with his penchant for wearing airbrushed spandex tights of all the colors of the rainbow, people start to wonder. And fast.


6. Jake "The Snake" Roberts

Speaking of asking questions, what sorts of questions does one really have about a guy who handles his snake more than a Catholic Priest around a seven year-old boy (joke to be followed by a Ed McMahon-esque "heah-yo" or the phrase "knuck, knuck, knuck."

One could argue that having Alice Cooper in his corner at Wrestlemania III certainly would do a lot to improve Robert's odds of getting off this list. Then again, there was his difficulty in keeping his wife, Cheryl satisfied, as she was continually tempted by other men, including none other than Ravishing Rick Rude. Either Jake was seriously using that snake to overcompensate OR he was having difficulties grappling with some serious questions aboutwhy he had decided to make rolling around on a mat with other men a profession. Either way, Jake the Snake was probably gay.

5. The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers

First, there's the fact that the Fabulous Rougeau brothers were French Canadian and while I think very highly of Canadians, I immediately question the manliness of the average French male, considering that I could probably round up four guys off of your average Junior High School playground, arm them with rifles and we could probably have captured the Bastille in about 16 minutes.

Second, there's the fact that these two actually took the picture above, which I'd be actually willing to analyze if I could get over the damage that the retina-searing image of the Rougeaus in sequin jackets and blue underwear has done to my poor eyes.

Third, there's the fact that they actually include the word "fabulous," in their name. Apparently, the name the "flaming Rougeau Brothers," was taken by a caberet act in Paris.


4. The Rockers

Sometimes, a picture really is worth a thousand words.


3. The Bushwhackers
Yeah, Luke and Butch might've wanted you to believe that they were some down-home rough and rugged New Zealand retards, but the truth is anything but. Google them and you'll quickly be hard-pressed to find any photo of the two of them without their hands all over each other. These two are brothers all right, but not in the way that they present themselves to the world.

Then there's the fact that they include the root word "whacker," in their name. This is the most blatant veiled hinting at sexuality since the Whacking Day holiday on the Simpsons. Plus, you factor in that Luke and Butch loved nothing more than biting and licking themselves and others and you come to the conclusion that the Bushwhackers were probably gay. And then you think that his name was Butch and the word probably seems increasingly unneccesary.


2. Hillbilly Jim

Have Zed from Pulp Fiction and Hillbilly Jim ever been spotted at the same time? Probably not. Because in all likelihood, they're the same person. Is it too much of a stretch of the imagination to picture Hillbilly Jim having retired from wrestling and opening up a pawn shop where he keeps a leather gimp in the basement. I don't think so.

Having learned from The People Vs. Larry Flynt that all people from Appalachia are sexual deviants, I have little doubt that Hillbilly Jim is not only gay, but harbors a variety of sick and twisted sexual festishes, making him probably Tarantino's inspiration for the Zed character.

You might be wondering why Hillbilly Jim appears so low on this list, behind such flamboyant characters like The Rockers and Ravishing Rick Rude, especially in light of the fact that at first glance, a set of overalls would seem to be quite a conservative wrestling outfit. A good point, but one must take into account Hillbilly Jim's southern upbringing. Such garish displays of one's sexuality are simply not tolerated in less progressive regions. Which again would explain why Hillbilly Jim felt the burning compulsion to move to Los Angeles and open up a pawn shop/sex dungeon.


1. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake

Rule #1: Unless your name is Warren Beatty and we're talking about the movie, "Shampoo," I'm hard-pressed to believe in a male hair stylist's heterosexuality. And don't try telling me about Jonathan Antin from "Blow Out," and how he claims he's straight. I'm not buying it.

But at least Antin was smart about it, he didn't give himself a nickname as flamboyantly homosexual as BRUTUS "THE BARBER" BEEFCAKE. Think about it. Every single component of this man's nickname is clearly laced with innuedo.

I mean, this man had such a jones to cut hair that he snipped locks of it from every single one of his defeated opponents. And god knows what he did with that hair. I'd hate to see his apartment. And then there's his stunning resemblence to Lance Bass, which while not actually not doing anything concrete to prove his homosexuality, doesn't exactly help to disprove it either.

You throw in the clippers, the frayed clothing, the zebra patterns and you know that Brutus likes beef cake. A lot.

And for a bonus round, I will also present to you the 5 WWF Wrestlers that probably weren't gay.



5. Kamala the Ugandan Giant

You try calling this man gay. C'mon. Just try it.



4. Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka



A lot of people questioned Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka's sexuality. And by a lot of people I mean Nate Jones On the NBA, but I'm quite certain that Jimmy Snuka loved the ho's. Sure, he was a bit strange, but the man was from Tonga, you better believe he was going to be a little bit different. And then there's the fact that his nickname was "superfly." And at this point in your life, I think it should be abundantly clear that no one with the nickname superfly could possibly be gay.


3. Hulk Hogan

Anyone who has seen the show "Hogan Knows Best," knows that not only is Hogan not-gay, but Hogan is in fact the coolest man to ever live. Clearly, they have nothing to do with one another, rather I just wanted to state point blank that Hulk Hogan is one of the coolest men to ever live. Not to mention the fact that somehow, someway, he managed to produce a pretty cute daughter.


2. Junk Yard Dog
The Junk Yard Dog was definitely not gay. Far from it. The man was a thug, plain and simple. The Marcellus Wallace of the wrestling world. Or perhaps he was its Ben Wallace.

Sure he originally had Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust," as his theme music , but he quickly wised up and switched it so that they would blare George Clinton's "Atomic Dog," every time he entered the ring. The man was funky.


1. George "The Animal" Steele
If somehow George "The Animal" Steele is revealed as being gay, I will be forced to re-examine every thought I have ever had, every word that I have ever written, every time that I was certain that the color of the sky was indeed blue. Even the concept of gravity will have to be re-evaluated and given a second look.

Be it his vast forrest of body hair, his incredible lack of concern for aesthetic appearence or the fact that he used to bite the posts in the corner of the ring, George "The Animal" Steele, screams "not gay." However, if you were going to make a list of the "10 Wrestlers You Watched when you were a kid that are probably insane, this is where another list would begin.

P.S.
This list is not meant to offend gay people or professional wrestlers. I have no idea if any of these men are in fact gay. However, I do have the idea that they are all very large. Much more so than me. Therefore, I am only joking. Except for the part about Brutus "The Barber," Beefcake.

31 Comments:

At 4:42 AM, Blogger Nate said...

When Earthquake sat on Hulk Hogan I was just heartbroken. I think Hogan was every kids hero...

You know who the real guys that weren't gay are??? Anyone from NWA or any of the southern run organizations. Rick Flair, Arn Anderson, and the rest of the Horsemen were definitely not gay. But then again, Dusty Rhodes probably was and he orginated from the NWA. I guess anytime you have grown as men dressing up in flamboyant outfits for a living there is a chance that they might be gay.

You knew the JYD was a thug because anyone that has "Thump" on the back of their pants has to be halfway tough. I mean doesn't that just scream street cred?

Andre the Giant was also definitely not gay. That's one French dude that I would never fuck with.

 
At 7:05 AM, Blogger Ian said...

On name alone, Tugboat should be included. And the fact that he tag-teamed with Akeem, who definitely looked like Vito Spatafore...

Anyways, this is unbelievable. Your traffic will skyrocket off this.

 
At 11:54 AM, Blogger Joey said...

My entire blog might become a tribute to this post. This is, like, next-level shit.

 
At 12:53 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Andre the Giant definitely made the list of people that weren't gay, he just wasn't top five, the others who just barely missed out were Yokuzuna and the Iran Sheik. Though I almost had the iRon Sheik as being probably gay just to do this whole "Iran hates the gays" and the poor Iron Sheik had to flee.

Question I've always wondered: were tugboat and earthquake the same person?

 
At 1:52 PM, Blogger Nate said...

No they weren't the same person. But if I recall, Tug Boat pulled a Judas, turned his back on Hogan and became the Avalanche. Earthquake and the Avalanche formed the Natural Disasters. They basically sat on people for a living.

 
At 1:58 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

That's a good gig.

 
At 2:30 PM, Anonymous matt said...

Again we are reminded of the visual medium's power of reinforcing. Kudos on bringing to light an oft thought about, rarely talked about taboo plaguing our society today...

 
At 2:39 PM, Anonymous dan said...

this is incredible. wonderful wonderful work. The photos alone had my laughing. While I watched my occasional wrestling match as a child, it is good to know that I havent been influenced too much for the "dark side" of pro wrestling.

 
At 2:40 PM, Anonymous matt a said...

amendment to earlier comment:
actually Razor Ramon was know to cut quite a few cakes in his day, rumors of his pastry and sweets slicing torched through the towns and mini-malls of America only to be one-uped recently by the exclusive release of 'The Rockers' photo on this blog.

 
At 2:49 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

If you think this is their dark side you've gotta read their bios. Hell, about 90 percent of them were dead or had been in jail multiple times by the age of 45. Proving once again why Hulk Hogan always will be my role model.

 
At 3:32 PM, Blogger Nate said...

Yeah Hogan is about the only normal one...Crazy, huh?

 
At 3:33 PM, Blogger Nate said...

Razor Ramon oozed machizmo...or in other words gayness!

 
At 3:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 3:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 3:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 4:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 4:37 PM, Blogger Nate said...

Jeff, you have to put up a word verification...That is the only way that dude is going to stop spamming your comments section

 
At 4:48 PM, Anonymous Steven said...

Tug-Boat became Typhoon if I am not mistaken but he did team up with Earthquake. Also, I would have to add the Heart Foundation as being a fabulously gay duo. And not gay, definitely the Legion of Doom. Hawk and Animal with their "black hole"esque sholder pads were awesome.

 
At 4:55 PM, Blogger Nate said...

Steve,

You are quite correct. He did become the Typhoon. Although they wore pink, I just don't see the Hart Foundation as being gay. Especially the Anvil. And where does the Ultimate Warrior Stand in all of this? Someone please email this blog to Vince McMahon

 
At 4:56 PM, Anonymous Steven said...

we have another one folks:

Greg "the hammer" valentine. Come on, It just screams gay. And to top it off he formed a tag-team with Brutus "the barber" to form the "dream team".

 
At 5:29 PM, Anonymous Sandro said...

Where the hell were those damn Christian Evangelists when you need them?

 
At 6:59 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

The Ultimate Warrior may have been gay, but there wasn't enough verification on that to have put him on the list. Though anyone with the name Jim Hellwig is probably not gay.
The Hart foundation did wear Pink but didn't Neidhart play for the raiders which would probably also make him not gay. Bret Hart prolly bi-curious though.

And sorry for all the annoying spam..comment verification is now up on the blog.

 
At 1:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

watch this video of the iron sheik, and you'll change your mind on the no homo question.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9K-wEUCCvE0

 
At 3:57 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

I really have nothing to say other than that was one of the most amazingly bizarre five minutes of interview I've ever seen in my life. Who knew the Iron Sheik hated Michael Jackson so much? And did he really need to mention four different times how he wanted to fuck Brian Blair in the ass. Wow. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. That was incredible.

 
At 4:24 PM, Anonymous Steven said...

why does the sheik need to break his back to fuck him in the ass? and did he say he didn't do it for jesus? i am so rattled right now I don't even know where to start.

 
At 4:49 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Since when did the Iron Sheik stop being Muslim? And how do Vince McMahon and Jesus have anything to do with one another....these are questions that the Sheik must answer. If we e-mail him at bw@bostonwrestling.com he claims he takes fan mail. Alright so who's writing it. i call not it.

 
At 2:21 PM, Blogger CrimeNotes said...

Adorable Adrian Adonis and Leapin' Lanny Poffo are strong contenders as well. Who knew the WWF set the stage for gay marriage?

Unrelatedly, Nikolai Volkoff is running for the Maryland legislature.

 
At 6:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I met Jake the Snake once. He came to give the devotional message for the launching night of my (southern baptist) youth group's annual canoe trip. I was about 15 years old. It was not a little surreal. He did not bring his Snake to the campground.

Wrestling was very big in my small (pop. 650) midwestern town. In sixth grade we spent every afternoon study hall (with the amazing Miss Bombal) watching the Wrestlemania which featured the Ultimate Warrior and Hulk Hogan. We sat in the darkened room with our plastic and metal schoolchairs in a semi circle around the glowing TV. Our hands clutched the edge of our notebooks. Our eyes were wide and bright, in total awe of the sweat and muscle and power.

 
At 2:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How can you or any of the people leaving comments NOT think that is not offensive to gay people? It's all just fun and games, right? Wrong.

 
At 4:55 PM, Blogger heather said...

1. I would like to ask Razor Ramon to button that top button. He thinks he can just sneak it by, but I noticed. And shuddered.

2. Super Mario 3 *WAS* the pinnacle of all human creativity. I can still hear the sound it made when Mario would fly. I spent a good portion of the summer between 7th and 8th grade playing that game.

3. Where can I get pants like Ravishing Rick Rude? i think those would look really good on me.

 
At 3:46 PM, Anonymous g.u.i.n.d.o.n. said...

Yo !

I am French Canadian and I found your blog while searching for a Jay-Z song (TakeOver).Your post about the Rougeau's really made me laugh. (for real..!)

But your forgot Dusty Rhodes ! He was definitely gay.

also, do you think One-Man Gang & Akeem were the same guy?

 

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