No Holds Barred: The 10 Wrestlers You Watched When You Were A Kid That are Probably Gay
In the half-decade from about 1986-1991, you probably wouldn't have found a bigger professional wrestling fan on the planet than me, as my love of wrestling led me to to beg my grandfather to order nearly every Wrestlemania, Survival Series, Summer Slam and Royal Rumble that came on the air. This wrestling hysteria wasn't just relegated to quarterly pay-per-view events, indeed every monday night was spent watching Prime Time Wrestling on the USA network, featuring a spate of wrestling matches and incisive commentary from wrestling luminaries, Gorrilla Monsoon and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.
But there was more to my wrestling obsession than mere viewing habits. I was an active subscriber to WWF magazine, attended several wrestling matches and proudly owned not just every collectible wrestling action figure, but owned the WWF wrestling ring as well. Wrestling was not just a passing interest in my life. Rather I almost felt as though my self-worth were somehow tied up in the exploits of my favorite wrestler, Hulk Hogan. An avowed Hulkamaniac, I said my prayers, ate my vitamins and asked my parents regularly if we could go to Venice Beach so that I could meet the Hulk (he claimed it was his hometown). When Hulk Hogan was injured in a match against Earthquake, I even wrote him a get-well letter.
Of course, my obsession with wrestling not so coincidentally dove-tailed with my early grade school years. There wasn't much I knew about life at that time. I wasn't aware that Arnold and Willis' biological father wasn't and couldn't be Mr. Drummond on the show Diff'rent Strokes. I believed Super Mario Bros. 3 would always be the pinnacle of human creativity on the planet earth. I even believed that Steve Urkel was funny. Yet out of everything, one of the most glaringly obvious things that I never picked up on when I was a kid was that a good many of the professional wrestlers myself and thousands of American kids idolized might've been homosexuals (not that there's anything wrong with that). While it can't exactly be verified, I'm willing to wager that more than a few of these wrestlers happened to empathize with Will Ferrell's character in "The Ladies Man," in that their wives would never be able to understand their "passion for Greco-Roman wrestling."
And in the spirit of the revisionist history so popular these days in academia, I think that the characters of the WWF need a bit of revisionist history of their own. After all, this was the sport whose first big superstar was named "Gorgeous George." With that in mind, I present the 10 Wrestlers You Watched When You Were A Kid That are Probably Gay.
10. Razor Ramon
Why is Razor Ramon probably gay? Look at this picture and you tell me. Was it his reluctance to talk all the time about "chicos?" I'm not quite sure, but something tells me that there are only two ways to get the nickname "Razor Ramon," and I'm pretty sure that Razor Ramon wasn't a master at cutting coke.
Whether it's his jheri curl or the fact that he was voted "Most Likely to Be Seen in a Speedo on a Beach in Puerto Rico" with Ricky Martin, but something always seemed to be a little queer about the artist formerly known as Razor Ramon.
Oh yeah, and then there's the fact that it has been reported that Razor Ramon has been arrested 16 times in a 13 month span for everything from drunk and disorderly conduct to assault. His span of arrests has ranged from taking a swing at a nightclub patron who insulted him) to kicking in the door of a cab while intoxicated.
Someone needs to please inform Razor Ramon that it is 2006 and we live in an infinitely more tolerant society than the one in which he grew up in. If someone like Tom Cruise can come out of the closet than so can he. There's no need for him to be so self-loathing and angry. There is no shame in being yourself. Oh wait, what's that...Tom Cruise never came out of the closet. Damn it. There goes my whole point. Next.
9. Randy "The Macho Man" Savage
Sure, one might point out the Macho Man's dalliances with Miss Elizabeth, his "supposed" wife with whom he claimed to have two boys. Admittedly, Miss Elizabeth was a babe . However, every list of closeted professional wrestlers would inevitably involve one of them using a Beard. I believe the Macho Man is that man.
Don't believe me? Well, then ask yourself why he ditched Miss Elizabeth for the obviously less attractive Sensational Sherri. Click on those two links and you ask yourself which one you'd rather be with. Besides this obvious clue, there's that strange beard that no man would dare grow to attract women, there's his clearly flamboyant wrestling attire, and there's his name itself: "Macho Man." Hint: naming yourself after a Village People song does nothing to burnish your heterosexual credentials. In fact, it's clearly shedding light on an obvious reality.
And don't even get me started on his predilection and constant need for a "slim jim."
8. Big John Studd
If this picture doesn't convince you (hint Big John Studd is the one that isn't Andre the Giant) then his name should: Big John Studd. The word studd has been used exactly 173 times since 1989. All 173 references somehow involve gay pornography. While this is a rather unscientfic assertion, ask yourself who would willingly opt for the name Big John Studd.
Then there was his constant aspiration to have a theater career, as good ol' BJ had roles in such cinematic classics as "Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man," "The Marrying Man," and the dead give-a-way "Beauty and the Beast."
Last of all, his patented finishing move was the "reverse bear hug." Do I really need to say more?
7. Ravishing Rick Rude
Never before has anyone loved to blow kisses as much as Ravishing Rick Rude. No one.
Then there was the fact that he regularly delivered quotes like this "What I'd like to have right now is for all you fat, out of shape, inner-city sweathogs to keep the noise down while I take my robe off and show you what a real sexy man is supposed to look like."
I'm not exactly sure what that meant, but I'm pretty sure that anyone who refers to himself as "a real sexy man," is having an identity crisis. Of course, in the case of Rude, such an identity crisis is much easier to spot when one makes gyrations and thrusts at a crowd.
When you throw in all these things, with his penchant for wearing airbrushed spandex tights of all the colors of the rainbow, people start to wonder. And fast.
6. Jake "The Snake" Roberts
Speaking of asking questions, what sorts of questions does one really have about a guy who handles his snake more than a Catholic Priest around a seven year-old boy (joke to be followed by a Ed McMahon-esque "heah-yo" or the phrase "knuck, knuck, knuck."
One could argue that having Alice Cooper in his corner at Wrestlemania III certainly would do a lot to improve Robert's odds of getting off this list. Then again, there was his difficulty in keeping his wife, Cheryl satisfied, as she was continually tempted by other men, including none other than Ravishing Rick Rude. Either Jake was seriously using that snake to overcompensate OR he was having difficulties grappling with some serious questions aboutwhy he had decided to make rolling around on a mat with other men a profession. Either way, Jake the Snake was probably gay.
5. The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers
First, there's the fact that the Fabulous Rougeau brothers were French Canadian and while I think very highly of Canadians, I immediately question the manliness of the average French male, considering that I could probably round up four guys off of your average Junior High School playground, arm them with rifles and we could probably have captured the Bastille in about 16 minutes.
Second, there's the fact that these two actually took the picture above, which I'd be actually willing to analyze if I could get over the damage that the retina-searing image of the Rougeaus in sequin jackets and blue underwear has done to my poor eyes.
Third, there's the fact that they actually include the word "fabulous," in their name. Apparently, the name the "flaming Rougeau Brothers," was taken by a caberet act in Paris.
4. The Rockers
Sometimes, a picture really is worth a thousand words.
3. The Bushwhackers
Yeah, Luke and Butch might've wanted you to believe that they were some down-home rough and rugged New Zealand retards, but the truth is anything but. Google them and you'll quickly be hard-pressed to find any photo of the two of them without their hands all over each other. These two are brothers all right, but not in the way that they present themselves to the world.
Then there's the fact that they include the root word "whacker," in their name. This is the most blatant veiled hinting at sexuality since the Whacking Day holiday on the Simpsons. Plus, you factor in that Luke and Butch loved nothing more than biting and licking themselves and others and you come to the conclusion that the Bushwhackers were probably gay. And then you think that his name was Butch and the word probably seems increasingly unneccesary.
2. Hillbilly Jim
Have Zed from Pulp Fiction and Hillbilly Jim ever been spotted at the same time? Probably not. Because in all likelihood, they're the same person. Is it too much of a stretch of the imagination to picture Hillbilly Jim having retired from wrestling and opening up a pawn shop where he keeps a leather gimp in the basement. I don't think so.
Having learned from The People Vs. Larry Flynt that all people from Appalachia are sexual deviants, I have little doubt that Hillbilly Jim is not only gay, but harbors a variety of sick and twisted sexual festishes, making him probably Tarantino's inspiration for the Zed character.
You might be wondering why Hillbilly Jim appears so low on this list, behind such flamboyant characters like The Rockers and Ravishing Rick Rude, especially in light of the fact that at first glance, a set of overalls would seem to be quite a conservative wrestling outfit. A good point, but one must take into account Hillbilly Jim's southern upbringing. Such garish displays of one's sexuality are simply not tolerated in less progressive regions. Which again would explain why Hillbilly Jim felt the burning compulsion to move to Los Angeles and open up a pawn shop/sex dungeon.
1. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake
Rule #1: Unless your name is Warren Beatty and we're talking about the movie, "Shampoo," I'm hard-pressed to believe in a male hair stylist's heterosexuality. And don't try telling me about Jonathan Antin from "Blow Out," and how he claims he's straight. I'm not buying it.
But at least Antin was smart about it, he didn't give himself a nickname as flamboyantly homosexual as BRUTUS "THE BARBER" BEEFCAKE. Think about it. Every single component of this man's nickname is clearly laced with innuedo.
I mean, this man had such a jones to cut hair that he snipped locks of it from every single one of his defeated opponents. And god knows what he did with that hair. I'd hate to see his apartment. And then there's his stunning resemblence to Lance Bass, which while not actually not doing anything concrete to prove his homosexuality, doesn't exactly help to disprove it either.
You throw in the clippers, the frayed clothing, the zebra patterns and you know that Brutus likes beef cake. A lot.
And for a bonus round, I will also present to you the 5 WWF Wrestlers that probably weren't gay.
5. Kamala the Ugandan Giant
You try calling this man gay. C'mon. Just try it.
4. Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka
A lot of people questioned Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka's sexuality. And by a lot of people I mean Nate Jones On the NBA, but I'm quite certain that Jimmy Snuka loved the ho's. Sure, he was a bit strange, but the man was from Tonga, you better believe he was going to be a little bit different. And then there's the fact that his nickname was "superfly." And at this point in your life, I think it should be abundantly clear that no one with the nickname superfly could possibly be gay.
3. Hulk Hogan
Anyone who has seen the show "Hogan Knows Best," knows that not only is Hogan not-gay, but Hogan is in fact the coolest man to ever live. Clearly, they have nothing to do with one another, rather I just wanted to state point blank that Hulk Hogan is one of the coolest men to ever live. Not to mention the fact that somehow, someway, he managed to produce a pretty cute daughter.
2. Junk Yard Dog
The Junk Yard Dog was definitely not gay. Far from it. The man was a thug, plain and simple. The Marcellus Wallace of the wrestling world. Or perhaps he was its Ben Wallace.
Sure he originally had Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust," as his theme music , but he quickly wised up and switched it so that they would blare George Clinton's "Atomic Dog," every time he entered the ring. The man was funky.
1. George "The Animal" Steele
If somehow George "The Animal" Steele is revealed as being gay, I will be forced to re-examine every thought I have ever had, every word that I have ever written, every time that I was certain that the color of the sky was indeed blue. Even the concept of gravity will have to be re-evaluated and given a second look.
Be it his vast forrest of body hair, his incredible lack of concern for aesthetic appearence or the fact that he used to bite the posts in the corner of the ring, George "The Animal" Steele, screams "not gay." However, if you were going to make a list of the "10 Wrestlers You Watched when you were a kid that are probably insane, this is where another list would begin.
P.S. This list is not meant to offend gay people or professional wrestlers. I have no idea if any of these men are in fact gay. However, I do have the idea that they are all very large. Much more so than me. Therefore, I am only joking. Except for the part about Brutus "The Barber," Beefcake.