He Used to Love H.E.R.
Remember Eminem? I don't. But apparently, he was this rapper guy who starting in 1999 was supposedly considered really really relevant to music and he released some album called The Slim Shady LP which allegedly changed the landscape of rap music forever. And I guess now that I mention it, I seem to recall really really really liking it and I was sure that this new rapper had the artistic bona fides that the genre seemed to be sorely lacking.
Oh, but then I guess he released this Marshall Mathers LP which was solid but not amazing but it had a couple of really good songs too and one of them was offensive to gay people, which stirred up some sort of huge international outcry. But then, he proved that he didn't hate gay people because he sang a song with Elton John at the Grammy's. Obviously he wasn't homophobic because nobody who hated gay people could stand to be around them for three minutes. So that proved it and everyone was happy and the media was very happy about it too. Because now they had a rapper to love who was socially conscious and the girls even liked him too. He was on TRL a lot OMG(Lol).
And then a few years later, he released a CD called the Eminem Show which every critic really said was brilliant and told you had to love it or else you weren't aware of the complexity and nuance of Eminem's personality. Because its really hard to be rich, famous and beloved, dammnit! Why weren't you being sympathetic? Luckily, everyone WAS sympathetic and they really loved the Eminem Show....
Actually they kind of sort of didn't because no one has actually listened to it since it came out and most people will bludgeon you if you play "Without Me," at a party. But it was okay and then this whole 8 mile movie came out and Eminem became a movie star and he didn't exactly say goodbye to Hollywood. And then he was A List.
But now comes the sad part for this Eminem fellow, because by this point he had nothing left to say anymore. He'd already written about what it was like growing up white and poor and how much he hated his wife but how much he loved his daughter. But it was okay because by now Eminem had a new friend and his name was 50 Cent and the two of them were ever so close and 50 Cent helped teach Eminem how to rap "gangsta," and Eminem taught 50 Cent...well what did Eminem teach 50 Cent? And at this time, Eminem and his wife Kim broke up and everyone was very sad because what would Eminem have to rap about? I'm not sure. I don't think I listened to his album more than once. What was it called Standing Ovation? One More Time? Who cares? It had a song called Big Weenie on it, a song called Ass Like That and a song called Puke. And I guess it turns out that this Eminem chap didn't really change hip hop very much. In fact, it probably got worse after 1999 when that Slim Shady deal came out.
But about 82 days ago, Eminem got married again to Kim. Oh boy! Now maybe he'd have something to say now, some people said. Maybe. This could be great. But alas, not so great. 82 days later, they got a divorce. OMG :(
But luckily, here at the Passion of the Weiss, we have a world-breaking exclusive of the drama that developed behind the scenes of the troubled Mathers marriage. I now present to you the last days of Kim and Marshall:
Eminem: Yo bitch, don't come around up in my house shooting heroin around my daughter. I thought you'd gone to rehab. I'm gonna stab you and throw you in a lake. No wait, even better yet, I'm gonna' stomp you with my Air Force Ones.
Kim: Oh Marshall, it's so cute when you talk like that, but not even I believe you anymore. You've been saying this for years. You aren't gonna' chop my body and drive it into the lake. Maybe like in 1999 this would've scared me...a little. But this is 2006. Get with the times.
Eminem: Whatever bitch. You make me wanna puke. If you think I can be your superman, I can't. Where's Mariah?
Kim: No, Marshall. I didn't want you to be my superman. I just wanted to marry you without a pre-nup again and take all of your money. Didn't you see that one coming. Everyone else did!!"
Eminem: No!!! I'm gonna' just lose it. AH Ah AH!!
Kim: Speaking of which Marshall, when we first got back together, I thought that you'd be the old Eminem, the one everyone used to love. The one who said things that surprised me or made me laugh. Now you're so predictable. Watch, you're probably gonna' say something about how you can't stand having all these fans or about all the AK-47s or Desert Eagles you have. Who do you think you are? No one believes that you're a gangster. Why do you insist on talking like Snoop Dogg?
Eminem: Look bitch, I got AK's stack...whatever, bitch. You don't understand. 50 Cent and D-Twizie taught me how to get bizzee.
Kim: Look Marshall, I didn't want to bring it up but I don't believe that you and 50 are just rapping inside that studio.
Eminem: Don't you ever talk about what we do up there on that mountain...I mean that recording studio. Goddamn it, bitch!!! We fish!!! I mean we rap!!
Kim: I know you're lying Marshall. I can see it in your eyes. C'mon Marshall, it's me Kim. I always know when you're lying. Like that time when you knew that bitch in gym class that was too fat to swim laps and you told me that she clearly needed slim fast. I knew you were lying the whole time. I saw it in your eyes.
Eminem: (breaks down and begins crying): Damnit Kim, it's just, it's this thing with me and Curtis...I mean me and 50...it's just if this thing takes a hold of us at the wrong time it could ruin our careers. It's just that us boys sure found a way to make the time pass up there. We weren't gettin' paid to leave the dogs babysittin' the sheep while you stem the rose. I don't know what that means. I just felt like saying it.
Kim: Uh...Marshall, I was just joking. But now that you're actually serious, I think I want a divorce. This marriage is over. Again.
Eminem: I'll tell you what, we coulda had a good life together! Fuckin' real good life! Had us a place of our own. But I didn't want it, Kim! So what me and 50 got now is Brokeback Mountain! I mean 8 Mile. I mean, I don't know any more! Everything's built on that! That's all we got, that's fuckin' all and if you can't understand then so be it. I need to be with him all the time. This marriage isn't working for me either. I can't make it on a coupla high-altitude fucks once or twice a year! It's too much for me, Kim. I wish I knew how to quit him.
Kim: Seek help Marshall. Seek help. Now are you going to give me access to the joint bank account or am I gonna' to have to get permission from your lawyer Paul Rosenberg to take half of what's mine?