The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Teenager Sues Myspace

In an unprecedented case in the realm of online social networking, Mission Viejo teenager Austin St. Claire, has sued for false advertising, claiming that contrary to popular belief, Myspace is NOT a place for friends.

Austin has been subjected to unbelievable amounts of mental anguish, thanks to this insidious plot being waged upon us by News Corp.,” St. Claire’s attorney, Noah Mandelbaum said. “When he contracted into a deal to be a member of the Myspace online community, he was promised that Myspace would be a safe haven where he could develop nurturing and caring relationships. Sadly, the reality has been anything but.”

According to Mandelbaum, the 18-year old St. Claire had been a normal teenager until getting lured into what he deemed, “the greatest time suck since the ancient Greeks invented philosophy.”

“It’s not like I went into Myspace expecting to have my life turned topsy-turvy, just maybe to meet some girls and reunite with people I’d lost touch with.” St. Clair said having been instructed by his attorney that “topsy-turvy” is a good word. “They promised me a place for friends. I haven’t met any friends. I’ve just been messaged by a bunch of shitty bands. How am I supposed to be friends with a band if they can’t even play a note.”

But St. Clair added that the constant pressures from having to decide whether or not to add a band or not were the not the only reasons for his psychic strain.

“It’s tough,” St. Clair admitted. “At first, I added a bunch of really hot girls in bikinis and everything was going great, but then it seemed like other girls that didn’t have photos of themselves in bikinis were intimidated or something by all the hot girls I was friends with. I mean, if they can’t handle that Tila Tequila and I are such close friends than I probably wouldn’t want to date them anyway.” founder Tom Anderson was unavailable to comment, but issued a written statement about the case.

“Somebody needs to tell Austin St. Claire to mind his f****-ing business. He needs to shut up. We’ve got a good thing going on here over at Myspace and he needs to ruin everything,” Anderson wrote. “What’s wrong with him? Does he not understand the concept of metaphor? It’s not “really a space for friends.” Besides, it’s not our fault that he doesn’t have any game.”

But according to St. Claire, the suit has nothing to do with money and everything to do with dashed dreams.

"I went to Myspace for the purity. For the love. For the fact that I could customize my page with Thomas' Myspace Editor V3.2b and believe that it expressed my individuality to the full depths of my soul," St. Claire said. "Sadly, that reality is no longer true. If only it were a place for friends then perhaps I wouldn't have had to sue. But what's done is done. I'm trying to look at things on the bright side. After all, deleting my Myspace account actually spurred me to go to College. That way I can get a Facebook account. I wouldn't have known how else to live."


At 3:34 AM, Blogger Nate said...

Thanks for the gesture of anonymity, but you and I both know that Austin St. Claire from Mission Viejo is really Nate Jones from Los Angeles. What can I say; I just couldn't handle all of the social pressures that come a long with a place like myspace. It was like high school all over again. I mean picking and choosing who put in my top 8. And then the agony of not being in all of my "friends" top 8s. Oh the pain...Oh the agony. It was all too much to handle. All I wanted to be able to do (besides solicit sex from under age girls) is to stalk my x-girlfriends. And after they all blocked me I wasn’t even able to do that. A place for friends my ass. Tom sold me a bunch of crap. That is why I deleted my page. Now like any red blooded American that feels dooped, I am getting my revenge in a court of law. You're going down Tom. Down I say!

At 4:49 PM, Anonymous Matt a said...

I've just devised a brilliant little scheme to make Myspace a nurturing nest of love. When I join(i'm still living in '03 and am just happy Y2k was all 'hype') I will simultaneously create Eight other pages with fictitious friends containing all sorts of pictures, music and topical information. Then, Me and my faux-spacers will all be in each others top 8! A true win-win!

At 5:42 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Nate did you really have to spoil it for everyone and while he's at it, I may as well admit I'm Noah Mandelbaum the greedy Jewy attorney.

Nate, you'd should've just gotten all scheming like Matt. He knows how to dupe the masses.

At 12:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Would you expect anything less from Orange County?

At 4:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank you for dropping the word "topsy-turvy." this is now my new favorite word and i will use it with reckless abandon, not only in my daily life but also with my frequent free-styling...

At 6:12 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

From Orange County, I would expect nothing less than Pick Up Trucks, Roxy and yes, desolate myspacers.

As for the word topsy's pretty much the new "bling".


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