The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Monday, March 20, 2006

McConaughey Says He Will Continue to Ignore The Masses

Despite his utter inability to connect with mainstream America, actor Matthew McConaughey is adament that he will not be discouraged by his lack of box office success, and will continue to make movies with integrity.

"America's tough to please," the self-described "wacky actor," said. "I guess they don't "get" the brand of zany humor that I and only I possess. What am I supposed to do, just make movies that everyone can enjoy? I act because it is the form of art that I choose to practice. And if some housewife in Des Moines, Iowa finds the version of reality presented in "Failure to Launch" too bleak, then that's her problem."

Critics have pointed out that McConaughey hasn't exactly failed to connect with middle America, as his latest film "Failure to Launch" debuted at number #1 with a stellar first weekend gross of $24.5 million. Most contend that McConaughey is too dense to understand that this is objectively good.

"Whatever, $24.5 million, big deal. I don't care about how much I'm paid. I don't care how much my films make. I care about changing lives," McConaughey passionately declared. "Do you know how many people's lives were altered because of my movie "The Wedding Planner?" Do you know how many women became Wedding Planners because of that film? Do you know how many men became doctors so they could snare attractive women like J. Lo. The number is flabbergasting."

McConaughey admitted that he used the word flabbergasting because he didn't know an exact number and it sounded like a good placeholder. He also admitted that he didn't know what the word flabbergasting means.

"My vocabulary might not be large," the witty Texan said. "But I'll tell you what is large. My heart. And to me there is nothing finer than a witty deconstruction of our social mores done in the form of the 90 minute romantic comedy. There's nothing better. What's going to happen? Which man is the woman going to pick? The suspense is enough to kill a person."

Mike Dupree, the director of "The Wedding Planner" confimred that McConaughey is different from many of the other thespians that he has worked with in the past.

"He is truly an actor's actor," Dupree said. "Most of the other thespians that I have worked with are only interested in collecting their paychecks, but Matthew is interested in art. Not art like just your average good movie, but art in the highest sense. He is the Leonardo Da Vinci of the silver screen, though he hasn't designed an elaborate code....yet!"

As for his upcoming role in "Dear Deliah,", McConaughey will play America's most widely read female advice columnist, Deliah. And Deliah has a secret -- she's a he. By day, he produces a male-oriented cable television show; by night, he doles out sage sisterly advice under a pseudonym. [Ed. Note: This is actually true. I swear]

McConaughey claims that "Dear Deliah," will be his greatest role yet.

"When theatergoers see me as Deliah, it's safe to say that everyone will drop to their knees and venerate me as the greatest actor who ever lived," McConaughey said. "You might think this film is similar to my other ones in that yes, it is a romantic comedy, but it's totally different. This time, I'll be in drag. I'm not that familiar with film history but I believe this is the first time this has ever been done. And no one can fill out a pair of panty house like me. No one! Not like I'd know or anything."


At 7:24 PM, Blogger amphimacer said...

Everybody loves a romantic comedy! I can't get enough of them! And Matthew McWhateverhisnameis has my vote as the most of the mostly most. Wasn't he in a John Sayles picture once? Was that a mistake?

At 8:56 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

I'm not sure if he was in a John Sayles film, but as for me I can't wait until he does Kenneth Branaugh.

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