The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Who's That? It's Pat

Following the unprecedented success of rapper Kanye West, executives from Sony/BMG music have decided to sign firebrand evangelical leader, Pat Robertson, to a three-album deal. The first album from the deal, Robertson's rap music debut, "Real Motherfucking Saviors" is slated to drop on March 11 and has already taken the rap world by storm.

"Yo, I just peeped Pat's flow on the Kay Slay Remix and it was motherfucking bananas," long-time rap music veteran Funkmaster Flex said. "He knows what it takes to build a buzz on the circuit. Lots of motherfuckers be sayin' some crazy shit, but ain't no one gonna' top Pat Robertson. He makes the Game look like a Sunday-School teacher."

Indeed, Robertson's knack for drawing controversy from his sometimes incendiary statements attracted the attention of Sony/BMG brass, eager to promote another rhyme-slinger with a eye on stirring things up.

"When I first heard his demo, I said to myself, this is a man who knows his rap music. You might not think he is familiar with 'the game,' but he certainly could've taught that Tupac Shakur fellow a thing or two," Andrew Goldstein, the vice-president of A&R at Sony/BMG said. "When Kanye West's sales shot up after his controversial comments about George Bush, my boss said to me, 'Andrew find me the next Kanye. Or you're fired!' And I think the messiah that the rap world has been waiting for is here."

According to sources close to the album, Robertson's targets include an array of figures well-known throughout the worlds of music, politics and religion. People said to be lampooned include the Reverend Jerry Falwell, Hugo Chavez, Ariel Sharon, Howard Dean, Oprah, limousine liberals, Jews, the international whaling industry, Creed, Shakira, 50 Cent, Cam'Ron, and Mira Sorvino.

"Now I don't exactly have a reputation for staying quiet," the perpetually incensed Robertson admitted. "But it's time that I stepped up my efforts. Lots of people are talking shit and I'm gonna' bring the fire and brimstone, old-school style. People better be ducking their heads. Fuck the Wu-Tang, I'm bringing the ruckus!"

The rap world has long celebrated controversial figures. From Chuck D of Public Enemy to Tupac Shakur to Eminem to 50 Cent to Kanye West, the number of albums sold often correlates to the controversy that a rapper can generate. And Robertson has been no stranger to drama, as just month, his comments about the reasons behind Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke rouses the ire of prominent figures across the globe\.

"I mean sure, his comments were a bit inappropriate," Goldstein admitted. "But that's what you have to expect with a talented artist like Pat. He's going to say what's on his mind. It's that devil-may-care attitude of his that makes him so damned compelling."

Goldstein also mentioned that Sony has planned a major promotional kick for Robertson over the next month. He said that Rolling Stone has already scheduled a photo shoot for a cover story on the evangelist turned rapper. Though Goldstein declined to confirm it, rumors have been flying that Robertson will be shown as Jesus on the cover of the magaazine.

But Robertson hasn't just been attracting fans on the mix-tape circuit and from music industry executives, as some of the biggest names in the rap world have been drawn to his bold flows and insatiable appetite for battling.

"Pat's the real deal," multi-platinum selling rapper Kanye West said. "I've been producing some of the tracks on his album and I think it's safe to say that this the best project I've ever been a part of. We really bonded over our mutual admiration of God and the chemistry between the two of us is just really off the hook. Wait till you hear him and I on the 'Jesus Walks Remix.' Next year at the Grammy's, people are gonna be sayin' 'yo dog who's that?' And the only response will be, 'it's Pat!"

Robertson himself admitted that his new album will showcase a different, even-more confrontational side of him.

"I think that people who only know me from the 700 Club will really be surprised by this album. The beats are hot, the flow is hot, but at the same time you're getting to see the world the way Pat Robertson sees it," Robertson said. "Sinners and rappers best be checking themselves lest they wreck themselves. There's a new sheriff in town and he ain't taking any hostages. I'm just gonna' come out shooting motherfuckers. It's on like John 3:16, bitches!"


At 11:08 PM, Anonymous A Voice From Behind the Orange Curtain said...

It's funny, I can NEVER get enough Pat Robertson. I CAN'T WAIT for the release date!


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