The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Look At Me! I'm Hip I'm Cool!


The Grammys remind me of that scene in Austin Powers when Dr. Evil desperately tries to convince his son, Scott that he's not out-of-touch. So in a last ditch effort to prove his coolness, he says, "Hey, I'm hip, I'm Cool, Tukka, Tukka, Tukka, Tukka, Hey!!!" all while futilely trying to dance the Macarena.

Of course, when Dr. Evil tried to prove his "hipness" via a Spanish language dance sensation (seriously, wtf!) the dance had been out of vogue for at least two years. Essentially, every year the Grammy's consist of nothing more than a bunch of out of touch record executives vainly trying to be trendy and show to the world exactly how on the ball they are. My point is that both the Macarena and The Grammys are nothing more than the sum of older people's ideas of what young people think is cool. Of course, I'd rather hear the soothing warblings of Los Del Rio's "Macarena" any day than have to hear the latest U2 album, but I'll get there, just wait.

Now I didn't bother watching the actual ceremony on television. I'd rather blow my brains out than have to sit through three hours of atrocious music performances and insipid acceptance speeches. After all, the list of performers generally read like a list I might've compiled of all the most overrated musicians of all time: U2, Kanye West, Coldplay, Madonna, Springsteen. I'm surprised that Paul Simon didn't perform, that would've just made the night complete. And for all this hype, all this money spent on a lavish ceremony and the various pre-parties and after-parties, the viewers tune in to watch awards chosen by a group of people who seem like the types that enjoy going to Club Med and dancing the electric slide at the club discotheque every night. The kinds of people who still use the word discotheque.

But when push comes to shove, you can't really expect Grammy voters to be too much on the cutting edge (whatever the fuck that is). There are plenty of awards that actually honor talented musicians, The Plug Awards, The Mercury Award, and the BET Awards (okay not so much there). But you can expect them to do a little better than how things turned out. And since I'm a music obsessive, I now present, The Passion of the Weiss' selective analysis of this year's Grammy awards.

Record of the Year:
"We Belong Together," Mariah Carey
"Feel Good Inc.," Gorillaz Featuring De La Soul"
Boulevard Of Broken Dreams," Green Day (Winner)
"Hollaback Girl," Gwen Stefani
"Gold Digger," Kanye West

In this category, Green Day took home the gold for their song, "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." I must say that this song wasn't terrible. I do like the title and it prolly was Green Day's best song since "Warning," but it still wasn't able to transcend the simple fact that every Green Day song sounds exactly the same. Hey fellas, you're professional musicians, maybe you could learn a new chord. I know you spend at least two hours a day putting on your makeup, but perhaps you could spend a minute or two trying not to sound like The Clash.

Though I find Kanye West the most overrated musician of the decade thus far, I have to say that for once I agree with him, "Golddigger" was infinitely better than all the other stuff in this category. Even though it did get played out in like five minutes.

Album of the Year
"The Emancipation Of Mimi," Mariah Carey"
Chaos And Creation In The Backyard," Paul McCartney
"Love. Angel. Music. Baby.," Gwen Stefani"
How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb," U2 (Winner)
"Late Registration," Kanye West

It stands beyond my limited powers of comprehension to understand how anyone in their right mind could make the claim that U2's "How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb," was the album of the year. All I have to say about this decision is it harkens back to an Entertainment Weekly cover I saw last year. Coldplay's tribe of soft rockers stared like befuddled cows, with a headline above them blaring, "Coldplay: Are They the Next U2?" The answer is yes. And they both suck. A lot. They make lifestyle music for H&R Block accountants to fall in love to. Any questions.

Song of the Year:
"Bless The Broken Road" (Rascal Flatts)
"Devils & Dust"Bruce Springsteen, (Bruce Springsteen)
"Ordinary People" (John Legend)
"Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own" (Winner) U2)
"We Belong Together" (Mariah Carey)

Guess who took home this award. Yeah, that's right, U fucking 2 for their bland ballad (do they do any other kind?) "Sometimes You can't Make it On Your Own." Though I must admit, the song DOES make sense. You indeed can't make it on your own. You need millions of lobotomized fans to hang onto your every word of gibberish. Nice work Grammy voters. Why don't you just name an award after Bono. He really doesn't get enough acclaim. Forget the fact that Bono WAS named "your so-called" Time Magazine's Person of the Year, I think he's completely deserving of all this acclaim.

Best New Artist:
Ciara
Fall Out Boy
Keane
John Legend (Winner)
SugarLand

John Legend took home this trophy and I'm not going to complain about that choice. Competing against Ciara, Fall Out Boy, Keane and SugarLand (what the fuck is SugarLand?), Legend was the only one in this category that might not be in the bargain bin in Amoeba Records in six months. What really annoys me is the fact that these yokels nominated Fall Out Boy. This is a band that is slated to release a song on their next album called "Gay is Not a Synonym For Shitty" (this is true, check out this week's Rolling Stone). Dear Fall Out Boy, you're right, Gay is not a synonym for Shitty. But Fall Out Boy definitely IS a synonym for shitty.

BEST POP PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP WITH VOCAL
In the words of Samuel L. Jackson in any movie he's ever been in: "Check out these mothafuckas!"
"Don't Lie," The Black Eyed Peas
"Mr. Brightside," The Killers
"More Than Love," Los Lonely Boys
"This Love," Maroon 5 (Winner)
"My Doorbell," The White Stripes

What actually surprised me about these choices is that the Grammy voters actually nominated "My Doorbell," a very excellent song and one of the best on the White Stripes' very solid "Get Behind Me Satan" album. What doesn't surprise me is that it didn't win. I'm actually going to start a petitition to change the name of this category to "Best Pop Performance by A Duo or Group Without Any Testicles." That way Maroon 5 can win every time, because there's no bigger group of pussies than Maroon 5. If there's anyone who can make me feel tough it would be Adam Levine and that bunch of clowns.

BEST SOLO ROCK VOCAL PERFORMANCE
Okay let's play SAT prep. Pick out the name that doesn't belong with the rest.

"Revolution," Eric Clapton
"Shine It All Around," Robert Plant
"Devils & Dust," Bruce Springsteen (Winner)
"This Is How A Heart Breaks," Rob Thomas
"The Painter," Neil Young

Give up? Well, then you're retarded. Because Rob Thomas belongs with the rest of these very talented musicians (yes, even though I dislike Springsteen I acknowledge that he is very talented) the way mayonnaise belongs on a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich. And for what it's worth, I totally believe those rumors about him and Tom Cruise. My evidence: listen to that guy's music. I'd believe in Nathan Lane's heterosexuality before I'd believe in Rob Thomas'.

BEST ROCK ALBUM
"X&Y," Coldplay
"In Your Honor," Foo Fighters
"A Bigger Bang," The Rolling Stones
"How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb," U2 (Winner)
"Prairie Wind," Neil Young

Ok Grammy voters, here's the deal: if you're going to nominate Neil Young for an award, you better give it to him. Why? Because he's Neil Young. I don't care how bad Neil Young gets (and he can get bad, see
"Trans" or "This Note's For You," I'll take him over U2 every time. I can't say that about the Rolling Stones, but for the love of God, even at 82 years old they make U2 seem like a bunch of 7th graders practicing in someone's basement.

BEST ALTERNATIVE MUSIC ALBUM
"Funeral," The Arcade Fire"
Guero," Beck
"Plans," Death Cab For Cutie
"You Could Have It So Much Better,"
Franz Ferdinand
"Get Behind Me Satan," The White Stripes (Winner)

I'm not going to rip on these nominations, because every one of these albums save for Death Cab's is quite good. However, Arcade Fire's album clearly stands out above the rest. Not only is it the best album of the last two years, it's probably the best album of the decade so far. And I know that this is clearly the obvious blogger statement (because we're all supposed to LOVE Sufjan Stevens and Arcade Fire), but they're an unbelievably talented band. In a just world, their name would've been substituted for Coldplay's in every single category.

BEST RAP PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP
"Don't Phunk With My Heart," The Black Eyed Peas (Winner)
"The Corner," Common Featuring The Last Poets
"Encore," Eminem Featuring Dr. Dre & 50 Cent
"Hate It Or Love It," The Game Featuring 50 Cent
"Wait (The Whisper Song)," Ying Yang Twins

Seriously, are these people smoking crack? "Don't Phunk With My Heart? What happened Grammy voters? Was "My Humps" too edgy to nominate? The best part about this category was picturing all of these staid 54 year old white men sitting in their living rooms listening to "Wait (the Whisper Song)." I can imagine them yelling to their wives cooking dinner, "Hey Honey, listen to this song. I think it's making me get jiggy!" Sorry guys, no it isn't. It definitely isn't. And if you think that the Black Eyed Peas are the new Arrested Development they aren't. They're the new Color Me Badd.

BEST RAP ALBUM
"Be," Common
"The Cookbook," Missy Elliott
"Encore," Eminem
"The Massacre," 50 Cent
"Late Registration," Kanye West (Winner)

On my list on 2005 albums, Common's CD came in #10 overall. It was an excellent work and in my opinion his best from start to finish. It definitely deserved to win this award as "Encore" was mediocre at best. "The Massacre" sounded very much like what would happen if an A&R gave a deal to a mentally retarded person. Missy Elliot is the Rosie O' Donnell of Rap (nuff' said). And as for "Late Registration," my man at the Straight Bangin' blog said it best. "Late Registration" isn't a rap album. It's an
"experimental pop music album." Period.

Better luck next time. Next year, look for the Grammy voters to decide that pop-punk is the new Grunge. I'll be sorely disappointed in Avenged Sevenfold, Hawthorne Heights and Good Charlotte don't win awards. God help us all.

2 Comments:

At 11:28 PM, Blogger Ian said...

Great stuff. I like what you've got going on here with the blog...definitely makes the rotation from here on it. I'm actually excited to read your interview with Juvie. In the near future, I get to interview Bubba Sparxxx for PopMatters. And possibly D4L. THAT will be fun.

 
At 3:10 AM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

thank you very much, It's great to see that you didn't go through with that hiatus from blogging as previously discussed. Also it was good to read about your decision to say no to being a lawyer and go into the music industry. As a fellow Hebrew with a father who would've amputated several limbs for me to have become a lawyer, I definitely understand the deal. That's cool about Bubba Sparx, you need to ask him something about farm life...I feel it's essential to ask these rappers one of the wall question...Mine came when I asked Juvenile if he had any interesting stories to tell about the song "Back That Ass Up." He said he's heard various conception stories done to that song. Which i found deeply strange.

 

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