Cheney Announces Plans To Fight In Iraq
In a stunning decision sure to reverberate across the country, Vice President Dick Cheney has announced that he will join the United States Army and help the war effort in Iraq. The 65-year old will become the oldest active soldier in the United States' fighting arsenal.
"It's something that I've wanted to do for a very long time," Cheney gruffly declared. "But I'm a perfectionist and I don't do things half-assed. I needed to make sure that my shooting ability was top notch before I shipped off to Iraq. That was the reason for my four deferments from Vietnam. I couldn't shoot straight. But now that I've mastered how to snipe away at innocent animals AND innocent trial attorneys, defeating not-so-innocent insurgents should be a piece of cake."
Cheney's quote referred to last week's incident where he "accidentally" shot millionaire attorney Harry Whittington on a hunting trip in Texas.
"That was no accident," a surprisingly forthright Cheney admitted. "Harry was helping me prepare. Sure, Iraq's in the last throes of the insurgency but you're damned right that we understand how serious the matter is. Harry's a true patriot and he wanted to take some bullets for the country. My ability to hit him dead-on in the heart and face proved once and for all that I'm ready to take the fight from the wild and wooly woods of Texas to Iraq. I only have one message to tell Iraqi Insurgents: if you think you've seen shock and awe, you ain't seen nothing yet."
Army General John Abizaid is excited about the newest addition to his military.
"It certainly comes as a relief to our beleaguered army. I mean we've been having to take on recruits with drug and criminal backgrounds of late. Anything will help," Abizaid confessed. "And in many ways, Cheney is the perfect soldier: cold-blooded, devoid of emotion, heartless. I think he'll really be a killing machine. I mean, we have wanted him since Vietnam, but I respect his decision to wait."
Certainly, the unexpected decision will leave the White House in turmoil. Experts have speculated wildly about who will replace Cheney, widely regarded as the most powerful vice-president in history. And no one is taking the news harder than President George W. Bush.
"I'm a little beside myself," a solemn Bush stated. "What will I do? Who will tell me what to think? This is the worst I've felt since they cancelled Alf. I tell you what, I loved that show...he was such an adorable Melmac-ian. Heh Heh Heh Heh."
Though Bush claimed that he won't be able to get over Cheney's departure anytime soon, he mentioned that he believed it was what was best for the country.
"To be completely frank, none of us have any clue what to do in Iraq. Sending Dick over there seems like the most sensible move," Bush said.
"After all, since most of our politicians don't have any children in the military it seemed like a good way to show the American people that we care about our troops. You better believe that if we sent our troops to Iraq without a clear-cut plan to win the peace, then we're also willing to die for it ourselves."
While the jury is still out on how much success Cheney will have in Iraq, the level of fear on the Baghdad streets runs high.
"Have you looked into that man's eyes?" trembling insurgent, Mahmoud Zabar said. "He is a cold-blooded killer. I have never seen anything like it. Sure, we've had a great deal of success against the Americans over the past two years, but that was B.C., before Cheney. We will seriously need to re-think our strategy. He has the shooting ability of a young Lee Harvey Oswald. And I hear that he has magical bullets that can cause heart attacks in his targets. This is a very disturbing development!"