The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Better Late Than Never

For anyone who wonders what my life has been up to since I quit my full-time journalism job to enter the freelance world and finish my novel, this cartoon aptly sums up my life over the past few weeks: trying to turn my novel from something a bit too-artsy for it's own good and slightly heavy-handed into something clear, concise and most of all very entertaining.

I've been working on this novel on and off for the last four years, often doing re-writes for up to a year and then not touching it for six or so months, followed up by another six months of revision. In many ways, if I wasn't so damned delusional about my own abilities I prolly never would've even finished the book. The sad truth is that after each draft I finish I become convinced that I've written a masterpiece worthy of Moby Dick, only to look back on it a couple months later and want to bash my head against a red brick wall for being so egotistical.

As I've gotten older and hopefully learned a few things about writing, I've realized that I am not a good judge of my own work. As for this latest draft that I've been working on, I'm 18 pages in and I think it's the best stuff I've ever written. But for all I know, it could be worse than Chuck Palahniuk. And in my opinion, Palahniuk fucking sucks. He writes like an a horny 16-year old speed addict whose girlfriend just bought him his first journal.

So if anyone out there is thinking about writing a novel, my best advice would be: get ready to burn the next four years of your life trying to figure out exactly how to "show" and not "tell." (which is much harder than it sounds). And be delusional. You'll actually go through with something if you think what you're doing is excellent. Listen to criticism but don't necessarily accept it. Of course, I wouldn't necessarily listen to me either. I haven't exactly gotten the novel published yet.

But enough about me: let's talk about you. Yes, you, dear reader. It's Saturday afternoon and in about eight or nine hours you'll probably be drunk on a bar stool trying to tell the girl next to you that she looks exactly like Wynona Ryder in "Heathers."(because that's clearly what all of us do at bars). That or you'll be trying to figure out whether or not the dude sitting next to you is completely just feeding you lines (the answer is likely yes).

And so that my readers can sound literate at seedy bars nationwide, here is a useless sampling of this week's news, guaranteed to make anyone stand up at attention and think "wow, this person obviously can retain tons of useless information. I would like to sleep with him/her." It's that easy folks.

According to the Economist, America's appetite for tabloid celebrity news might be reaching it's apex and a bursting of the celebrity magazine bubble might be soon on its way. Upon hearing of this inaccurate report, dozens of girls aged 18-34 sitting poolside at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel got up and marched in protest. They claimed that their protest was a way of showing their support for the tabloids allegedly in distress. Then after about ten minutes the angry mob of vengeful rioters got bored, put on their pairs of aviators, sat back down by the pool and smoked a cigarette.

This article from Reuters reports on the surprising success of the book "Marley and Me," which is on a pace to sell almost a million copies. However, critics say these sales are inflated as tens of thousands of stoners nationwide accidentally purchased copies of the book thinking it was about Bob Marley and not some stupid labrador retriever. Not like I made that mistake or anything, it's just that that's what I've heard...Yes, that's just what I've heard.

This Onion article says it all, "Girlfriend Dumped After Valentine's Candy-Related Weight Gain." Read it. Hillarious.

Damon Wayans who hasn't been funny in at least 10 years is now trying to start a fashion line called "Nigga." Understandably, he has been entrenched in a legal battle over the controversial phrase. All I can say is good luck with that Damon,you should know that it's tough to make a go of it in the world of fashion. One time, in College I tried to start a fashion line called "Kikey McKike Kike." Sadly, I only had one purchase. From these men. (click here). I guess people have no sense of irony.

According to this website, Arrested Development is getting picked up for 12 episodes by Showtime. The only joke I have to make is the fact that this show somehow isn't the most popular program on television. Honestly, if you haven't seen it, you need to. In my opinion, it's the best live action comedy show ever. I know you might say that Seinfeld was better, but Seinfeld didn't get good until Season 2 or even Season 3. Arrested Development was the best show on the air from its pilot episode on.

According to this report, James Frey got dropped by his publisher. I hope that stupid tattoo of his gets him through these tough times. If you didn't know he has a tattoo on his arm with the letters FTBSITTTD standing for "Fuck the Bullshit, It's Time to Throw Down." Of course, the only throwing down Frey is going to do from now on is in a fight to be the first one in line at the unemployment office.

In Los Angeles' magazine's Hollywood Nightlife issue Jeremy Piven actually is quoted saying "If I have a rapper like Common rolling hard with me at a club and I hand him a mic and he hits five songs in a row and the crowd goes crazy, I dont feel guilty about drinking on the house."
I'm not surprised about Piven saying something so fucking stupid, I'm sure Turtle taught him the ins-and-outs of wannabe whiteboy hip hop slang. But Common?? Common? Why in God's name are you "rolling hard"with Jeremy Piven at the club? Shouldn't that be L'il Jeezy's job or some other similarly piss-poor rapper. Someone may need to give Mr. Lonnie Lynn an intevention and fast.

James Bond fans all across the world are threatening to boycott the next Bond film due to the unorthodox choice of Daniel Craig to play the suave secret agent. It's nice to know with Iraq slipping further and further into chaos, a substantial portion of the Republican party having close links to corrupt lobbyist Jack Abramoff and the vice president playing "Duck Hunt," with rich texas attorneys, people are again focusing attention on what's important: a series of spy movies that haven't been good for the last 40 years. My Country tis of thee.

Kevin Federline says "he's ready for the backlash" that will inevitably occur when he releases his rap album this Spring. Personally, I think he's misguided. How can there be a backlash with lyrics like "Kitty … little bitta titty …Wanna know where I go when I’m in your city …Girl, don’t you work …The cat is coming straight outta the know …Ready, gonna rock them shows on the …Bring that Brazil booty on the floor. Up, down, all around, work that Gonna … the soundGonna see where I’m going, ohPo, Po, Po, Po, PopoZao, PopoZaoPo, Po, Po, Po, PopoZao, PopoZaoPo, Po, Po, Po, PopoZao, PopoZao."

I'm pretty sure that this will replace Nas' phrase "sleep is the cousin of death," as the most quoted line from a rap debut in history. Backlash? I think not.

Michael Jackson has announced that his tribute song, "I Have This Dream," for Hurricane Katrina relief is ready and is on the verge of being released. It will feature Snoop Dogg, R. Kelly, Ciara, Keyisha Cole, James Ingram, Jackson's brother Jermaine, Shanice, the Rev. Shirley Caesar and the O'Jays. Because that's exactly what the impoverished people of New Orleans want to hear, Michael Jackson and R. Kelly singing about their "dreams."


At 2:26 AM, Anonymous matt a said...

looks like I've got a fun four years ahead of me. I go back and fourth between loving things that I write, then think they suck total ass, Mariah Carey style sucking. I think the hardest part is deciding what to omit, and a few parts I've gone back and fourth on, deciding whether or not people will "get it" or whether I should dumb-down passages.. a fun four indeed.. I can hear the chants already- four more years! four more years!

At 4:01 PM, Anonymous Diamond Dave said...

I personally would buy just about anything under the label Kikey McKike Kike. BTW, I really want to read that Onion article about girls getting fat from valentines day candy but the link didn't work.

At 4:09 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

I'm glad to know that Kikey McKike's failure was merely a resutl of poor promotional schemes rather than a flawed idea...check the onion link it should work now for dumbing down, I think that is always a bad idea. Think of JD Salinger that guy was incredibly deep, yet very very subtle. I think subtlety is the key and you can be as direct as you want. This of course is not the approach i take with my blogging

At 6:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I find it interesting that james frey has a tattoo that reads FTBSITTTD.
I just recently got a tato that reads FJFHBBDBTSBS.
It stands for "Fuck James Frey he best bow down because that's some bullshit."
(I know it's extreme, but I felt extremely "duped" by the fact that JF was not honest about his so-called "memior." So take that, JF.)

At 7:08 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

An intriguing tatoo if there ever was...he will be hurt but he will use it to fuel his writing..that is the mark of a true pro


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