The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Archeologist Discovers Last Low Maintenance Girl Raised in West Side Los Angeles


In a shocking discovery, an archeologist has discovered what is believed to be the last low-maintenance girl raised on the west side of Los Angeles. The archeologist who discovered the girl, Murray Lancaster, says that the discovery was as much a result of luck as anything else.

"I was searching for dinosaur fossils underneath the Apple Pan and I had to use the restroom. Well, the men's room was locked and I decided to use the women's room and that's where I made this momentous find," Lancaster said.

It was in the women's rest room where Melissa Schwartz, an Angeleno raised in the plush Westside enclave of Brentwood had been trapped for years.

"She'd been in there for a quite awhile," Lancaster said. "I'm not sure how she was able to survive. Perhaps the biggest problem was that she got trapped in the women's room and since the Apple Pan serves mostly hamburgers and french fries, no women would dare step into the place because the food is much too fattening for them. I mean the restaurant doesn't even serve salads. It could've been years before she was discovered."

Previously, scientists had been skeptical that the low-maintenance westside-raised woman had ever even roamed the region in the first place. Believers pointing to an intricate series of graffiti scrawls found underneath Fred Segal that dated back to the year 1923. However, naysayers responded bluntly with the damning logic: we'll believe it when we see it.

As can be expected, scientists and reporters have been eager to speak with the girl. Many of them believe that this is the biggest local archeological find since a caveman was discovered in Encino in the early 90s.

But the inquiry hasn't been restricted to scientists and news outlets. Various corporations have been trying to sign up Schwartz for various endorsement deals, in light of her newfound celebrity.

"I don't understand why everyone's making such a big deal about all this," Schwartz said. "All these high end purse companies have been coming up to me and asking me to wear their handbags. I mean, I already have two or three handbags. How many can one woman honestly use? I asked them to donate them to charity. It's just superfluous. And while you're at it, will someone please tell Jimmy Choo to stop sending me free pairs of shoes. I have a few pairs of sneakers and quite frankly they're infinitely more comfortable."

Understandably, Schwartz has alos been besieged by male suitors anxious to snare the only low-maintenance girl in the region.

"What is the deal with all these sleazy older men, trying to woo me with cheesy overpriced gifts and floral bouquets. I don't care where they want to take me to dinner. Why on earth would I care if we went to Koi?" Schwartz said. "The food isn't even that good anyway, and it's such a scene. Give me an In-N-Out burger, a few bong rips and a rental movie and I'm a happy woman. I don't need a guy to buy me expensive things, just someone reasonably attractive who cares about me."

Consequently, Schwartz has left many male suitors heartbroken in her wake.

"I don't understand, " Fareed Mosal, a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon said. "I picked her up in my red Porsche and took her to Kitana on Sunset Boulevard. The bill for dinner was $700. $700!! And she didn't even want to put out. Do you know how many hookers I can buy with that money?? This is ridiculous."

Lancaster expects that it will take Schwartz some time to get fully acclimated with this foreign culture.

"We're definitely going to be keeping a close eye on her. After all, we need to preserve her as a historical relic. We don't expect to find any more of these types of women, not here," Lancaster said. "But I wouldn't worry too much about her. Just give her a little bit of time to get used to it. I'm sure in no time she'll be shopping at Barney's, wearing furry boots in the summertime, donning dark aviator glasses and carrying a diamond-studded Sidekick. She'll be perfectly normal in no time."

6 Comments:

At 7:44 PM, Blogger Nate said...

Apple Pan??? Bong Rips??? A Low Maintenance Girlfriend??? Dude, I can't read about those things while I am at work. Now I am going to be daydreaming about going to Apple Pan high as fuck with my low maintenance girlfriend, excited to scarf down a Hickory Burger, Fries, Sweet Pickles, Cream Soda and Pecan Ala Mode (all while carrying on a conversation with Gordon of course). Fuck, this sounds like my life in 2004. I used to have the most low maintenance girl you could find (north of sunset). She was always down for a burger and a blockbuster flick. So it's not totally impossible to find. By the way, I'm laughing my ass off about the Fareed Mosal name. Getting creative with the rich Middle Eastern naming are we? You're a talented soul Weiss. Very talented...

 
At 7:49 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

I pick the midle eastern names from our yearbook...where else...it's like a phone book of tehran (not that there's anything wrong with that)

 
At 10:30 PM, Anonymous A Voice From Behind the Orange Curtain said...

It seems like "low maintenance" is a sort of relative term. Where I come from the collector's edition "high maintenance" girlfriend comes (in the original beach girl packaging) with artificially lightened hair, a boob job one size too big, jeans with an exposed thong and a pair of platform flip flops to go with that hot hot hot designer bikini top. And she is waay into burgers and fries -- as an aesthetic at least. Haven't these LA girls heard of BULIMIA? Anorexia is like, so '96.

 
At 11:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's hard to find a good woman. It's even harder to find a good woman in los angeles. You can find low maintenance chicks but they are usually not that hot. Unfortunately the better looking babes are bigger bitches because they can be. That's the way women are.

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger Nate said...

Jeff, why do I have this funny feeling that Mr. Anonymous is Mikey...hmmmmm

 
At 4:28 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Funny...that's exactly what I was thinking

 

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