The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

When There's a Dead Fish in a Barrel, You Shoot It

Sometimes in life it’s impossible not to pick the low-hanging fruit. Sure others might critique you for picking overly ripe targets, but as far as I’m concerned every now and then a good cheap joke is eminently necessary. And when I think “good cheap joke” only one name comes to mind: Michael Jackson (though Todd Bridges or Vanilla Ice were both good guesses).

Many of you might’ve been wondering what happened to the disgraced pop star after he seemingly beat the odds (now’s the time to insert a “beating” pun) and was acquitted of molesting a child. Contrary to popular belief, he’s not in fact hanging out with the former host of KCRW’s “Morning Becomes Eclectic,” but rather he’s sunning himself (if it’s indeed physically possible for him) in the Middle Eastern playground of Bahrain, a nation best known for being the place where drunken Saudi’s vacation and harass all the local women (after all, who doesn’t love a good Saudi?).

Recent reports emanating from the Island nation have generally circulated around Jackson’s various public appearances and stunted recording efforts. In the past few months, Jackson has shopped for pricy Bahraini real estate, hit up some shopping malls (presumably to mack some fly honey’s and chill by the air conditioning vents smoking cigs) and finalizing his Hurricane Katrina relief song, which will be released on Bahraini label 2 Seas Records. The song’s title: “I have this dream.” Apparently, R. Kelly is also rumored to guest on the track, which is a joke too easy for even me to make, but somehow it’s actually true. If this song doesn’t involve anything to do with that dynamic duo’s dreams of making love to underage children than I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. And if it doesn’t have any pedophiliac content on it, I’ll still be a monkey’s uncle, damnit.

But amazingly the latest Jackson news takes the proverbial cake (of course, this cake would involve a naked little boy jumping out of it, but hey, that’s splitting hairs…see I told you these jokes were too easy). It seems that the now-indigent Jackson has been forced to apply for a job. Now don’t get worried, he hasn’t gotten all crazy normal and decided to be an accountant or a lawyer or Goofy at Disneyland (though I’m sure this was considered). Instead, he’s currently negotiating a position to become a consultant with a Bahrain-based company that plans to set up theme parks and music academies in the Middle East.

The company, AAJ Holdings Ltd., owned by Bahraini businessman Ahmed Abu Bakr Janahi, said it wanted to hire the 47-year-old Jackson to give advice on setting up entertainment businesses.

Here’s some advice for you, Ahmed Abu Bakr Janahi: don’t hire Michael Jackson to work for you. You might as well throw your money off the edge of a cliff while screaming “whee!!” That might at least give you a bit of enjoyment. That or spending your money on liquor, drugs and women. Or even a little bit of column A and little bit of Column B. But don’t hire the artist formerly known as Wacko Jacko to help you out with your corporate holdings.

Luckily though, I have an extensive wiretapping network currently installed throughout the Middle East (what, you thought Dubya was the only one?) and I’ve obtained exclusive transcripts of the job interview that shook the world. Read on….

Ahmed Abu Bakr Janahi (speaking with a gruff Middle Eastern accent…emphasis on the gruffness): “Hahlo, my good friend, I so glad that you come for job interview with me.”

M.J. (in full falsetto): “Thank you, my dear Ahmed. I thought you’ve never ask.”

AABJ: “Now, Michael Jackson. Tell me what you know about entertainment business.”

M.J.: “I know that if you give a 10-year old some Jesus juice and some pornography than he’ll be entertained and then you’ll be in business.”

AABJ: “Heh. Heh. Mike Jackson make a funny. I respect your sense of humor.”

M.J. (awkwardly): Humor…heh…heh…sure…right. Well, Ahmed. I know how to entertain people. I have my entire life. We’ll build you a huge zoo with lots of cotton candy and lion’s and tigers and monkey’s. It will be the most glorious place in the entire land.”

AABJ: “Yes, yes. That sounds marvelous. A zoo. Whoever could’ve thought of something so brilliant? How come you did not go into business sooner, Michael Jackson?

MJ: “Personal issues.”

AABJ: “Now tell me why else you need this job? [ed. Note: the POW transcription mirrors AABJ’s improper grammar. He is not the most eloquent English speaker on the planet. However, he can do the robot.]

MJ: “I really really need the money.”

AABJ: How badly?

[muffled noises. The tape goes blank]

I’m not sure what happened, my Bahraini operative isn’t returning my phone calls and I think he might be dead. These of course, are perils of international wiretapping. However, I believe that the world now has at least a sense of the tense negotiations that took place recently in the Middle East. Don’t laugh, my friends. The Middle East is a dysfunctional place, wrought with violence, tradition and mystery. Perhaps, Michael Jackson is the only one who can save the region from complete moral and philosophical decay. He may be the only hope we’ve got. God save the King…of pop.


At 8:28 PM, Anonymous Nate said...

Damn those Saudis. If they are harrassing women like that, just imagine what the Saudi's would be like if they actually let their women wear clothing that revealed a little skin.

At 11:14 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

I imagine a plotline very similar to the film Porky's.

At 1:45 PM, Anonymous Nate said...

MJ's facial hair makes him look so like an old lady who badly need electrolisis


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