The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Soul of Mark Twain Hopes For a Hotter Self in Next Reincarnation


“I mean, sure it can be depressing at times,” the ghost of Mark Twain revealed to the Passion of the Weiss, when considering the last physical incarnation his soul has taken since it first left the earth in 1910.

“Why can’t I be placed into the body of a hot 19-year old girl? Why is it that God always wants to put me into the body of a decrepit white-haired old man. No one likes old people. Everyone likes 19-year old girls. Well, except for Ryan Seacrest,” Twain’s soul said.

Of course, Twain the immortal author of such classics as Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer has had a lot of time on his hands, since the passing of Patrick Cranshaw, this weekend, the venerable character actor best known for his role of Blue in the film “Old School.” However, a little known fact that went unreported by the “mainstream” media was that Cranshaw was the reincarnation of Twain, a fact evidenced by their identical physical appearance.

“It was certainly hard to go from being the most famous writer in the world to being a guy who was only remembered by drunken frat boys who would go up to me four times a day and scream ‘you’re my boy, blue.’ Then they’d laugh uncontrollably as though I’d never heard that one before,” Twain’s soul said.

Twain also went on the record to the Passion of Weiss to explain why he decided that he wanted to focus on acting in this most recent reincarnation.

“I felt that I’d said all that I had to say, although I must admit, it’s a lot harder to make it today as an actor than it was to make it as a writer. Apparently, you have to give tons of blowjobs to various Hollywood executives, and I wasn’t exactly up for that sort of thing. No pun intended,” Twain’s soul said. “Think about it, would you go from being one of the leading abolitionist novelists read by every child in America, to sucking off some closeted vice president of production in his Jaguar, in the parking lot of a studio in Culver City? It just wasn’t for me.”

Twain’s soul blamed this failure to prostitute himself as the primary reason why his Cranshaw-self never progressed beyond niche character roles. He also repeatedly indicated that he will be pressing God quite hard to become a “nubile young lass” in his next reincarnation.

“I feel as though I didn’t conquer the world of acting in the same way that I conquered the world of writing, and in my next lifetime I still have the burning desire to do so” Twain’s soul said. “I think that if God can put me in the body of a super-hot chick then I can definitely make in Hollywood this time. I like that Angelina Jolie girl, maybe I’ll ask to look something like that. After all, it’s Hollywood, who needs talent when you can be really really ridiculously good-looking?”

Nonetheless, fans of Twain/Cranshaw are heartbroken at the news of his passing and many wished him the best.

“I know that Blue’s up in heaven smiling down on us, holding a 40 and telling us that shit’s all good,” Chazz Lucas, a senior at USC and a member of the Gamma Alpha Epsilon Fraternity said. “It’s like I saw Old School 42 times and Blue’s performance got better each time. He was a legend. And I tried to read Tom Sawyer once in the 7th grade, but that shit was boring. You’re my boy, blue!”

Donations can be made to the Mark Twain’s Soul Memorial Fund at the Forrest Hills Cemetery. Sources close to God expect for the next incarnation of Twain to be announced within the next two weeks. They would not indicate whether or not Twain’s latest request to be super-fine would be honored.

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