The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Monday, January 23, 2006

One Week Later, Ethiopian Village Continues to Be Devastated Over Gown Gaffe

One week after the fashion mix-up heard around the world, Ethiopian villagers from the tiny town of Adado continue to report that they still are distressed over Chanel’s gross negligence in lending Reese Witherspoon a dress that had formerly been worn by Kirsten Dunst.

“I’ve been over it so many times in my head and yet I can’t make sense of the whole thing,” 12-year old Ademu Yesfanyu said. “We have no television sets in my village so I only found out about this disaster a few days ago, yet I haven’t slept since I heard the news. How could Chanel have been so negligent?”

Indeed all of the inhabitants of the perennially impoverished Ethiopian nation have been severely devastated over Chanel’s snafu. Though the famed fashion house denied having knowledge of such a mix-up, the gown that Witherspoon wore to this year’s Golden Globes Awards had been worn by Dunst to the same awards program in 2003.

Sadly, Witherspoon believed the gown -- in a champagne color with metallic trim on the bust -- was vintage, her publicist, Nanci Ryder, was reported as telling the New York Post in Wednesday's editions.

But as the inconsolable villagers of Adado can tell you, no amount of apology and contrition can make up for Witherspoon’s embarrassment.

“Reese Witherspoon is the preeminent movie star of our time,” Desta Amhara, a 72-year old Adado villager said. “Have the people from Chanel not seen Witherspoon’s powerful work in movies such as “Sweet Home Alabama” and “Legally Blonde?” Just last year, most of the people in our village walked hundreds of miles to the capital city of Addis Ababa to watch the marathon of Legally Blonde 1 and 2 that ran non-stop for a week straight during the week of the Winter rains. In our country, Witherspoon is a God and worthy of extreme veneration. Chanel has not just disgraced the good name of Witherspoon. It has disgraced the mighty village of Adado. It has disgraced the sacred nation of Ethiopia.”

Upon hearing word of the Ethiopian villagers distress, Chanel representatives issued yet another public apology.

“It was never our intention to disgrace anyone,” Pierre Bonsoir, Chanel’s media representative tearfully remarked. “We really did think it was a vintage gown. And for the Ethiopian people to be this upset, we feel even worse. In fact, we’re going to donate 5,000 luxury ballroom gowns to the village for their people to wear. Despite the fact that 81 percent of Ethiopians live below $2 a day, they need glamour too.”

But some of the villagers of Adado continue to feel otherwise.

“We don’t need gowns. What am I going to do with a gown?” 37-year old subsistence farmer Abebe Adan said. “Is Chanel going to pay me for the week of crops that I have been unable to cultivate? I haven’t been able to do a damn thing since I heard the news. I completely understand why my brothers and sisters in America have been so outraged over this issue. I’m so happy that the international news outlets have jumped on this story. It is not just a matter for the Americans. It is a matter for the entire globe. I hope the UN takes action against these rogue clothiers.”

Witherspoon’s publicists agreed that this dress mix-up may indeed be a matter for the United Nations.

“Reese has been handling this matter with the utmost dignity, however, she is clearly emotionally ruined,” Josephine Cartwright, Witherspoon’s alternate publicist, angrily declared. “And I believe that Chanel hasn’t shown the proper amount of regret for their egregious actions. As the courageous protests by the Ethiopians have shown, the world is incensed over Chanel’s utter duplicity. Does the United Nations HAVE to get involved? I’m not sure. But should it get involved? Probably. This is an issue that cuts across race, religion and ethnicities. It is an issue for the people of Planet Earth.”

Currently, the United Nations has not yet issued a statement on the issue, although the Security Council is rumored to be on the verge of commencing deliberations over what action to take. In the meantime, the villagers of Adado have issued a statement declaring that they will give the 5,000 Chanel dresses to Witherspoon, in the hopes that she will be able to re-sell them.

“We felt that we needed to do something,” Meles Tesfai, the town’s leader said. “Hopefully, the dresses will be able to provide Witherspoon enough income to ameliorate her sorrows. Though

Witherspoon’s estimated salary of $25 million a year is nearly 10 times as much as our villagers make combined each year, we all have agreed that a gesture of solidarity is in order. If Chanel will not appease the great Witherspoon, then we will just have to take action into our own hands.”


At 10:58 AM, Blogger Andrew said...

Maybe Witherspoon doesn't have to travel all the way to Africa to donate her time and money. She can limo over to downtown LA and visit our local homeless men and women who sleep in boxes and eat out of trash cans while "starter" homes in Reseda and Van Nuys sell for over half a million dollars.

At 1:14 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

But would Diane Sawyer but her on a broadcast special similar to the one that not-so-subtly promoted Mr and Mrs Smith a la Brad Pitt's special... that remains to be seen? I'm guessing no..


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