The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Friday, January 20, 2006

The Missing Links

It's Friday, bringing with it the postive nostalgia of being 7-years old and not being able to wait to get out of school to watch "Full House" and "Family Matters" on ABC's T.G.I.F. program. Now 17 years later, I can't wait to get out of work to go home and watch "Dancing With the Stars." Oh don't laugh my friends, you know you love it. Who can resist the smooth charms of Drew Lachey, the slick tanned shininess of George Hamilton, the gams of Tia Carrere? (I've wanted to write the words gams in something since the 3rd's very cathartic...try saying it out loud...gams...gams...I'll stop, though I'm not quite sure what it means).

But before I go ameliorate my sorrows with a heaping helping of celebrity dance-offs, I now bring to you the Friday tradition of The Links...where I present the things this week that made me get crunk, jiggy and even a few that made me back that ass up. This week's sponsor of the Links is the 1970's legendary wrestler The Missing Link (pictured above) because what kind of a Passion of the Weiss blog would it be without arcane pop culture references that make people wonder how many drugs I've taken (the obvious answer being: prolly not the right ones).

The Missing Links

According to a Hawaiian cabdriver, the Black Eyed Peas' Fergie isn't the only celebrity fan of public urination, because now Paris Hilton has also been accused of losing control of all of her bodily functions in the backseat of a taxi (at Occidental, we called this pulling an Anastasia...ask me that story some other time). The sad thing is the only reason why she's upset is because she wasn't the first one to start the trend. Luckily, for her she will always have started the trend of celebrities being celebrities for no apparent reason. Congrats, you swine! And if, as I earlier claimed that since peeing in your pants is cool, you can consider Fergie, Miles Davis. Since you're the last to jump on the bandwagon of peeing in your pants, then I consider you Paris Hilton to be the Killers.
Also in the world o' Hilton, check out this deposition where her english speaking ability reminds me eerily of Ralph Wiggum.

First wench Laura Bush has attacked Hillary Clinton's claim that the Bush White House is run like a plantation where all dissent is quickly stifled. "Silly, Hillary Clinton," Bush said. "It's not like a plantation, it's more like a Soviet gulag, where all dissenters are bound, gagged and shipped off to Siberia for torture."

Website, runs a Q&A with golddigger/rapper/Rhodes Scholar Kevin Federline.
The last question of the interview asks, if you weren't here right now, where you be? Federline responded: "On Mars." This is actually incorrect. What it shoud've read is: sucking dick for coke on the Streets of Fresno. regrets this typographical error.

UPN is currently debating whether or not to greenlight a reality show about the post-N' Sync lives of Lance Bass and Joey Fatone. Luckily for UPN, I can summarize their lives quite succintly and thus there's no need to broadcast this program: Lance Bass fucks men. A lot. (can't prove this one but seriously, c'mon, look at the guy). And Joey Fatone eats. A lot. The end.

50 Cent is getting sued by former 2Live Crew frontman, Luther Campbell for copyright infringement for allegedly stealing the chorus of "In Da Club." This proves my theory that 50 Cent is in fact, slightly mentally retarded and therefore incapable of thinking up something as original as "We Gonna' party like it's yo' berfday, sip bacardi like it's yo' berfday/but you know that we don't give a fuck it's not yo' birthday." But to be fair to Fitty, not even Shakespeare could've thought of a couplet so brilliant.

ABC takes my advance, cancels "Emily's Reasons Why Not" after one episode. They blamed their decision on a mysterious illness that no one at the network had ever heard of before. The doctors said it was baffling new virus known only by as integrity. Luckily, they found a cure within hours and the masses were safe to watch celebrities dance. Thank fucking god.

This study finds that couples that have a television in the bedroom have half as much sex as those that don't. Millions of men everywhere rejoice that now they don't have to blame their lack of sex on sexual incompetence. It's the tv's fault. Yes, it's all the television's fault. Of course, I'm shocked, I would've thought that nothing would've stirred a couple's passion more than a couple of back-to-back "Frasier" re-runs.

Another study comes out discovering that men enjoy watching people suffering whom they consider "bad." And to think, all those millions of dollars they inevitably spent on that survey, when they could've just pointed to this blog as clear-cut evidence.

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin says that Katrina hit his city because of God's wrath. In other news, he also announced that him and Pat Robertson are taking a holiday vacation together and have become new b.f.f.'s. UPN immediately tries to sign them up for a reality show called "Ebony and Ivory."

Irish scientists have discovered the nation's most fertile male, a man named Niall of the Nine Hostages, who was a 5th-century warlord and head of the most powerful dynasty in ancient Ireland. Apparently, 3 million men are among his off-spring. Oh, you wacky Catholics, who are you guys going to knock up next?

Ricky Martin doesn't understand why people are questioning his legitimacy to do charity work after an interview with Blender Magazine in which he says "I love giving the 'golden shower.' I've done it before in the shower. It's like, so sexy, you know, the temperature of your body and the shower water is very different." Ricky went on to say, "I'm open to everything. There are moments for soft, gentle sex. And there are moments for a good spank in the butt."
Martin also said that he doesn't understand why bears hibernate in the winter, why mosquitoes are attracted to the light and why water is wet. No, actually he understood the last part...quite well. I take that back.

Eminem re-marries Kim. No one fucking cares.

According to the British paper, The Daily Mirror, Sean Lennon is dating Lindsay Lohan. He said that he was doing it to continue his father's legacy of dating completely untalented and unintelligent women. The ghost of John Lennon is said to be very proud.


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