I'm a Good Person, I Drive a Prius
The other day I was driving a conservative 80 miles an hour when I decided that my lane was moving much too slowly for my tastes. Understandably, I veered into the adjacent lane where I subsequently cut off the driver of a maroon Nissan Sentra. But instead of him peacefully allowing entry into my preferred thoroughfare, the driver of the Sentra had the audacity to honk at me and give me the finger. I couldn’t believe his nerve and all I could do was stare at him with complete befuddlement. How did he think he had the right to do such a crazy thing? Didn’t he know who I was and what I was driving? I’m a good person damnit! I drive a Prius!
Ever since I got my Prius, people tell me all the time how fabulous it is and how special I am for what I’m doing. I’ll be honest, it was agonizing to have to wait for my car for a full three months and then to have to pay above the sticker price for a car only marginally attractive at best, but boy it’s worth it. Goddamnit, I’m doing my part to save the world! Are you?
I’m quite certain that if everyone on earth drove a Prius, all the ails of humanity would soon be cured. People would become smarter. The Red Sea would soon part. Jesus would return to earth and form a new kingdom of heaven and you know who would be one of the leaders of this new world order: Me. Why? Because I drive a Prius, fuck yeah!
If you don’t want to drive a Prius you’re obviously too stupid to live. Perhaps you went to some school for dumb people like UC-Santa Barbara. That would make sense. After all, I went to Stanford and I’m clearly smarter than you are. I listen to my iPod and play my Death Cab for Cutie albums and just rock the fuck out, all while in my Prius. Every now and then I park in a handicapped spot too. Sometimes, a meter maid will come, but she’ll never ticket me. In fact, she’ll usually wait for me to come back to my car so that she can give me a high five and tell me how awesome I am. Occasionally, she’ll offer me oral sex, because she wants to know what it’s like to perform oral sex on someone who drives a Prius (I’ll give you a hint, it’s fucking amazing).
That’s why it was so strange the other day when that evil driver in the Sentra flipped me off. Most of time when I cut off other drivers, they laugh and flash me the thumbs-up. Clearly, they understand that I’m a perfect human being and that I make the world a better place. One time, I even ran over an 8-year old girl while driving 65 miles per hour in a residential neighborhood. But instead of crying and yelling at me and threatening to kill me, the girl’s mother just gave off a hearty laugh and told me to go on my merry way (she also offered me oral sex, but I declined telling her I didn’t feel right considering that I had just nearly killed her daughter, ultimately she agreed).
Yet the more I contemplate the Sentra driver’s actions, the less sense everything makes. I mean, if the driver of the Sentra had been piloting a SUV, I might’ve understood. After all, anyone who drives a SUV is clearly a terrible human being. In fact, one of the darkest secrets of my past is that I once drove a SUV for about four months. Luckily, the moment I got my Prius, an all-consuming wave of peace and serenity swept over me. I understood what it was like to see God (he’s a short Asian man with Buddha-like Zen compassion; he likes to be called Charlie).
Yes, life is perfect. Woman want me, men want to be me and Osama Bin Laden is one step closer to being defeated, thanks to me and my super-sweet Prius. But if you want to know another secret, sometimes I hope that no one else ever gets a Prius and that Ford and General Motors never ever get their heads out of their asses and start making hybrid cars. After all, then I wouldn’t be as special and everyone would be just like me. But hopefully that day will never come and then I’ll always get to be the most amazing person in the entire word. Oh, thank you Toyota and your incredibly efficient lean manufacturing ability. Thank you Charlie for making a world so perfect that a Prius could be a part of it. And fuck you Nissan Sentra driver for not recognizing that I’m a good person because I drive a Prius. It is you who will forever burn in Hell, while I sip Tom Collins and recline on a hammock in heaven, reading a copy of esoteric philosophy while being hit-on by beautiful women. Dear Mr. Nissan Sentra owner, the joke is truly on you.
One Proud Prius Owner (and one very good person)
[Editors note: While it cannot be proven whether or not Prius owners are indeed better or worse people, it has been scientifically proven that if you drive a Hummer you are in fact an asshole and in all probability, you have a penis the size of a chapstick]